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The Lord of the Gourd: A Q&A

October 2, 2008 by Amber

Thank you for your overwhelming support for The Great Pumpkin. So many questions, so much sympathy re: my neglected status. I have been asked what our real garden is like and my answer? What garden? Jamie says the reason our garden did not flourish is due to a pesky vole.

I say the reason was the inordinate about of time spent on The Great Pumpkin.

Jamie could not keep up with all the great comments about his 755-pound beast so, for the first time ever, The Great Lord of the Gourds is making his first verbatim appearance on my blog. Join me in welcoming him as he answers some of your questions! (And please excuse the spacing issues on this post; evidently The Great Pumpkin even defies HTML regulations).

1) So did massive amount of Miracle Gro go into this bad boy or what’s the secret?

This pumpkin was grown completely organic, including the small boy up the street that it ate three weeks ago.It was sad to see the boy go but the pumpkin put on 40 pounds that day. Many growers will use MiracleGro and the like to grow giant pumpkins but most of the heavy hitters go completely organic so they can build up the soil and plant on the same spot year after year.

2) What are your plans for The Great Pumpkin?

We are going to cut a hole into the top of it like a Kayak, put it in a lake and paddle around.It is plenty big and buoyant enough to use it as a boat for an adult. Editor’s note: Dear Lord, please do not let The Great Pumpkin sink. I cannot bear to see a grown man cry.

3) How much pumpkin pie will that thing make? And pumpkin bread, cake.

Mmmmm. Love the pumpkin bread. Unfortunately, Dill’s Giant Atlantic variety pumpkins aren’t very good eating I’m told. Editor’s note: thank heavens for this response. Gutting and cooking up that pumpkin would be akin to life as a hunter’s wife.

4) Wow. I’m trying to imagine how much watering/care/etc. a giant pumpkin takes. And yard space!

This pumpkin plant was 30 feet wide by 30 feet long.The pumpkin didn’t fill the entire space but it did take a full 600 square feet of space.Once the plant was completely grown (about 1.5 months old) it was given about 2.5 inches of water per week.I usually tended to the plant about 30-60 minutes per day although Amber would tell you it was about
3-6 hours per day. Editor’s note: And Amber would be correct.

5) When I picture this whole thing in my mind …I just have to laugh. The great pumpkin? The whole pumpkin hobby? The planning of vacations and weekends around what else? Pumpkins! Expound.

Some call it obsession, others passion.Let’s be honest however. How many of us have planned our day around a television show(s) or other fruitless endeavors. At least mine produced some fruit. Actually a whole lot of it! lol

6) I will have to consult with your husband next
year. LONG have I wanted to grow pumpkins, but all three times I’ve tried the vines have sort of melted. Overwatering? General gardening lameness?

Melted?Hmmmm.I would say go to Denver Pumpkins and read what I did.If you start from the very first post you can get a blow by blow of the entire pumpkin season.If that doesn ’t work I’d suggest selling your hoe and giving your shovel a rest. Editor’s note: I’ve been called a lot of things but hoe is probably the most offensive.

7) I’m assuming conversation is going to turn to the new crop, it’s not to early to start planning, is it? What are next year’s plans?

Next years plans are for more pumpkins and a new patch.This year I grew at my parent’s house.That freaked them out the first half of the growing season so I am now going to be growing in the farmer’s field behind my house. Something about yelling at my mom for not throwing her body over the pumpkin plant, like a soldier throwing himself on a grenade, during the 2^nd hail storm of the season didn’t sit very well with her (I think my parents actually started enjoying it as the season went on however because it is really kind of fun watching the monster grow).

I have already had a soil test done on the field and have started to purchase the proper amendments to make sure the soil is to world class levels next spring. In the coming weeks I will be adding 5 yards of manure and many pounds of organic fertilizers and minerals to the soil.Next year I will have 3 plants (one for the kids) which will allow me to push the pumpkins a little harder in the hopes of getting to 1,000 pounds. Editor’s note: Great. That means I have a one-week vacation before pumpkin season starts all over again.

8) This might be a stupid question, but when you cut open this giant pumpkin, are the seeds giant, or normal size seeds? Just curious. That’s a great family photo! Jamie doesn’t name the pumpkin does he?

