The only fight I ever lost

We just returned from yet another family trip. The destination: ideal. The children: not. Unless you consider diarrhea, sleepless nights and getting puked on in the car idyllic. I will do the full write-up next week…should I ever recover. :-)

This morning at Mile High Mamas is all about confessionals. Namely: what kind of kid were you? I was one who drove kids to therapy. The kind who convinced her friends that flushing the toilet actually purified the water, making it safe to drink.

Yeah, that kid.

So, come on over and share what kind of kid you were!

=======================

Aimee and Catherine recently wrote great posts about bullying and the subject seems to be everywhere in the media. I am always dismayed whenever I hear about it as my heart goes out to the victims and my wrath to the aggressors.

Until I remember my childhood.

Now, I wouldn’t say I was a full-on bully but I was most certainly bossy. I have recollections of making my friends spend hours on my trampoline, drilling them until they performed their acrobatics to perfection.

It is a good thing I did not know the trampoline would someday become an Olympic sport. Otherwise, I would still have them in training.

Despite my despotic tendencies, I still remain close to my tight-knit group of neighborhood friends. But there was one little girl – Jennifer Degenstein – who lived behind my house that I have never forgotten. I had no reason not to like her. She was sweet, cute and shy. But I decided early on that she would have no part in our posse and would tease her to no end about her last name. Never mind that mine was Borowski, which instilled dread in the heart of every new teacher reading the class roll.

Evidently, I was rude but not rational.

On another occasion, I remember the war my friends and I waged against the girls in our neighboring hood (not to be confused with neighborhood because that is just not as cool). It was the very vilest of debates: who had the best kindergarten class. We were in the morning class. They were afternoon folk.

Back and forth, the barbs flew. “Oh yeah, well we have Phillip Cutler in our class and he’s cute.” “Well, the afternoon snacks are stale and yucky from sitting out all day.”

Yep, it got nasty.

We were on equal ground until Rachel – an afternooner – spoke up. And in the days long before VCRs and DVRS, she inflicted the final blow:

“Well, we get to stay home and watch SESAME STREET while you’re stuck at school.”

It was the only battle I ever lost.

Spongebob Square Potts

I had no idea my mention of that one purple dinosaur would cause such an uproar. Don’t get me wrong – I hate Barney.

But I despise Spongebob.

At least Barney has some educational value if you can get past all those those annoying kids who dance around him as if injected with eternal perkiness.

But Spongebob? HE IS A SPONGE UNDER THE SEA. He has a stupid sense of humor and I hate stupid humor. Unless it is my own, of course.

*******************************************************

Jamie and I recently watched the YouTube performance of Paul Potts that was featured on Oprah. If you have never seen it, watch. This may be the one and only time I ever post anything from YouTube again.

His story brings tears to my eyes as this frumpy, awkward, shy man is transformed the moment he opened his mouth into a frumpy, awkward, shy man who could sing.

Brilliantly.

Afterwards, Jamie and I discussed his performance and appearance.

Amber: I mean, Paul Potts. I don’t think there could be a more average, stodgy name out there!

Jamie: Yeah, he’s no Rick Savage.

[Long pause]

Amber: Who is Rick Savage?

Jamie: I don’t know. It just seemed like a cool name to throw out there.

And they think women are confusing.

Sick kid update, broadcast for the world to hear

Thanks for all your well wishes regarding sick Bode! Jamie found the remote last night so the great gods of Nick Jr. have taken over my Barney hellathon. I will take Dora and Diego any day. Plus, I am rapidly becoming bilingual and can call Haddie on all those words she makes up that she professes are Spanish.

Being unshowered and having a disaster-for-a-home have their advantages. My friend Lisa dropped Haddie off from preschool today. She took one look at me, the house and Bode (OK, so that would be three looks) and said she was taking Haddie for the afternoon. It pays to look like a Crazy Canuck Calamity. This, after I ruined her vacation.

And finally, I was on the Your Kids segment for KOA (one of Denver’s top radio stations) this morning. Robbyn Hart, one of Jamie’s favorite morning news anchors, interviewed me for Mile High Mamas yesterday. You know, the Barney hellathon day. If you want to listen to the podfest and hear what I sound like frazzled and furiously rocking Bode with “I love you, you love me” in the background, click here.

Oh, and please excuse my reference to potty training hell.

Evidently, I say hell. A lot.

Calling Out a Mom Blog S.O.S.

Bode is the sickest he has ever been. All he has done for two days is snuggle in my arms, whine and cry.

I haven’t cooked.

I haven’t showered.

I haven’t cleaned.

I haven’t slept.

Not that this is any different from my regular routine.

The only thing he wants to do is watch television. Though draining, I have suffered through it but today was the new low: we lost the remote. And so I have been subjected to the lone video that brings him any solace – Barney.

Yes, my friends. I have been in purple dinosaur, sick baby hell.

Pray for my salvation.

Country Roads to Evergreen Lake

Our normally tight-knit neighborhood has gone into hibernation this winter. In an attempt to rally the troops, I sent an email inviting them to come skating at Evergreen Lake on Saturday. No one could come but I was saddened that half of them did not even bother to respond.

They could have just dropped me a note stating, “I would rather die than be seen skating with you in public.”

That would have been the polite thing to do. :-)

It was their loss. Jamie, the kids and I prefaced our outdoor adventure by having breakfast at Country Road Cafe in Kittredge.

