How Not To Sell Your House

In today’s edition of How Not to Sell Your House, I have a doozy.

Last week, we had hope! And then despair! And then more despair!

Remember  my “inspired” answer to prayers:“Madam, this is only a prelude to what you have to suffer.” Welp, it turns out that was pretty prophetic and things have definitely gone south. If you will recall, I really like the NORTH–The farther and whiter the better.

(At least our flowers look pretty)

On Tuesday, our realtor called to tell us we had not one but two people who were going to make an offer on the house, which is more than we ever could have dreamed at this point. And then not one, not two, but ZERO ended up making that offer.

On Wednesday, Jamie noticed our For Sale sign was stolen in broad daylight from our front lawn. Countless realtor friends have told me in all their years in real estate, they have never seen that happen. Welcome to our world. Our realtor has been on vacation and lives in Colorado Springs so Jamie had to spend almost five hours stuck in traffic to get another sign.

And then Friday was Denver’s first heat wave of the year with 95+degree temperatures. I came home from a wonderful and much-needed cooler day in the mountains where I went hiking with my friend Lisa before we picked our daughters up at Outdoor Lab.

Jamie greeted me at the door.

“Don’t swear.”

“Why would I swear?”

“Because of what I’m going to tell you. Our air-conditioning unit went out today.”

You mean that air conditioning unit that has worked perfectly fine the entire time we have lived here and chooses now to break down?

I didn’t swear. At least not out loud. That counts for something, right?

A $1,000+ fix later, we’re back in business.

Hadley’s 12th Birthday “Close to You” Painting Party!

Hadley is so obsessed with all-things painting that I knew we had to do something creative for her 12th birthday party. There are several fabulous painting/drinking studios but I didn’t want to deal the hassle of driving somewhere so it was a no-brainer when I heard about Gallery on the Go, a mobile canvas painting party service that was started right here in Colorado.

I don’t have an artistic bone in my body so the thought of getting out the craft supplies and cleaning them up makes me cringe. At the time of Hadley’s party, I was juggling sixth grade continuation, putting our house on the market, helping at a wedding reception and four graduation parties, which is a nice way of saying I had no time. 

Do you want to know what I had to do to plan our Gallery on the Go party? I simply told them when to come to my house and Hadley pre-selected what she wanted to paint from the variety of artwork for boys and girls from their gallery. I provided the food and drinks while they supplied everything else–from the table and floor coverings to chairs, aprons, paint, canvases, a fun photo booth, a game and even a gift for the birthday girl!

gallerygood

galleryonthegofun

Carrie, our “Independent Gallery Guide,” was fabulous as she assisted the girls through every brush stroke made even easier with their color-coded brushes while still giving them their own creative outlet. The girls were widely varied in their artistic abilities and all were thrilled with the finished product, thanks to Carrie’s patience and expertise while I stayed hidden on the sidelines.

It was a win-win for everyone.

But the party was just getting started. If you’ll recall, last year I pulled the ultimate prank when a huge birthday package arrived for her from J.B. When she opened the big box, several smaller ones were inside. When she got down to the final box, the girls were squealing “I’ll bet it’s a cell phone.” It was much better: it was a Justin Bieber T-shirt. Hadley was so hilariously mortified she stuffed it in the toilet.

I wondered how I could top J.B.’s celebrity appearance and the inspiration came to me when I heard The Carpenter’s song, “Close to You.” I asked each of her friends to secretly learn the words and they performed it for her, complete with costumes and props.

Rehearsing

I asked my friends at Talk to the Camera to pull together a video for it and I had one requirement: make it cheesy and they delivered. I get teary-eyed watching these great friends (Alex, Addison, Maeve, Morgan, Alicia, Kasey, Ellie and Haley) and I know she’ll treasure this for many years to come…when she gets over her shock.   https://vimeo.com/169764033 Password: Stars

Close To You Hadley from Audrey Walters on Vimeo.

And yes, the Biebs did make a surprise celebrity experience at the end. Unfortunately she didn’t really notice Alex was wearing the shirt until the camera stopped rolling but it would have been footage for the ages.

Happy 12th, my dear!

Where the deer, antelope and reindeer play

The bad: Someone stole our For Sale sign in broad daylight yesterday.

The good: At least they took a flyer.

And didn’t move our reindeer into a compromising position like they did the last time we were vandalized.

