Humor | Life Elevated Mom

Phase I: The Mommy Blogger at War

June 28, 2007 by Amber

I am not proud of my behavior, really I’m not. But what do you expect when the person with whom you spend the most amount of time is an irascible 3 year old? Something’s gotta break.

Here’s your CLUE. My little break[down] was–

1) Location: at the endodentist’s

2) Who: with the dental assistant

3) Weapon: a drill

You see, before the masked man made his appearance, the assistant sat me down in the big ugly chair. You you know: the one that dangles you upside down like a Cirque du Soleil trick gone awry.

“I am going to test your tooth to determine its sensitivity.”

I looked at her dubiously and jokingly retorted, “What you’re saying is you’re going to inflict pain upon me.”

She didn’t get it. Or maybe she did and she was just mad I was the first sucker to call her on it.

She didn’t respond and sternly commanded me to “open.” I think she even got some pleasure out of her torture techniques and was snippy to me the rest of the time.

Note to self: do not get on the bad side of the dental assistant. You may live to regret it.

I was in there for a few hours due to nerve problems and the complaints over the location of the tooth (forgive me for also having teeth at the back of my mouth). In my own sick, competitive mind, a part of me was proud my stubborn tooth did not give up without a good fight.

Such complications required an inordinate amount of X-Rays by my friend. Lest you had forgotten, did I mention I HAVE A CANKER RIGHT BELOW THE SITE OF THE ROOT CANAL? This made sticking The X-Ray Thingamajig the Size of Colorado into my mouth just a wee bit painful.

It did not help that my friend would spend about five minutes to line up the stupid machine and equally as long to take the picture. I think she even snagged a drink of water and had the nerve to accuse me of moving by the time she finally wandered back.

A bigger person would have just blown all this off but welp, this is me. And this was The Passive-Aggressive Showdown of my life and I could not back down.

I sensed early on that she was a bit obsessive compulsive over certain things, including the location of my spit catcher bib (the official name, I am sure). If it was not perfectly flat against my chest, she would promptly move it back into place.

My act of rebellion? I shifted it when she wasn’t looking, which drove her nuts. Pretty wild, eh??

Evidently I did not sow my wild oats during my teen-aged years.

In the end, my canal got rooted, she was relegated to sucking my saliva with the spit catcher and I now have a killer toothache and an exacerbated canker.

It is tough to say who won the battle. Certainly, I lost that war.

*****

This weekend is D-Day. You know: De Day all our ~~rigorous training~~ thoughts about rigorous training are put to the test as we attempt to climb the big mountain. Heaven help us. Wait. Not that that I want to return there anytime soon.

Oh, and if you don’t hear from me have a HAPPY CANADA DAY on Sunday! Make sure to smooch a token Canuck for me. Oh wait. Kisses are reserved for the Irish. A simple pat on the butt should do….

Filed Under: Humor

Weekend Warriors

June 24, 2007 by Amber

Only in Colorado:

You can go from water….

To snow….

To the arts in just one weekend!

Welp, maybe Alaska is another place but I think the H2O might be on the chilly side.

‘Twas a busy weekend at play with the clan. On Friday, we hit Bellview Park, a fantastic venue that consisted of Bode’s first ~~face plant~~ stream wading, a petting zoo and a train ride. OK, maybe the train ride didn’t exactly happen. I guess I am not the only thing that cannot endure the heat–the woosy train tracks were “compromised” because of it. Evidently they imported them from Canada.

Saturday, we hit the high country and hiked to St. Mary’s Glacier, a definite must-see if you are ever in Colorado. The kids were fantastic and the views breathtaking. As we trekked along, Haddie sang and Bode happily babbled away in one of those moments where everything just seemed right.

Until Hadley rummaged through the pink dog puke on the side of the trail. Because evidently everyone needs a reality check. Too bad we get those checks all day long, every day.

That night, we hit Lower Downtown “LoDo”, the place where Denver’s hippest and most happening people hang out.

And then there was us.

We went to dinner at a cool Mongolian BBQ restaurant and then hit the streets for La Piazza ‘dell Art in our annual attempt to expose our kids to culture.

I have always wanted to attend this festival to see all the artists transform Larimer Square into a beautiful street museum of colorful chalk images. And I really wanted to see if they could duplicate the artistic rendering I do of hopscotch on our driveway.