From their nine different kinds of eggs benedicts to the famous smashed mashes, this place was love at first sight. Jamie has never deviated from their gargantuan breakfast burrito, the kids adore the fluffy, stuffed pancakes and this time, I experimented with their egg, tomato and cream cheese sausage wrap with roasted red pepper sauce (excuse me while I wipe the tears of joy from my eyes).

From there, it was onto Evergreen Lake – my favorite place to skate in Colorado. I was thrilled because this would be my 3-year-old daughter’s first time on ice skates. Growing up in Canada, I was introduced to skating shortly after leaving the womb. I was raised gliding along frozen lakes, rivers and even our garden that we turned into a rink. When growing up on tundra, you learn very quickly that pretty much anywhere is skatable and that frozen nose hairs are a fashion statement.

Such was not the case on Saturday with our 58-degree temperatures. I thought the balmy weather would be ideal with two little ones but with sun comes slush. And every few feet, our skates sunk into the ice because of it.

Or it could have been due to the extra 30 pounds I gained over Christmas.

Despite the poor conditions, Hadley was a champ and learned to balance herself very quickly. With my assistance, she tentatively took her first steps and started gliding and weaving as she bossed me around.

Pretty much, it was like any typical day in the Johnson household.

After a while, she needed a break. Jamie and I loaded the kids onto sleds and we flew across the ice as we whipped them around in circles.

Or at least we would have had we not been skating through a Slurpee. For the first time, I caught a glimpse of what those poor sled dogs experience in the Iditarod.

And ascertained that is probably why the driver always shouts out, “Mush.”

How to ruin a friend’s final day of vacation without even being there

Reason #5,305 why you would want to be my friend

My friend Lisa has been in Disneyland with her family for the holidays. She was supposed to arrive home Tuesday night so I called her early the next morning to see if we were going to workout together during our daughters’ dance class.

“Hello?” she croaked.
“You’re not awake, are you? I take it you’re not coming today?”
“We’re still in California. Today is our last day of vacation.”
Ohhhhh no. And I just woke up the whole family, didn’t I?”
“Yep.”

You’re welcome, Lisa.

P.S. Oh, I meant to say why you would not want to be my friend.

Reason #4,620 why you would not want this irrational man as your father

“Hadley, so help me if you break that I am taking money out of your piggy bank to replace it.”

“Jamie, she doesn’t have a piggy bank.”

“Well, I’ll get her one AND THEN I’LL TAKE IT OUT!!!!!”

Reason #245,020 I am THE BEST wife ever

The following is what to say to your husband when he arrives home late after a long day at work and you have eaten all but a small slice of his dinner:

“Welcome home, honey! Remember that story of Jesus and the loaves and the fishes?….”

Marriage’s Great Deceptions

On behalf of Mile High Mamas, welcome back!

After a wonderful, relaxing Christmas “it” occurred on December 26th – the day I confirmed that maybe I am not losing my mind. And for anyone who has ever been there, lost that, you know exactly what I mean.

Case #1:

My favorite cookie sheet has been missing for months. A sturdy, heavy-duty hunk of metal that has been the conduit through which I have brought many calorie-filled wonders into being. And into my being.

I have greatly mourned its loss. My husband Jamie has known about my devastation. I even debated buying a new cookie sheet whilst in the throes of all my holiday baking but held off because I just couldn’t bear the thought of replacing it.

Case #2:

In the past, a favorite practice of mine was dumping a gallon of drinking water on my lap whilst driving. Until Jamie bought me a glorious CamelBak water bottle, which, in my many years of water-bottle dumpage, is the only one that has never leaked.

Our affair was glorious. Each morning as I drove the kids around town, I lovingly sucked my malleable mouthpiece and never once did even a drop of water escape.

Until I lost the straw.

For those unfamiliar with the CamelBak waterbottle, the straw is to the bottle as the husband is to deception.

Confused? Keep reading.

Revelation#1:

Fast forward to December 26th. Our Christmas tree had been dead for weeks and I could not bear to look at it for another moment. Despite the fact that I had a killer sinus infection and a house littered with new toys, THE TREE HAD TO COME DOWN (you know what I mean if you’ve ever had those moments).

After the last light strand was unstrung and the last ornament unceremoniously dumped in a bag with the promise of future organization, Jamie removed the tree. He went to dump the water out of the tree stand when he stopped. And he called out:

“Hey, Amber. Remember that straw you’ve been missing?”
“Yes.”
“It would seem that maybe I might have kind of well, you know possibly used your CamelBak to water the tree and maybe just possibly your straw might have fallen into the tree stand.”

My beloved straw. Drowning in tree sap all these weeks. No wonder there was a death. (Of the tree that is; Jamie’s future is yet to be determined.)

Revelation #2:

Remember the sinus infection? Later that day, I was down in The Dungeon of Despair attempting to locate the lifetime supply of tissue boxes I recently purchased from Costco. I didn’t find the tissues but when I gazed up, up, up to the top of our storage shelves, I caught a glimpse of a glimmering beacon. A beacon that distinctly resembled my beloved hunk of metal.

I joyfully reached up, only to discover displaced pumpkin seeds reposing on my cookie sheet. Or rather, intentionally placed pumpkin seeds BY MY AWARD-WINNING, PUMPKIN-OBSESSED HUSBAND WHO KNOWS I HAVE BEEN PULLING MY HAIR OUT FOR MONTHS ABOUT THIS DISAPPEARANCE.

And yes, there just may have been the first reported case of Abuse By Pumpkin Seeds had he not promptly (and wisely) removed them.

The only good thing that came out of my findings of December 26th is that I assuredly, certifiably am not losing my mind.

P.S. Now, if I could just find Jamie’s lost Christmas present….