Humor | Life Elevated Mom

Happy Birthday to Hunky Hubby!

December 9, 2008 by Amber

It is ma honey’s birthday today. Some people would say that he puts up with a lot having me as his wife.

And they would be correct.

But it goes both ways.

He demonstrated his obsession during our recent annual gingerbread house decorating contest at Grandma’s. Oh wait. I forgot. Pacifist Grandma always corrects us that “this is all about family bonding and it is not a contest.”

Yeah, right.

Any guesses as to which house he decorated with Bode? Hint: The front yard is very telling.

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband who is never boring.

Well, except for when he drones on and on about poultry compost, alfalfa meal, bone meal, green sand, humic acid, organic 10-5-5 fertilizer with calcium, tree leaves, elemental sulphur, peat moss and aluminum sulphate….

XOXOXXOXO
Amber

Filed Under: holidays, Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Wii Fit Partying, Oprah-style

December 8, 2008 by Amber

Just who are these girls–

And why is he cheering?

What’s up with this shot

Evidently, there’s just no rhyme or reason….

Find out all the sordid details of The Party of the Year and why I have been christened the new Oprah.

‘Twas a few weeks before Christmas, when all through my place,

Several creatures were stirring as they didst race.

Nintendo had come and a Wii Fit Party they did throw,

For 10 of my friends…for what they did not know.

They thought it was to eat and to laugh and to play.

As Wii Fit rudely divulged we were “unbalanced” that day.

Wii Fit’s elves brought not only games but goodies galore
With smoothies, chicken skewers and healthy snacks…but there was more.

For my friends, in fearing a healthy evening without treats
Brought cookies, brownies and pumpkin pie to eat.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of ski jumping and hoola hoops danced in our heads.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But four tiny Wii Fit elves, grinning ear-to-ear.

I said, “Now, Sylvia! Now, Bonnie! Now, Julia and Kat!
This Eve has been perfect. You just can’t top that.”

But top it they did as they unloaded their haul:

Yoga outfits and mats and a Wii Fit for all.

There was hugging and there was much screaming galore,

I was heralded as Oprah and was thanked for their score.

My eyes — how they twinkled! My dimples were deep!

As promises of lunches and free babysitting I didst reap.

I laughed to myself because I knew the giving was not done
For my Mile High Mamas were certainly deserving of such fun.

And so I announce it here, now and this day:
Within seven nights, we will hold a Wii and Wii Fit giveaway!

Rest assured, this is true and it is not a trick
I may not be Oprah but you can call me Saint Nick.

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor Tagged With: Nintendo

I’ll Be Home for Christmas and Evidence I Am the Neglected Middle Child

December 1, 2008 by Amber

Christmas is not Christmas unless I am home in Canada. I am fine being away from The Motherland for every other season and holiday but there is something about being home for holidays. Actually, a lot of “somethings” that include a rousing game of bum darts and the Pollock rendition of 12 Days of Christmas.

We may not be politically correct but it’s never boring.

If I had my way, we would go home every Christmas but we alternate locations because I married a man who 1) has family here in Colorado and 2) stubbornly refuses to work for the airlines so I can fly for free.

I had been stressing about this Christmas. With the crummy economy and airline tickets that have been jacked up due to rising fuel costs, it was a very real possibility we would not be able to afford it even though it is our year to go home.

I shopped for tickets back in October and the cheapest I could come up with during peak travel times was $800 + taxes. Multiple that by four and it is equal to more than I make in a month. OK, a year.

I stumbled upon a site that compares all the prices from the leading travel sites and I was able to play around with dates and numbers. At first, I couldn’t get it for under $3,200. But I figured out how to save some money by having the kids and I depart one week earlier than my husband and we would then all fly back together.

The upside: We saved almost $1,000 and gosh darn it, we get to go home for the holidays!

The downsides: We still payed a fortune (more than I make in a decade) and won’t have much money left for presents. But the most dreadful thing of all: there are layovers both ways. And one of those “ways” will involve solo travel with The Children.

If you remember my travel travails of last summer (think bird in the windshield), you will wonder if my head is screwed on straight. It surely is, but it’s just facing the wrong direction.

Nonetheless, after weeks of agonizing about it, I was ecstatic to be going home. I called my mom that night.

“Guess what, Mom. We were able to save some money on airline tickets AND WE’RE COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!”