Giant pumpkin seeds tend to be a little bigger than the regular pumpkin seeds. They usually have a harder shell too. This year’s pumpkin’s name is DillBoy. Howard Dill is the inventor of Dill’s Giant Atlantic pumpkin seeds that all of the top growers use for competition.He passed away in May due to cancer.The seed that I grew on actually came from Howard so I name the pumpkin DillBoy in honor of him. Editor’s note: it is sentimental talk like this that makes me worried the man will indeed bury me inside of a pumpkin. Lord, please don’t let me go
first.

9) My question for your interview with Linus (er, Jamie)…how lucky are you to have a wife who not only allows the growing of the Great Pumpkin…but also throws a party for said pumpkin?

I couldn ’t agree with you more.My good wife not only put up with the pumpkin growing, but early in the season surprised me for Father’s Day with a trip for the two of us toTopsfield, Salem and Boston so I could go to the granddaddy of big pumpkin weigh-offs in Topsfield, Massachusetts.

The pumpkin party was completely my idea however.She said more than once “Who is going to go to a pumpkin party? And what are people going to do at a pumpkin party?”My answer, “Stare at the pumpkin.”She just said “whatever” to my reply until it dawned on her that I had invited some of her friends to the party and they had actually accepted. Horror struck my Party Princess wife when she realized that I was serious!

In the end, when the party was all done and the 30-40 guests had all gone home with smiles on their faces that a giant pumpkin has a strange sort of power. We all grew up reading children’s books with abnormally sized objects (fruit, shoes, beanstalks, eggs, candy, vegetables).As a result we kind of think of the whole giant thing as kind of whimsical thing that is way outside of reality.When you see a giant pumpkin for the first time it so breaks the mold of our accepted reality that we have to stare at it in wonder. The typical question, “Is it real or is it fiberglass?” is understandable because the whole thing doesn’t make any sense.How could food be that big?It is like staring at a children’s story book come to life.But then you touch it and stare at it some more the whole thing slowly becomes wonderful because it is like a children’s story book come to life.What could be better than seven hundred pounds of wonderful food all in a single fruit!? Editor’s note: sniff. No comment. Maybe I am a sentimental pumpkin-lovin’ fool after all….

Filed Under: holidays, Humor, Jamie, pumpkins Tagged With: Halloween

It’s a Denver Pumpkin Parrrrrrrr-tay!!!!!

September 30, 2008 by Amber

It’s the moment you have all been waiting for: the true glimpse into The Dysfunction of the Crazy Clan as we party in honor of The Great Pumpkin.

If you don’t like pumpkins, walk away now. And don’t come back until after Halloween. Later this week, I will do an interview with Mr. Lord of the Gourds whom you know only as my king of one-liners. In his humorous way, he will answer everything you have ever wanted to know about his freakish hobby of growing freakishly big pumpkins. So, please ask away in the comments below.

Now, onto the parties. It did not start well. You see, we had to borrow our neighbor’s trailer in order to haul The Great Pumpkin. I knew I was in for it when Jamie asked me to help him hook the trailer onto our SUV.

“Jamie, are you going to yell at me?”

“Not if you do a good job.”

Ten minutes later, the trailer pummelled down our driveway and landed on our flower beds. Evidently, I did not do a good job.

And yes, there was yelling.

But onto more important things….

The makings of a pumpkin party are:

1)The Great Pumpkin. And yes, we did decorate the canopy with [what else] pumpkin lights.

2) Food. And excited children to eat the food (Hadley’s own pumpkin served as our table display and she placed third in the children’s competition the next day!)

3) Pumpkin pie. Please disregard the blasphemy-that-was-the-apple-pie that dared to crash our pumpkin party.

4) Prayers to The Gods of the Great Pumpkin for the strength to move it.

5) Eight big, strong men [stupid enough] to haul it with The Lifting Tarp…

…and who can still smile when it’s over.

6) The tear-jerker ending as the sun sets on the now-empty pumpkin patch.

For details of the big weigh-off, go to Jamie’s blog, Denver Pumpkins. He has a slew of pictures of the crane they used to haul these beasts as well as some cool shots of the prize-winning pumpkin.

Oh, and a parting shot of Father and Son. And yes, Jamie did have that shirt custom-made. Did you really need to ask?

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Mystery of The Great Pumpkin FINALLY Revealed!