Lovin’ it as a “Ritz-Kid”

I wanted to do something special for Hadley’s 12th birthday. Not only will she be moving and starting at a new middle school, but she is leaving our children’s organization at church and entering “Young Women.” She’s at such a tender, transitional age that I wanted to celebrate the beautiful young lady she is becoming.  There was no better way to do it than by  surprising her with her first real spa experience at the Ritz-Carlton Denver, which recently introduced an array of services crafted just for kids and teens.

Upon arrival, Hadley was instructed to change into a robe and slippers. The locker room facilities are only available to ages 18 and older so she got ready in the bathroom and waited for her appointment in the cozy lounge. As she leaned back on the luxurious beige couch sampling chocolate chips, infused water and dried bananas, she mused:

spaday1sm

“Can we do this every day?”
“You haven’t done anything yet.”
“All I need is to sit in this waiting area and I’ll be happy.”

Attention to all parents with hormonal teens: this is all they need!

Her first treatment was the Teen Facial. Specially crafted for teenagers, this cleansing facial helps analyze any concerns with your developing teen’s skin with organic products used to add extra sensitivity protection. I hunkered down in the corner of the dimly-lit room for the duration of the 45-minute treatment trying to stifle my laughter. My girl was in her element as she was swept and blown away in her ultimate experience of relaxation, renewal, and refreshment (if you’ve ever had a facial, you know).

While she was still relaxing on her massage table, I asked what she thought of her first facial.

“I feel heavy,” she groggily announced.
“Heavy? Do you mean from all the blankets?”
“No, heavy like gravity is pulling me down telling me not to move ever again.”

From there, she entered the world of light, The Spa at The Ritz-Carlton’s bright salon, where had the Berries and Bliss Manicure Pedicure. Starting with a warm Butter Brulee Milk soak, she then had her toes and nails rejuvenated with a fresh coat of polish, concluding with a Strawberry Smash Creme application.

As Hadley nibbled on her brownie pops with ganache and fresh berries from ELWAY’S Downtown, the hotel’s signature steak house, she declared it a memorable birthday surprise.

The Spa at The Ritz-Carlton sure does a warm welcome to womanhood.

House Stress and Sacred Things

We’re still here. The house still isn’t sold but hope is not lost–we had a second showing today. How do we know that? Our scheduling service called as we were driving home from Stake Conference to tell us we had a showing in a half hour. What? We raced home and did a hack job on picking up the house. Thankfully it was still in good shape from a deeper cleaning we did yesterday but then the couple showed up 15 minutes early and rang the doorbell when they saw our car still in the driveway. We told them we needed a bit more time and they patiently waited on the porch and on the way out mentioned this was their second visit.

And then the scheduling service called us to follow-up and mentioned when the realtor opened the blinds in our bedroom, they fell down and she couldn’t get them back up. Somebody shoot me now.

We’re more than a month into selling the house in an insane, inflated Denver market where people are getting multiple offers within a day of listing their homes. Our main issue has been our neighbor’s lot behind us, which he kindly cleaned up about 10 days ago and it has made a world of difference. The only problem is we’ve had minimal showings since then and it’s painful because our yard is in bloom and looks gorgeous.

After several weeks of spiritual confirmations where we would open our scriptures to receive an outpouring of love and answers, this week has been full of frustration and walls. What are we doing wrong? Are we going on the right direction with this? We already dropped our price but should we doing more? 

We received our monthly copy of The Ensign and I turned immediately to the story Vienna Jaques: Woman of Faith and thought, boy do I need a spiritual boost and to read about a faithful woman.

Vienna Jaques had been in her new home in Jackson County, Missouri, USA, for only six weeks when violence erupted on July 20, 1833. Local residents had demanded that the Latter-day Saints leave the county, but Church leaders demurred to accept. Mobs in the area then attacked Church members and their property.

On that day, 46-year-old Vienna saw the mob tar and feather Edward Partridge, the bishop in Missouri, and Charles Allen. Meanwhile, others demolished the Church’s print shop and threw the printing press and papers out the window, including unbound and incomplete copies of the Book of Commandments. After the attack, Vienna knelt in the dirt road alone, furiously collecting scattered pages of the Book of Commandments. A mobber came over and hovered menacingly over her, declaring, “Madam, this is only a prelude to what you have to suffer.”

I chuckled and closed the magazine. This was my answer? I can guarantee you that was not what I needed to read.  A few days later I went back to read the rest of the article (life did suck for a while but got much better). Turns out, God has a sense of humor.