“Oh really? Is this your year to come?”

Filed Under: Canada, Family travel, holidays, Humor, travel

And so it Begins: The Great Pumpkin 2009

November 20, 2008 by Amber

You may think because I have not talked about pumpkins for a few weeks that pumpkin season is over. Au contraire, my friends. My husband received permission from our neighbor to grow The Great Pumpkin on the field behind our house. Now he is obsessed with building up the soil (one of the most important factors of growing a giant pumpkin). He has created such concoctions as mycorrhizal fungi, Neptune’s Fish & Seaweed, compost tea, molasses and fat-free milk.

Try having that in your refrigerator.

The other day, he announced he was going to run to the bank. A few minutes later, the kids and I decided to play in the backyard. As we walked out on the deck, Bode squealed, “Daddy, dere’s Daddy!”

I was about to explain to him that Daddy had gone to the bank when I looked over the fence to where he was pointing and there was my beloved husband obsessing over the soil.

“Bank, eh?” I queried.
“Well, after this one little detour,” he sheepishly confessed.

Like a moth to the flame, my friends.

Oh, and if you think your obsessions will not rub off on your children?

Think again.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, Marriage, pumpkins

The day my daughter and I almost froze to death beside a hot tub

November 17, 2008 by Amber

OK, so maybe that title is a wee bit of an exaggeration. More like the day Haddie and I almost lost a few fingers as my two-year-old son Bode watched us as he played chess. Didn’t know a toddler could pass a pawn? Me neither.

A little bit of background: my family recently went to Keystone, which is of the few major resorts in Colorado I had yet to visit since moving here six years ago. I fell in love with the area and am already planning a return trip in January to ski and skate on their huge lake, which boasts the largest Zamboni-maintained outdoor skating rink in North America. And for this Canuck who grew up skating on frozen lakes and rivers, this will surely provide warm memories of my frozen nose hairs.

It was opening weekend for the resort but instead of hitting the slopes, we played in the village and dined at The Bighorn Steakhouse overlooking the lake. The food was delicious, the ambiance refined yet family-friendly and my children miraculously ate every last bite of their dinner. As for me, I am still trying to work off the 5,000 calories I consumed from the huge dessert platter.

We stayed at The Timbers, one of SummitCove’s more luxurious properties. Forget the gourmet kitchen and slope-side views–what really made this condo a winner was their on-site pack-and-play, children’s utensils and dishes, and humidifiers. It was my home away from home.

Or so I wish.

But where was I? Oh yes, back to how we almost froze to death. Our [much nicer] home away from home also included an indoor/outdoor pool, a hot tub with a waterfall and a fire pit. Saturday morning, the kids and I were banging away on the lobby’s grand piano and playing with the chess pieces when I noticed the fire pit outside was lit. And then I got a brilliant idea.

Or so I thought.

The kids and I would dash out there, pose for a picture and rush back in before you could say H-Y-P-O-T-H-E-R-M-I-A. Bode begged off our plan, preferring to stay inside and explore the intricacies of chess. So it was just Haddie and me.

We dashed, we posed and we ran back…to a locked patio door. And imagine my delight to discover my room key did not work. I was in a T-shirt, Haddie was barefoot, it was cold, my husband was blissfully tucked away in our room, we were in an enclosed courtyard and the building was a ghost town.

There was only Bode.

Have you ever tried to convince a 2-year-old to interrupt something he is engrossed in to help you? The strategy is completely different than with an older child. There is no threatening that you’ll take the car away. There are no bribes for new toys. There is just begging. And jumping jacks. And more begging.

And his reaction? He smiled. Even laughed. And then he turned back to his chess game.

This carried on for about 15 minutes. I was just about to hop into the hot tub to warm up when he finally grew tired of our cat-and-frozen-mouse game and waddled over to the door. He gave me one last devious smile and opened it.

I didn’t know whether to hug him or smack his insolent little bottom.

I went for the hug.

But have revoked all future driving privileges until he is 80.

(Originally published at Mile High Mamas).

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, outdoors, travel

The Family Pet: To Have or Have Not?

November 10, 2008 by Amber

Growing up, we always had pets. There was Peppery the Tomcat who enjoyed knocking up the neighborhood felines and who, despite his amorous inclinations, was a fighter not a lover (I had the battle wounds to prove it). Then there was my beloved Lacey who I trained for the Bichon Frise Summer Olympics against her cousin, Missy. One day on a run, portly Lacey faked an injury.