They came close.

But didn’t even touch Jamie’s masterpiece he created last summer entitled “Traumatizing the neighborhood, one kid at a time”….

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, outdoors, travel

Father’s Day Finale

June 18, 2007 by Amber

It started out as a regular Sunday. I woke up at the crack of dawn, showered, tended to the kids, made Jamie’s favorite breakfast (gingerbread pancakes with fresh apple marmalade and whipped cream), followed by a backrub.

OK, so the fact that it was Father’s Day probably had something to do with it.

When we finally arrived at church, I noticed on the program that the Primary kids were singing a couple of songs dedicated unto the dads in the congregation. Hadley is in what is called Nursery; kind of the preschool to the Big Primary Kahuna and will move up in January. The problem is all her little buddies are a bit older and have already made the transition.

So, on the program I noted the Primary was singing her favorite song: “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home,” a little ditty she’s been singing since she could barely talk. I hesitated, wondering if my little social butterfly would be ill-at-ease performing a song she’d never practiced in front of huge congregation. So I simply asked if she’d like to sing it with the big Primary kids. The response?

Ohhhhh yeah!

In fact, she could barely sit still leading up to her debut performance. I even tried to do a practice run as a refresher but she got mad, saying she wasn’t going to sing it now. Silly me.

When it came time, she practically skipped to the front of the chapel and plopped herself front and center. And as if expecting all eyes should naturally fall upon her, she prepared herself to perform.

The only problem was that I failed to tell her they were singing two songs, the first of which she did not know.

The music started and for a moment, Hadley faltered. She cautiously looked around as if thinking, “This was NOT in my contract.” But while the other young children either looked bored out of their minds or like a deer in headlights, the Hurricane took a different approach.

“She is…she is…she is….” Jamie laughingly faltered.
“What? What is she doing?”
“She is lip-syncing the words!” he finally spewed out.

Sure enough, my little Hurricane was faking it, evidently so as not to disappoint her publics.

But the best reaction of all was when the second song came on, her song. She immediately perked up, SHOUTED the words, and acted out the actions such as “put my arms around his neck, hug him tight like this.” The kid gave an Oscar-worthy performance.

When it came time to “give him a great, big kiss,” Jamie and I were about ready to pee our pants as she dramatically swept out her arm and blew him a smoocher.

She was so proud of herself and had no idea that she, the youngest kid up there, had left the entire ward in stitches. And had made the biggest, funniest, cutest fool of herself imaginable.

And as for me? I was the proud mama all day. After all, it is sometimes nice to know the apple does not fall far from the tree. 🙂

So let’s spill it: your kid’s best performance story in school, church, etc.

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor, Jamie

How you know you’re ready for summer to be over before it has even started

June 16, 2007 by Amber

You are going to the bathroom on a particularly sweltering day. While seated on your royal throne, the air-conditioning kicks on and you notice there is a vent directly adjacent that blasts the most glorious cold air on your butt.

And you stay in that bathroom, on that toilet, for at least another 15 minutes.

Filed Under: Colorado, Humor

What NOT to teach your 3-year-old daughter

June 14, 2007 by Amber

[Overheard while Jamie corrupted Hadley by watching Chevy Chase’s Vacation on television.]

“Daddy, what are they doing?”

“Looking for a place to dispose of the body, Sweetie.”

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor, Jamie

A Good-bye to a dear, dear friend

June 7, 2007 by Amber

Hurricane Hadley is finished with naps. At least she thinks she is. I, however, have a dissenting opinion.

For three long years of riding the roller-coaster of colic, tantrums and general insubordination, naptime has been my only reprieve. Sometimes I passed out and took a nap, too. Sometimes I blogged. Other times I cooked and cleaned. And not to be forgotten is when I just stared at the wall and blubbered away incomprehensibly. Those were the particularly tough days.

Shortly after her 3rd birthday, Hadley’s internal clock informed her she was done. I admit I did not greet the clock’s assertions with happiness. I resisted and we clashed over and over again. My reasoning is if this is a veritable clock, then why doesn’t it tell her to use the potty? That is what I would say if I was a timepiece.

Of course, my resistance is selfish and maybe I should be the kind of mother who thinks, “Oh goody! Another two hours with my daughter!” But I am not. I am perfectly content with the other 12 hours I have with her.