We fasted today and Stake Conference was full of spiritual feasting that I needed. This evening, we went for one of my favorite walks along the Clear Creek Trail in Golden. We fed the chickens at the Clear Creek History Park. We marveled at the idiots floating down the swollen waters on an inflatable mattress. We threw rocks in the river. We discovered a secret trail away from the crowds

I left feeling refreshed and grateful. This whole process of uprooting a life we love for reasons beyond me has been such a roller-coaster ride and test of faith. I really wouldn’t want to do this alone. Without that comfort. Scriptures. Prayer. Reverence. Guidance. I read a quote today by D. Todd Christofferson that really hit home.

If one does not appreciate holy things, he will lose them. Absent a feeling of reverence, he will grow increasingly casual in attitude and lax in conduct. He will drift from the moorings that his covenants with God could provide. His feeling of accountability to God will diminish and then be forgotten. Thereafter, he will care only about his own comfort and satisfying his uncontrolled appetites. Finally, he will come to despise sacred things, even God, and then he will despise himself.

With a sense of the sacred, one grows in understanding and truth. The Holy Spirit becomes his frequent and then constant companion. More and more he will stand in holy places and be entrusted with holy things. Just the opposite of cynicism and despair, his end is eternal life.

A sense of the sacred cannot really be passed from one person to another. It must grow from within. Think about things in a contemplative way; then the Spirit may work in you so that you will not need anyone to tell you what is sacred or how to respond—you will feel it for yourself. It will be part of your nature; indeed, much of it already is.

Stand in Holy Places. Now, that is the answer I needed.

The Sonic Guys

I’m not sure when the tradition started but Jamie has been going to lunch with our neighbor Darrin for a number of years when I’m sure the deep mysteries of the kingdom are discussed.

One day as they were leaving, our neighbor Angella observed “do you know who you remind me of? The two goofy guys in the car in the Sonic commercials.”

And so what did those goofy guys do? They went to Sonic for lunch this week.

  And judging by Sonic’s blooper reel, Angella pretty much nailed her observation.

The Killing Fields: Sibling Version

This post is in honor of my lovely children who get along pretty well the majority of the time.

And when they do have altercations, they’re rarely physical and mostly verbal with the occasional threat.

Except for when they’re at our ward’s Summer Olympic Games when a mom friend told me they were full-on beating up each other on the grass, complete with hair-pulling and pushing.

Next time, the story will be they are in training for Greek Wrestling.

A Few Weeks (from Hell) in the Life of Fat Kitty

An Open Letter from Fat Kitty Voicing His Displeasure About Getting Booted During Our House’s Multiple Showings

One day I was snuggling up to my human friends. It was snowy and cold when Human Mother told Human Sister to take me across the street to Grandma Jean’s house.

I don’t like field trips. The only time I like to leave is when I sneak away and I never go far.

The Human Family left me with this stranger with only my blanket and food.

Grandma Jean has two cats. They cornered and sniffed me.

I do not like to be sniffed. Warning: Do not go anywhere near my butt.

I hid under Grandma Jean’s bed for the entire two hours.

When Human Mother and Father came to get me, I would not move for The Betrayers. Betrayer #1 took the broom and poked me until I came out.

That was Day From Hell #1.

The next Day From Hell was even worse because hell was moving.

I think it was called a car and I was in it.

The humans took me to their friend’s fancy house to lock me in their laundry room while they were out of town.

They had a key and the security code but not the instructions how to do it.

The security alarm sounded.

I freaked out and kindly requested to go back to Grandma Jean’s with the butt-sniffing cats.

The cops came.

Human Father held up his arms in the air, holding the key as evidence they were not burglars

The police did not understand my distress signal I sent revealing they are, in actuality, cat burglars.

We drove home and I went to another neighbor’s where I’ve spent lots of time the last few weeks.

I sit on the stairs glaring at the door until my humans come get me.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SELL YOUR HOUSE AND STOP REHOMING YOUR CAT.

The End.

Love,

Fat Kitty

Happy 12th Birthday, Hadley!

Dear Hadley,

Turning 12 is a big year! You will be leaving Primary (the children’s organization at church) and joining the ranks of Young Women as you start start middle school in a completely new state. This isn’t for the faint of heart but if you’ve shown me anything during sixth grade, it’s that you will prevail. Following your hellacious year of minimal learning at your previous school, you have risen to the challenge with your awesomely supportive teacher, Mrs. McLean. You started in the lowest reading group and rose to the highest, something your teacher says has never seen happen.

