What you won’t ever hear those La Leche League Pro-Nursing Nazis Say

I fully acknowledge the wonders of nursing. Those darn lactoferrins and lipases in “Mama’s Manna” far outweigh anything those manufactured formulas can offer.

But guess what? I hated nursing. Maybe if I had a baby who actually latched on and didn’t constantly leave my mammaries ready to explode like a ticking time bomb because she just didn’t like ‘em. Or if I didn’t spend the first months of Hadley’s life hooked up to torturous devices that are intended to pump out every ounce of milk [and dignity] you have left. This, after spending hours in excruciating pain with your legs in stirrups with Your World on display as complete strangers shout “PUSH!” Yes, welcome to the Joys of Motherhood.

It’s not that I didn’t try to nurse for four of the longest months of my life before Hadley went on her booby strike forever. I met with numerous “lactation specialists” during that time and Haddie’s stubbornness far outweighed their expertise. Lactation specialists. I didn’t even know such a job existed. I think Jamie is ticked he didn’t know there was an occupation that specialized in mammaries otherwise he never would have pursued a career in the unfulfilling Internet.

Despite all the hardships I endured as a hormonal milker, I shall once again attempt to nurse Junior because of the overwhelming health benefits. And because there’s no way I can reclaim my “Mother of the Year” award if I don’t. I’d be willing to bet if you read the bios of past winners, they boast such statistics as “Breastfed Junior until his 4th birthday and he has never been sick a day in his life from all the antibodies received.”

Jamie has consoled me that “his boy” won’t give me any problems with nursing. “He’s a BOOB MAN, I’m SURE of it!” he has proudly proclaimed. That is, until the other day. Until he watched a rather enlightening program on the Discovery Health Channel.

J: “Yeah, they had a special on last night that focused on babies.”
A: “Cool! What did they say?”
J: “That studies show nursing actually reduces your libido.”
A: “Hmmm…interesting.”
J: [Jokingly] “Yes, and this is why I have decided I am now completely against it.”
A: “Oh, really?”
J: “I’m just looking out for your self-interest, Honey.”

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