Rather, I view my resistance as survival. Those two hours were my only opportunity to recharge, rejuvenate and reflect upon what a blessing it is to be at home to watch my children blossom.

My husband and I want to have another baby next year and I am apprehensive about having The Hurricane bounce off the walls all day long during that exhausting and sickly first trimester. Oh yeah, and the third trimester won’t be a walk in the park, either. Because I will need a break when this old whale is blubbered and beached.

I know this is just one of “Life’s Passages” I need to accept. But please tell me you’ve been here, you’ve felt this and know my pain.

And to all those well-intentioned women who have advised me that I can just implement “Quiet Time?”

What in heaven’s name is that? There is a reason she is called The Hurricane….

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

A Mommy Blogger’s Cerebral Edema on the Brain

June 7, 2007 by Amber

Jamie and I are currently training to climb Colorado’s highest mountain, the second highest in the lower 48.

We began a few nights ago, which included this paltry (and frightening) attempt at looking tough as we hauled both kids on a hike. My apologies to Bode for completely cutting him out of the picture; I would hate to diminish his critical role of welp, weighing me down. I just had to include this particular shot because Haddie made me chortle. Loudly.

Why would we want to train for such a thing?

a) We are m@sochists

b) I want to confirm the “Crazy” in “Canuck”

c) We think summiting this will be fun

d) All of the above

e) a and b above

And the answer would be ‘e.’ So why do it if we don’t think it will be fun?

Well, why do we choose to endure nine months of hell and multiple hours of labor? For the views and rewards in the end, of course! Unless, that is, you’re puking your guts out at the summit.

Colorado has 54 mountains over 14,000 feet high. Someone, somewhere decided it would be cool to start a demented little club to challenge folks to climb them. Jamie and I are members of Said Club of Dementia. Because even though I love hiking, I do not love climbing 14ers. My smile at this 14,267-foot summit?

It is fake. We then went on to summit another 14er that same day. There are no photos atop that second mountain for a reason.

We hope the snow will be melted enough to make our latest attempt at the end of June. So why the rigorous training schedule we have implemented?

a) Two words: deathbed repentance.

b) The only exercise Jamie gets these days is yard work.

c) It ticks me off that even though I workout daily, he still blows me away. At least if he is in shape, I will have an excuse for the butt whipping….

d) All of the above

And the answer, of course, would be ‘d’….

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, hiking, Humor Tagged With: 14er, hiking

Detachment Parenting

June 3, 2007 by Amber

Our community had a big ol‘ garage sale on Saturday. Jamie and I stopped at a house a few blocks away and struck up a casual conversation with the home owners. It took only a few seconds for me to realize I was talking to The Urban Legend of our neighborhood. Err…or I guess that would be Suburban Legend.

Rumors have circulated for a few years that this woman sent her child off to college and decided whilst in her 40s to start from scratch and get pregnant…20 years after the first. And she was rewarded with not one but twin girls Hadley’s exact same age.

Well, I was ecstatic to meet The Legend! We immediately hit it off and talked of future playdates. Jamie asked if she was sending them to our local elementary school and she responded affirmatively. I then asked if they were going to preschool.

“Yes, they’re going to ________.”

“Oh great! That is where Hadley is going in the fall!”

“Well, admittedly I am pretty reluctant to send them. I just don’t think I can bear to be without them. You know what I’m talking about?”

I thought of my “How Many Days Until Hadley is in Preschool Countdown Chart.” And my mental spreadsheet detailing what Bode and I will do with six tranquil hours every single week without the Hurricane.

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean.”

Later in the car, I relayed our conversation to Jamie. Dubiously, he looked at me and eloquently assessed the situation:

“Those are not our kind of people, Amber.”

Hear, hear.

🙂

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

When Life Isn’t a Beach

May 21, 2007 by Amber

I do not like sand. Some would even go so far to say I have OCD regarding my aversion to the stuff. I hate it anywhere on my body and most of all, I freak out when it is on my feet for even a moment after I leave the beach.

So one would wonder why I once spent an entire summer playing sand volleyball. Or why we’re taking all these recent trips to the ocean. Y’see, I would be in heaven if I was able to stretch out on a nice, rocky beach but sadly, very few people share my illness. And so I suffer for the betterment of those around me.