September 29, 2008 by Amber

First things first. Congratulations to Tanya of Mike and Tanya’s Corner of the World! Not only did she just have baby #2 but she also won The Great Pumpkin Contest and was just 10 pounds off from guessing the weight!

Before I get ahead of myself, let’s start with our kooky open house for the inanimate object a.k.a. pumpkin on Friday.

Guess what? It turns out our friends were kooky enough to attend, bring pumpkin gifts and pose for pictures with The Great Pumpkin.

And the highlight of the event? The great ~~ribbon cutting~~ vine snipping, followed by hauling it to the trailer. And just how did they do it? Eight men + one pumpkin lifting tarp + a whole lot of muscle. And even more sore backs. (Tune in tomorrow for the glorious commentary + pictures).

Colorado’s largest pumpkins congregated at the Rocky Mountain Giant Vegetable Growers weigh-off on Saturday. And if you had ever asked me as a little girl if I would marry a man who would become conjoined with such an organization, I would have laughed until I was blue in the face.

Or orange.

And the results all [five] of you have been waiting for? The Great Pumpkin’s weight is 755 pounds and it won second place for the prettiest pumpkin. The state record was broken by Joe Scherber at a whopping 1,135 pounds!

Which technically means that The Great Pumpkin is not quite as great as Farmer Joe’s. Or more accurately, Dentist Joe’s.

Though it just doesn’t have the same ring.

Last week on Mile High Mamas, I ran a Get-My-husband-Off-My-Back-and-Guess-His-Pumpkin’s-Weight Contest. Congratulations to Pat. Her guess was the closest and she won four tickets to Elitch’s Fright Fest!

My daughter took third place in the children’s division and Jamie plans to help our son grow one as well next year.

And then it will all be over for me because I will officially be outnumbered.

Lest you think I am a killjoy, know that our entire summer has revolved around The Great Pumpkin. A few weeks ago, we had family in town and we were talking about [what else?] pumpkins when there was a lull in the conversation. I finally broke it.

“Has anyone wondered what we are going to talk about when pumpkin season is over?”

Jamie: “We will reminisce about The Great Pumpkin.”

For additional pictures and fun commentary on the competition and open house, go to my blog, Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck tomorrow. Or if you’re just tuning into this saga, checkout Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

The End is Near for The Great Pumpkin

September 25, 2008 by Amber

It’s a big weekend in the Johnson pumpkin patch. Friday, Jamie is having an Open House for his pumpkin (yes, you heard correctly). I am sure hoards and hoards of people will come to watch it…sit. And engage in stimulating conversation such as fertilizer…and bat juice.

Jamie says the Open House is just a ruse. What he is really trying to do is lure people to his parent’s backyard so they can help haul the beast out.

Why?

The big weigh-off is on Saturday. Conveniently, I have to work at a Baby Expo the whole weekend. It wasn’t planned. Really.

Featured is the picture Jamie included on his invitation for his Open House.

Didn’t receive an invite? It is because:

1) You live too far away

2) We don’t like you

3) I like you too much to submit you to an open house celebrating an inanimate object.

4) All of the above

So, here’s the big question: have you ever or would you ever attend an open house for a pumpkin?!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Mommy blogger attacked by carcass; husband mourns paint job

September 24, 2008 by Amber

I’ll admit it: I’m Halloween obsessed. Ever since Halloween decorations started gracing the aisles at my favorite stores in August, I have been chomping at the bit to decorate our house. Some people think the best shopping day of the year is the day after Thanksgiving. Not so. For me, it is on November 1st when all the Halloween decorations are half-price. Rifling through last year’s purchases I had long forgotten was like Christmas…OK, better than Christmas.

On Saturday, we decorated the house. Or rather, Hadley and I gleefully decorated while Jamie pretended not to know us and Bode cried from the trauma of Marcus the Carcass and this year’s edition: haunted eyeballs.

The kid just needs to learn to suck it up.

The biggest obstacle was finding the actual decorations. We are finishing our basement so nothing is in its regular place.

Not that this is unusual. But it’s nice to at least have an excuse.

We found our huge box of decorations at the back of the crawl space. My loving husband (who would never complain over such an undertaking) crawled in and slowly inched the behemoth box to the door.

The problem was not getting it out of the small opening and over the ledge. The problem was that I have not been to boot camp for a couple of months and I was responsible for easing the 100-pound box to the ground by myself.