I had no idea dogs even knew how to do that.

I loved and cared for my pets even when they did not love me back. I always assumed when I had a family of my own, pets would become a part of our life.

Except they’re not.

Hadley adores animals and constantly begs us for a pet. I think if we already had one when we became parents, it would be different. But my husband issued a decree we would not get one until “everyone in this house is potty trained.” At the time, there was only him, my daughter and me.

Do you think he was trying to tell me something?

I have to admit I agree with him. Life is just so busy with two young children that the thought of taking care of an animal does not appeal to me. I would love to take a dog out hiking and I would certainly appreciate the companionship. But then I remember the clean-up, training, vet bills and vacation hassles.

Sure, we could get a low-maintenance animal like a hamster or a fish. But in my opinion, the point of having a pet is to interact with them. And somehow removing them belly-up from the fish tank is not my idea of interaction. Nor is consorting with rodents.

I will likely not always feel this way. And rest assured, when everyone is potty trained my daughter will hold us to our word.

Unless I can buy some time by faking a few accidents of my own.

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

What movies scared you as a child?

October 27, 2008 by Amber

We unintentionally traumatized our daughter last week.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind was on television. I have never seen it so my husband announced we would have family movie night. We thought nothing of it. Hadley (4) and Bode (2) have played in the room when we’ve watched movies plenty of times before. The difference? Hadley decided to watch with us.

My kids are pretty sheltered, only watching shows like Dora the Explorer and the occasional episode of Ugly Betty. But Swiper the Fox and villainous Willamina Slater don’t have anything on UFOs and aliens.

Who knew?

The children watched the first 45 minutes with us and then we put them to bed. A few minutes later, Hadley was back, professing she was scared.

I have to admit, we kind of blew her off. I mean, the kid doesn’t usually get scared and would give Boo of Monsters Inc. a run for her money. We gave her a soothing hug and a kiss and told her to go back upstairs.

We didn’t hear another peep out of her but then we found out why. After the movie, I rounded the corner from our TV room and there was poor sweet Hadley, passed out on the floor. She had been too freaked out to go to her room by herself and had fallen asleep.

Remorse enveloped me and we carried her to her bed. That’s when the screaming started. Jamie soothed her for a while and finally brought her in our bedroom. “I have a plan,” he announced. He placed her beside me in bed and walked out of the room. Some plan.

Once she fell asleep, he miraculously came back and put her in her own bed but she kept waking up and she eventually came to sleep in our bed.

At least one of us slept that night.

Good wife that I am, I blame my husband. I should have seen him planting the early seeds of trauma. Back when Haddie was 2, she was watching Chevy Chase’s Vacation with him and I overheard the following conversation:

“Wow, Daddy. What are they doing?”

“Just looking for a place to dispose of the body, Sweetie.”

Filed Under: Family, Hadley, Humor

YOUR VOTE NEEDED TO STOP THE INSANITY!!

October 23, 2008 by Amber

I have been sick all week but a recent development may have augmented my weakened condition.

I could handle the non-stop talk about pumpkins.

I survived all the summer evenings that Jamie spent at his parent’s house nurturing his orange monstrosity.

I proudly displayed the many newspaper clippings of him and The Great Pumpkin (he was featured six weeks in a row).

I even accepted the concoction of bat guano he had gurgling on our front porch all summer.

But this, THIS my friends has sent me over the edge. It is an email I discovered him typing the other day. And at this, I am putting my foot WAAAAAAAY down.

Carol,

I’ve never raised worms before but have read more than one study on the
value of worm castings to many plants. I grow giant pumpkins (the 1,000
pound variety) and have given my planting beds a healthy portion or worm
castings in the past but have recently learned that almost all store bought
worm castings are sterilized (which defeats at least 50% of the purpose of
the castings).

My questions for you is how often and how much would I need to feed the
worms? How often and how much water would I give them? How much space is required? Come spring time I would love 50 lbs of worm castings to mix into the soil. What would I need to do to do this? And lastly, my plan would be to keep them in a storage room that is typically around 65 degrees. Would I need to be concerned about any smells and what types of foods would you give them to keep the smell down?

Jamie

Jamie says I am overreacting. How would YOU react to having your basement converted into a worm garden?????!!