That said, how is it I had to haul eight tons of it over the weekend and also threw in several thousand pounds of bricks for good measure?

Project Hadley Playset from Hades is well underway and I am pleased to say we are almost halfway done. It has been a beast of a job trying to build a retaining wall and fill in a rather substantial ditch our developers thoughtfully left all the houses on the west side of our street. Eventually, this is where the swingset will go.

Jamie took Friday off and diligently worked most of the weekend. I pitched in a good number of hours but now that Bode is mobile, I can’t turn my back on him for even a moment. I learned that the hard way last week. I let him nap on our bed and when he woke up, he briefly discovered the freedom of flight. It did not end well.

I promised Jamie he would have my undivided help during Bode’s two naptimes (that were not on our bed). I admittedly had a devious plan. Y’see, I nearly had a nervous breakdown last week because Bode was a terrible napper and Hadley didn’t do it at all. So I figured for once, these kids of mine would give me an out and I would have to endure Jamie’s slave labor for maybe an hour each day.

Bu then they both slept. And slept and slept. After my hundredth trip with sand and bricks, I was at my limit but couldn’t back out. I deliriously made up a catchy little jingle in my head, which I sang over and over again to get me through:

“WAKE UP, DARNIT. WAKE UP, DARNIT.”

OK, so maybe “darnit” wasn’t the exact word but my lyrics aren’t exactly along the lines of what Mormon girls would say. Well, at least not the good ones.

But I survived Round 1 and am ready for Round 2 next weekend. But this time I plan to be armed with an even better secret weapon for the children.

You know, like sugar. Lots and lots of sugar.

Filed Under: Family, Hadley, Humor, Jamie

Would You Trust These Children?

May 17, 2007 by Amber

Are they:

a) Currently under house arrest for defacing an entire Thomas the Trainset with blue marker.
b) Passport pictures wherein they look like the Taliban.
c) Totally busted for stepping on and/or consuming yard-obsessed Jamie’s plants.
d) All of the above

If you guessed “d” you must have a few delinquents of your own.

Last week, a Farewatcher Alert appeared in my inbox with a crazy-cheap deal for flights to Mexico. Jamie and I had planned to take the kids to Orlando in August but after doing some figuring, determined it would be less expensive to go to a foreign country than to vacation in our own. Go figure.

The 24 hours that followed were frenzied, primarily due to the need for the kids to now have passports for travel to Mexico and Canada. Surprisingly enough, they were champs whilst getting their photos taken. Much better than I, who was reprimanded for not standing still enough and for looking “too chipper.” Forgive me for not perfecting my Taliban glare.

Hadley cannot stop talking about the beach and has been practicing her Spanish, muchos gracias to that bilingual Dora the Explorer. Our conversations are repeatedly interwoven with “hola madre,” “amigos,” and “vaminose, let’s go!” She even shows off with some made-up Spanish words because she knows her north-of-the-border mother doesn’t know what the crap she’s talking about.

In order to afford our getaway we had to relinquish some local trips this summer, including a trek out to Utah for Jamie’s grandpa’s 90th birthday. I am surprised by just how much discord this has caused Jamie’s sweet mother. She can’t figure out why on earth we would we chose a trip to the sun-kissed beaches of Mexico vs. making polite conversation with relatives we’ve never met in the desert?

Duh.

Truth be told, I was sad to miss this trip. I still have many friends in Utah and had planned to trail run walk OK, crawl many of my old haunts. On the other hand, I cannot wait to watch Haddie bodysurf for the first time and witness Bode ingest a quart of sand. Every hour. Call me crazy but it just sounds better than the humiliation of watching Jamie fumble around trying to remember his 243 cousins’ names. Talk about embaracada.

Oh wait. I think that means “knocked up” and not “embarrassing.”

But if I were a true Dora devotee, I would have already known that.

Travel writer travelin’ tip: Jamie came upon this gem when we booked our recent cruise: SkyAuction.com. It is an online eBay-esque site where they auction off travel for CHEAP. We saved several hundred dollars on our cruise and this time around, got an all-inclusive hotel for half the price. My only payment for this little plug is that you take me with you. So I guess that doesn’t mean savings in the end but think of what a delightful addition I will be to your romantic getaway.

Filed Under: Bode, Family travel, Hadley, Humor, travel