During our latest parent-teacher, I wish I could have recorded her glowing report of your fun personality, your growth in learning the computer, becoming a beautiful writer, improving your spelling and how you’ve become a sponge for learning. She pulled you aside to tell you that you are the most improved in writing and reading in the class and maybe even your whole grade.  Sure, you’ll always struggle in certain areas (MATH) but my gosh, you’ve proven when you set your mind to something, you can do it! You’re fun, well-liked but not caught up in the girl drama at school so here’s for hoping you stay far, far away from that.

Sixth grade was the year of climbing and conquering mountains–and I’m not just talking about  Mount Sherman, your first 14er last summer. You have the most wonderful friends while making new ones along the way. Last summer, you thrived at Camp Chief Ouray, learned to surf at the lakehouse in B.C., skied your first double-black diamond run at Sunlight Mountain Resort and had the time of your life at Outdoor Lab Windy Peak for a week with your class. You were nominated by your teachers to attend High Achieving Week for the arts at Mount Evans Outdoor Lab in June and you are thrilled to share that incredible experience with two of your besties, Alex and Ellie.

Falconry

Our obsession with The Broadmoor continues and you fell in love with Falconry as well as conquered their zipline course at Seven Falls while channeling your inner Merida in archery.  We are thrilled to be able to spend Memorial Day there and I’m sure you will out-eat us all at their famous brunch. You are a girl of many talents and carb-stuffing without gaining weight is one of yours (embrace that gift while you have it).

I’m so proud you finished your Faith in God award in Primary and will attend not one but two Young Women Girl’s Camps this summer: One in Colorado and the other in our new ward.  Though you were sad when we told you about our move to Midway, you have fully embraced this new adventure and are designing your new room. During our visit to Midway over Spring Break, you were fortunate to be able to meet the girls during a YW sleepover and fit right in. You were hopeful our move meant you could finally quit piano (nice job on your first duet with your brother) so I had a good laugh when, upon meeting our new neighbor, we learned she would be delighted to teach piano. You call that being cursed. I call that serendipity!

You continue to grow in the arts and you can make anything beautiful. You love painting with acrylic paints on canvas and your new hobby is an expensive one. Fortunately now that you’re 12 you can start babysitting, an occupation not exactly endearing to you because, like me, you’re “not exactly a baby person.” But don’t worry–there are plenty of babysitting opps without babies and I have no doubt once you get paid for the first time, you’ll never look back. And neither will your painting obsession.

Today is the last day of school and you are delighted to spend the morning in the park with your sixth grade friends playing games and signing yearbooks. This afternoon, we will have a Gallery on the Go painting party and your main gift that you requested is a pair of UGGS. And by main, I mean only. Have you seen the cost of those things?

I’m more of an “experience” giver vs. material possessions so as a special birthday experience, I pulled you out of school early last week to go to the Ritz-Carlton Denver where you were delighted to indulge in your first ever spa day, complete with a facial, mani and pedi. I had to stifle my laughter during your facial because you take after your dad who relishes every blissful moment when he gets a massage. When I asked what you thought of your first facial as you still relaxed on the massage table, you groggily announced, “I feel heavy.” I replied, “Heavy? Do you mean from all the blankets?” “No, Mom. Heavy like gravity is pulling me down telling me not to move ever again.” My apologies to your future husband that your spa obsession started at such an early age.

First 14er!

We’ve had plenty of amazing adventures this year: Previewing “Season of the Force” at Disneyland, doing the Kids Adventure Games where you were a mountain biking, rappelling, ziplining, slip ‘n sliding fool, countless hikes and awesome local roadtrips. Though you resist going on our regular hikes and walks (it’s a tween thing?) you are the one who gets lost in the wonder of it all the moment you set foot on the trail.  I hope you’ll always love the outdoors and know that your Heavenly Father loves you and that with His help, you can accomplish anything.

In sixth grade, every child is spotlighted during a week of the year. As a part of that, parents are given the option to write a letter to be read aloud in class, the prospect of which mortified you but further solidified my resolve to do it.

March 17, 2016

Dear Hadley,

Despite the fact that you threatened me if I dared submit a letter in honor of your shining star, here I am because I am a risk taker.

Sixth grade has been wonderful as you transferred back to Vanderhoof, had the best teacher ever (wink, wink) and made some awesome friends. I’ve admired your hard work in so many areas–from getting caught up on your schoolwork to climbing your first 14,000-foot peak to skiing your first double-black diamond run to finally landing a front flip on the trampoline (this is such a relief after we’ve all endured many years of your sorry-excuse-for-a-somersault).

As you know, I have been writing you a letter on every birthday since you were born. Now that you’re in sixth grade, I thought I’d highlight a few of my favorite moments from your earlier years that I documented in those letters.