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, Marriage, pumpkins

The tale of a sleep-walking mouse

October 20, 2008 by Amber

Jamie’s sleep issues started before we were married with a sleep-walking incident during his visit home to Meet the Parents (the movie is actually based on our true story).

A bit of background: we met ONLINE (a rather crazy story for another time) and were married within six months after we met. My family was subsequently wary of Jamie and my brother Patrick even referred to him as “The Axe Murderer.” For this reason, it was very important for him to make a good impression when I bought him home to meet The Family for Christmas. It didn’t happen.

After his first full day in Calgary, he retired to his assigned room in the basement. My brother Jade and Shannon, his busting-at-the-seams pregnant wife, were in the room next to him. Something you should know about Jamie is that when he does dream, it is very vivid. As in he thinks it’s actually happening.

So, Jamie was in dreamland when he was awoken by a mouse crawling up his leg (or so he thought). He shot outta bed, flew out of his room, only to find Jade and Shannon having a late-night discussion on the couch. They were shocked.

Panting heavily, Jamie announced to them, “Don’t worry: I’m Jamie Johnson!” (For fear they had forgotten who he was, of course) And he then proceeded to babble about how he had allegedly been attacked by a mouse. During his commentary, he went over to pet Lucky (the dog he did not like) and then gave his soon-to-be sister-in-law a backrub (who, at nine months pregnant, was not exactly the cuddly type).

Jamie then started to slowly wake up and made his way upstairs to get a glass of water. The full ramifications of what he had done started to set in. Embarrassed, he curled his 6′1 frame up onto a little couch upstairs and tried to go back to sleep, vowing to not go downstairs and face those people again.

Sympathetic and amused Jade eventually followed him up, “Hey Dude, are you all right?”

He really wasn’t.

When I went down the next morning to wake Jamie up, I could tell something was wrong. It was all confirmed in just one statement: “I think I gave Shannon a backrub last night.”

And so it began.

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor, Jamie

Which Witch is Which (and other Salem findings)

October 14, 2008 by Amber

Our Halloween celebrations are in full swing and I am lovin’ life these days. It could be the cooler temperatures or the fun decorations. Or maybe it’s the parties, costume parades or the abundance of pumpkins for this pumpkin-obsessed family. And not to be forgotten is the emergence of my ghost salad tongs.

What? Like your mom doesn’t send you salad tongs for every season.

As aforementioned, Jamie and I went to Boston for one of the world’s largest pumpkin weigh-offs at The Topsfield Fair. He was as giddy as a kid in a candy storea grown man freaking out over big pumpkins.

And I’m not talking about the female variety.

I admittedly don’t have room to talk. I relished being in a region that celebrates fall and Halloween. Where every other house was decorated, pumpkins were revered and where Salem’s witch population provides for great entertainment.

Just so long as you stay on their good side.

Jamie and I stayed at Fox Pond B&Bin Marblehead, a quaint coastal town outside of Salem. Our first night, we really wanted some fresh seafood so upon the recommendation of the B&B’s owner we ate at The Barnacle, a cozy seafood haunt on the water. I am not much of a seafood lover but make the exception “When in Rome” and resolved to try some shrimp or lobster.

Until I was told that pumpkin ravioli with butternut squash cream sauce was the daily special. And how was it?

Think deli scene from When Harry Met Sally.

But really, the must-see destination for any Halloween lover was Salem. There was a profusion of fall colors, oodles of tacky tourists vying to see the sundry of witch museums and best of all, witches. Or at least folks dressed up as them.

More than 40,000 people descend upon Salem in October. My only goal was to buy something that I could display every year so I could profess we bought it from The Witch Capital of the World.

Easier said than done.

I dragged Jamie to all the tacky tourist stores and I was tempted by their wares but never swayed.

Until I saw IT. The bain to my wenchy…errr…witchy existence: a witch’s hat with flowing tendrils. It was like the Sorting Hat on Harry Potter. From the moment I put it on, it knew me and I knew we had been separated at birth.

Unfortunately, Jamie was not in agreement. Much to his chagrin, I insisted upon wearing The Hat the rest of the day and he had his own coping mechanisms for our new addition.

“Why are you not walking with me?” I accused.
“I am walking with you. It’s just far away.”

And so it is in the life of a witch.

Filed Under: holidays, Humor, Jamie, pumpkins, travel Tagged With: Halloween