Rest assured, there was no easing whatsoever.

Instead, there was a whole lot of shouting as Marcus came smashing down on me.

And my loving husband’s reaction? Did he come to my rescue by snatching Marcus off of me?

No. He instead lamented that I had scraped up the newly-painted ledge while I lay recovering in a heap.

Death by carcass. Kind of ironic, don’t you think?

After that little incident, Pumpkin Man had better watch his back…and his orange monstrosity.

Now, if I could only lift the darn thing….

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Soccer Moms Unite as a Soccer Mom is Born!

September 22, 2008 by Amber

Last weekend, I became a soccer mom for the first time. I am in the camp that loves sports. I have always loved sports. And I have always wanted my children to love sports. That said, I do not believe children should be pushed into activities they do not want to do. I believe in giving them a choice.

Unless that choice does not involve soccer.

In all seriousness, I debated waiting to enroll Hadley in soccer. At 4, she has done a myriad of sports that include gymnastics (her face and the springboard often met their match), dance (she performed an unscripted solo at the recital) and murder ball (her little brother is often the target).

But soccer is a sport Hadley really wanted to try. Last Saturday was her first game and Jamie has been prepping her for weeks. His initial strategies centered around scoring and ball handling. But after a series of mishaps and subsequent tantrums, he instituted the No. 1 rule of soccer: “No crying.”

Someone should have told me that before we got completely massacred.

Haddie’s team was doomed from the start because 1) They played against a team who has been training together since birth and 2) Her team name is “The Butterflies.” There is absolutely no intimidation factor in a flittering insect whose lifespan is only a few days.

I will be campaigning to change it to “The Bruisers.”

I have always thought it is completely ridiculous that younger teams do not keep score. I reasoned how are you supposed to teach children about the dynamics of winning and losing in life if you don’t quantify it?

Until we lost. Big time.

After yet another goal by the other team, I groaned, “Oh no!” My friend Lisa leaned over and whispered, “At this age, you’re supposed to cheer when they score.” I countered, “Not after the 20th goal.”

It’s true. I read it somewhere in The Soccer Mom Handbook.

And how did my daughter do? Overall, she did pretty well and made some great plays. Her strategies were to 1) Yank on the other team’s jersey when she tried to get the ball and 2) Throw herself over Said Ball to prevent anyone else from getting it.

Because if she can’t take proper possession, no one can.

We were all becoming weary at the end of the game after the opposing team’s Beckham Jr. had yet another breakaway. I started to throw in the towel until a mom next to me jokingly shouted:

“Take her out at the knees.”

It was then I knew I had met my soccer mom soul mate….

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

Guess the pumpkin’s weight contest!

September 21, 2008 by Amber

I usually don’t do contests on this blog and reserve that for Mile High Mamas. However, I am running a contest over there that I feel you should be a part of. Because you’ve been with me from the get-go and have suffered through It with me.

It being The Great Pumpkin.

The weigh-off is Saturday and I am running a contest to guess the pumpkin’s weight. For Mile High Mamas, the person with the closest guess will win passes to Elitch Garden’s Fright Fest. For you, I have a Baby Mama DVD and a $15 gift certificate for AMC theatres.

To enter, simply send an email to giveaways@milehighmamas.com with “Baby Mama” in the subject line. Include your blog name with your guess. For a hint of the pumpkin’s weight, head on over to Mile High Mamas!

XOXOX

The Pumpkin Widow

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Pie Hole Defined

September 18, 2008 by Amber

Couple illness with our busy life and I feel like we have been in hibernation for the last two weeks. So at the first hint of normacly, I planed a day jam packed with fun: we would meet some friends for a playgroup at the park, drive downtown to R.E.I. to buy a bike pump, go for a long walk past Confluence Park along the Platte River (one of my favorite areas) and then have some free pie as a part of ABC’s promotion for the television show Pushing Daisies.

I generously let Hadley play hooky from preschool so she could join us. Because I’m nice like that. And also because her carpool buddy is out of town and to have to drop her off and pick her up? Unthinkable.

We had a jolly old time with our friends and then headed downtown to R.E.I. and on our walk. It was a beautiful day, the kids were content and we were going for free pie. Could life really get any better?

Or rather, I should say, “Could life get any worse?” Because guess what: it always can.