Pre-birth. You have been controlling us from the womb. It was 10 days before my due date and Dad was stressed about work. He told you “Hadley, if you’re born tomorrow, I will buy you a car on your 16th birthday.” The next morning, I went into early labor, you made my water break in very public Booth No. 3 at Einstein Bros. Bagels at noon (thanks for that) and you were born that night by 11 p.m.

Age 2. You were a child prodigy when it came to dancing and singing at story-time at the library. Your favorites included “Shake Your Sillies Out” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” the latter of which you knew by heart. The younger children watched you in awe and just to be nice, you often went over and forcibly “helped” them do the actions. Because they were obviously too dumb to figure it out for themselves.

Age 4. You have a bright, spirited personality and keep us laughing every single day. You are beloved by your preschool teachers and would have had an incident-free year if you had not tackled your classmate Cooper a few weeks ago, who in your defense, hit you over the head with a large loaf of plastic bread. This was your first look at how carbs can be dangerous.

9News Segment

Age 6. One of my very favorite memories of you ever was on our mother-daughter trip to Puerto Rico. In the evenings at our hotel, you loved to hit the dance floor. You’ve inherited my lack of rhythm but that did not hold you back. Hair and arms flailing, you rocked out to the music, causing everyone around you to stop and marvel.

Another mom on the trip tried to urge her reluctant daughter to join you. “But I can never look as good as Hadley out there!” she protested. I looked at her incredulously. She obviously wasn’t really seeing you.

Or was she?

Through her eyes, you were a self-confident, hilarious and fearless girl who didn’t care what you looked like or what anyone thought of you. You were simply lost in the moment and living it to the very fullest you knew how. This quality is what makes you special…and unstoppable. Whether you someday conquer Everest or if you’re dancing by yourself, one thing is certain: you will always fly.

Love,
Muzz Buzz Buzzy Buzz Buzzy Buzz Boo

P.S. For a stroll down memory lane, read letters for your 11th birthday10th, 9th 8th7th6th5th4th3rd2nd and your birth story.

Summiting strenuous Ha Ling

Kids Adventure Games

Camping at Brainard Lake

Halloween Party

Maxwell Falls hike

Lake Louise, Canada

Waterton Lakes National Park

Disneyland

First place!

12th Birthday Spa Day at the Ritz

Life Lessons from my Mountain Bike

The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful [not] selling our house with delays on the permit to build our new one (while feeling frustratingly in limbo), my Mom’s rapidly declining health, financial worries, graduation parties (for dear friends’ kids Jordan, Aidan, Erin and Whitney), Hadley’s Sixth Grade Continuation, her YW New Beginnings and birthday bash, a going-away party, helping at a wedding reception and so much more.

Yesterday, I just needed to get away so I grabbed my bike and, despite foreboding skies, headed up to Boulder. When I arrived at my trailhead, I thought I was going to blow a gasket when I saw the parking area now requires a $5 fee. Welcome to Boulder: the land of incredible vistas, pot-smokers, liberals and where you pay to play. I debated turning around right then but reminded myself YOU NEED THIS so sucked it up.

During that 1.5-hour ride along the Dowdy Draw Trail and Community Ditch network, my mind and attitude started to shift.

Life Lessons on My Ride

1) It’s OK to dismount and hike the technical sections, even when there are others around you who are smoothly navigating them.

2) When the rain comes, it doesn’t always pour so hold off on seeking shelter. Sometimes patience is the answer. This, too shall pass.

3) A difference in perspective makes all the difference. As does reading this inspiring/sobering story  Please Let Me Have Him One More Day in the parking lot after my ride.

 In desperation, I said a silent prayer. I pled with my Father in Heaven to help me feel comfort and find peace. Then, right at that moment everything in my mind went quiet. The chaos in my head subsided as I clearly heard the reminder that the Lord has blessed us with everything in our lives… EVERYTHING, including those special chubby-cheeked linebacker sized babies! All that he asks in return is that we be willing to sacrifice whatever he may ask of us. Are we willing to sacrifice to follow His will for us?… I felt as if the Savior was sitting right beside me. Not as a friend and colleague, but as a much wiser and older brother who knows much more than I. He was offering to help me through this. He was not going to force me to believe and become One with His plan, but instead he was offering it to me. Offering me the choice to join in his embrace and completely turn my life over to him, including whatever obstacles I might face … or I could try to do it on my own.

4) The light will come. As I slowly climbed up the Greenbelt Plateau back to my car, the clouds parted and I was rewarded with green velvet, a profusion of wildflowers and sunshine gold.