Beluga Whale Confessions

Call it my Beluga Whale rebellion but I’ve had a wild streak lately. It started last week when I lied to a cop. YES, a law enforcement officer who was only trying to protect the safety of his public. In my defense, I was flowing along with the line of traffic in that construction zone and why should I be the one who was pulled over? And that lie about wearing my seatbelt (when I wear it 99% of the time, I SWEAR) was so not premeditated. In fact, I was shocked when it popped out. I am just grateful Hadley was looking particularly fetching that day and I must have been looking particularly bloated because he let me off without so much of a warning. Good thing, too because spouting tears would’ve been my next Beluga strategy.

This week, my rebellion involved “accidentally” walking out of the doctor’s office with one of their magazines. In my defence, it was a very good magazine about being a better mom, which will subsequently make Hadley a more productive member of society. One who hopefully does not lie to law-enforcement officers. As if I don’t have enough hindering my sleep these days, like I need THAT on my conscience. So yes, I will return the magazine as a part of my repentance process.

But it is my final confessional that I’m not very proud of. If you have a weak or queasy stomach or are in denial that you perform bodily functions on a daily basis, then stop reading now. I, however, am in touch with my belching/snotty/gaseous self. And this is dealing with something I do AT A MINIMUM 100 times a day: blowing my nose. This is not an exaggeration. I have a Kleenex box in every room and have had two corrective surgeries on my narrow nasal passages (which obviously have not worked). Side note: much to my amusement, my sister-in-law ( just posted an entry yesterday regarding “The Family Nose.”

Anyhew, I was driving and welp, I just had to pick. Problem was I didn’t have a tissue nearby and needing to dispose of It, the obvious place was out the window. Unfortunately at the exact moment I flicked, a police car drove by, which mortified me. I have, however, tried to console myself that this was merely an act of civil disobedience but not an outright crime.

How do I know this? My roommate from my junior year at BYU told me so. She was up late studying with a friend at the library during Final’s Week when the guy at the adjacent table started picking hs nose…and flicking it. Repeatedly. Now, these weren’t just any boogers but projectile boogers. My roommate was so grossed out that she reported it to the librarian. Who in turn reported it to security. Who in turn reported it to The Higher Powers That Be.

And the official report? It was not a crime to flick boogers; in fact, this guy had every right. The only way they could stop him was if he started wiping them on the books and destroying private property.

Just in case you’ve ever wondered.

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