The plan was to go to where ABC had parked their traveling Pie Hole promotional bus, grab some pie and then eat lunch at a hip little market in Larimer Square. The problems began not with the pie, but with their free promotional balloons. One would think the acquisition of Said Balloons would be innocent enough.

Until the fights ensued.

So violent were the squabbles that Bode went on a pie strike, refusing to eat. And just as the pies were going to be used as weapons of war, I confiscated Said Weapons and nipped the rebellion in the bud.

Or more appropriately, in the Pie Hole.

Funny, I never knew where that term came from until now…. 🙂

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Gone. All of it gone, gone, gone, gone, gone

September 16, 2008 by Amber

Do you ever have times when life is just not going your way? That would be my last 72 hours. I haven’t been able to access Mile High Mamas most of the day, only to find out that the denverpost.com’s producer accidentally deleted an entire month’s worth of posts and forum discussions. The last few days, I have spent hours writing these posts on an upcoming Expo, as well as linking to everyone who attended our inaugural Mama’s Night Out on Friday.

All of it, gone.

If that doesn’t tick me off enough, I also had several weeks of posts that were queued to be published. Gone. Hours and hours and hours of work sitting in my drafts. Gone.

Maybe my new theme song should be John Mayer’s Gone. Baby Gone, Gone, Gone, Gone, Gone.

On a positive note, Bode’s illness will hopefully soon be gone. He has had a lingering cold that augmented last weekend. Sunday night, he was inconsolable and I stayed up with him ALL NIGHT LONG as he sobbed “OUCHIE.” At about 3 a.m., we almost made our first trip to the ER but held off and went to the doctor in the morning.

The culprit? His EARDRUM RUPTURED. Here I am whining about a deleted database and the poor little guy thought his head was going to explode. With the help of antibiotics and painkillers, he is finally turning the corner. Thanks to my good friend Lisa who took Hadley for the day, Bode and I were finally able to get some sleep that afternoon.

The sad thing? I was more functional on no sleep than I am on seven hours of it. Go figure.

The happenings of the last few days remind me of when Haddie and I recently watched Enchanted. As I gazed over at her, I was touched by just how sweet and beautiful she looked.

I approached her and starting singing,

Me: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.”

Hadley [pointing to the movie]: “The evil witch poisoned her. She. Will. Die.”

Believe me some days, I know the feeling.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Many Girl’s Nights Out for This Mama!

September 15, 2008 by Amber

A special thanks to everyone who talked me off the ledge. My frustrations are not with the many wonderful bloggers who have become part of my circle but the people I already know in real life who have left me out of it. I’m not fixing to quit anytime soon but I just don’t understand the dynamic. I’m jealous of those folks who have real-life friends who have become active bloggers so they can share that with them.

And to the lurkers who came forward to say “hi–thanks! I don’t expect everyone who visits to leave a comment because that would be ~~millions and millions~~ tens and tens of them. I like to visit those who come visit me and I went through a stage when I was obsessed with receiving oodles of comments but it was nearly impossible to keep up with them all. Just not worth it. So, thanks to those who keep tuning in to read about the Crazy Crew!

In other matters, The Hurricane had her first soccer game ever on Saturday. BHAHAHHAHA. Details forthcoming.

Oh, and I partied a lot last week. On Wednesday, Mile High Mamas was invited to an exclusive preview of Colorado Ballet’s new season. It was their dress rehearsal and I’m not sure what I was expecting. Certainly not the male danseur who was dressed down in an ensemble that looked suspiciously like Bode’s flannel PJs or the other guy whose sweats had a hole in the crotch.

It was ballet like I’ve never seen before.

Thursday was Enrichment Night at the church. The topic? Self-esteem. They kept the topic a secret because well, we’re all too lacking in self-esteem to be reminded that we don’t have it and would not have shown up. The night was soooo cheeseball but really well done. We broke off into two classes and had the cutest Size 2 shop-a-holic try to convince a group of frumpy housewives to spice up their wardrobe. It worked. I went shopping the next morning. Jamie says he plans to bill her later.

The other class was yoga. This is where the comedic value kicked in and I internally laughed my butt off at how ridiculous we all looked trying to awkwardly contort our bodies. One thing’s for sure: I won’t ever look at these women normally again without thinking, “Hey, nice downward dog.”

Because isn’t that what every ward needs to bond?

Filed Under: Uncategorized