Humor | Life Elevated Mom

Ski Fever

December 8, 2009 by Amber

Bring on winter! Colorado has already received an unprecedented amount of snow and I went snowshoeing on Friday.

Well, “snowshoeing” is a bit of a misnomer. More like I carried my snowshoes to the top of Dinosaur Ridge to find deep powder, got lazy about putting them on and ended up just hiking through it.

But my snowshoes were present in the process, which still counts as snowshoeing, right?

I’m skiing Breckenridge today (and yes, skis will be firmly attached). Ski destinations this winter will include Park City Mountain Resort (where I am one of their official “Snowmamas“), Loveland, Aspen/Snowmass, Durango Mountain Resort and possibly Keystone.

After a long ski drought of pregnancies, childbirth and babies, this mama is back in the saddle.

Or rather, the chairlift!

Three-year-old Bode recently had his first taste of skiing at the Colorado Ski and Snowboard Expo. He will be learning to ski this winter and expectations are high. We named him after skiing legend Bode Miller as we watched the 2006 Torino Olympic Games and the little dude did not disappoint.

We’ll just have to remember to put skis on him, too.

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Flashback: I spotted the first Olympic cereal box the other day. It took me back to February 2006 when I was shopping with 2-year-old Hadley. As we passed the cereal aisle, she started yelling “Mommmmmmy, Mommmmmmy” whilst pointing.

Confused, I looked around until I spotted the focus of her attention. There, on the Frosted Flake box, was my smiling face.

OK, so maybe it was Lindsey Jacobellis’ but the resemblance was uncanny.

Haddie grabbed the box, yelled “Mommy” again and then her focus turned to Tony the Tiger. Still mesmerized, Haddie queried “Tigger?” as if to say, “How could you not tell me you knew Tigger?”

Just think how impressed the kid will be if I win my own Olympic bid and blog from the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games.

Note: Tigger not included.

Filed Under: Family travel, Humor, Olympics, outdoors

How a Preschooler Solved the World’s Relationship Problems

December 7, 2009 by Amber

My 3-year-old son Bode has the answer to every single person’s relationship drama.

Whenever someone (OK, mostly his sister Hadley) ticks him off, like clockwork Bode chimes in: “I don’t wike dat.”

Which, in Bode speak, loosely means “GET THE CRAP OUT OF MY FACE AND STOP BUGGING ME.”

I really didn’t think anything of it until my parent-teacher conference with his preschool teachers. They mentioned they have been instructing the children how to voice their discontent instead of just physically lashing out. They said Bode in particular is very good about telling people exactly what he is thinking.

Not surprising with a mother like me.

“I don’t like that” has become a staple of our everyday life. My children and I were recently in Canada for 12 days, during which time my husband Jamie had some difficulty getting along with our new kitty.

And remembering to feed him. Remy the Fat Cat came out of the whole experience a few pounds lighter.

The crux of the problem, however, is that Remy is a snuggler. Jamie does not like anyone touching him while he sleeps. And evidently my dear husband also doesn’t like getting jumped on in the middle of the night.

At least not by the cat. He has been begging me to do it for years.

Jamie told me one night he got so fed up with Remy that he wouldn’t allow him to sleep in the bedroom. When I told the kids this, you’d think I had told them Daddy had roasted the cat like a pig on a spit. Bode prayed for “Daddy to say sorry to Remy” and that night, Bode gave him a piece of his mind when they talked on the phone.

I heard Jamie defending himself, explaining that Remy wakes him up by jumping on him in the middle of the night. Bode thoughtfully listened and the tone of the conversation changed.

“Daddy?”
“Yes, Bode?”
“Just tell Remy: ‘I DON’T WIKE DAT.’”

Dr. Phil in the making.

Filed Under: Bode, Humor, Jamie

Blackmail Bliss

December 2, 2009 by Amber

Some people look worse as they grow older.

I would like to think I have improved with age.

**Photo courtesy of my father who obviously thinks the 80s were funny. As you can see, there is nothing humorous about them.

Filed Under: Family, Humor Tagged With: embarrassing

A Tale Between Two Cities

December 2, 2009 by Amber

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

My flight from Calgary to Denver, that is.

I don’t have a great relationship with air travel and why would I? I’ve had flights canceled, been stranded, had a bird hit the windshield of my flight, been detained in the Taliban room and thought I was going to die due to extreme turbulence.

These are not the makings of a loving relationship.

My flight to Calgary was about as smooth-sailing as it could have been flying solo with two young children. I remained cautiously optimistic about my return-flight.

When I arrived two hours early at the airport, I was thrilled to see only a couple of people checking in at United. I did the happy dance and leisurely filled out my Customs form before sauntering to the front of the line.

What I did not realize was one of those people in front of me actually represented the entire Austrian Men’s Ski Team who had been at the Alberta World Cup in Lake Louise. Thirty men proceeded to butt in front of us in line, overwhelming the lone employee.

That was the worst of times.

The best: have you ever seen the Austrian Men’s Ski ~~Hunks~~ Team? ‘Nuff said.

More European teams lined up behind us and this mere mortal waited patiently enjoying the views of the gods.

The kids grew increasingly fussy and another employee finally showed up. “Are there any other teams I can check in?”

That’s when this strawberry-blond mortal threw an Olympic-sized fit, demanding they first take care of the civilians and she obliged. However, the damage was done. The airport was flooded with athletes and Customs and security were extremely backed up. After grabbing a quick bite to eat, we barely made our flight. And who should be on it?

The Austrian Men’s Ski ~~Hunks~~ Team.

This is when it became the best of times again.

They filled our tiny commuter plane to capacity. Hadley was fortunate enough to sit next to one of them.

I kicked her out mid-flight to sit with Bode.

Because that’s what any good mother would do.

I chatted with them about their experience in Canada, how they were on their way to Beaver Creek and about Olympic dreams. The Austrians are ski royalty and many of these men are medal contenders.

My fingers are crossed I’ll be there in person to cheer them on, which I would be thrilled to do.

Just so long as they promise not to monopolize my airport again.

Filed Under: Canada, Humor, Olympics

Annual Crafting Extravaganza Causes Annual Ulcer

November 30, 2009 by Amber

Public voting has ended for my bid to blog at the 2010 Vancouver Games. Microsoft will take the top three finalists and make the ultimate decision in the next few weeks. I cannot thank you enough for the immeasurable amount of support and encouragement you have given me! Regardless of the outcome, I have been thrilled to be a part of it and am grateful so many of you have come along for the ride.

Which has been considerably more rewarding and less suicidal than that crazy skeleton.

Thanks again! And now, back to my regularly-scheduled post….

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It’s the time of year again that my husband Jamie dreads. That time when I become delusional and somehow forget that I cannot do crafts. That I have never been able to do crafts and I never will be able to do crafts.

Every fall, the female members of my church gather for Super Saturday (or Fabulous Friday) in an event that can only be described as Martha Stewart on Steroids.

This year, the classes included photography, dutch oven, bread making and fondue classes, Thanksgiving and Christmas crafts, 72-hour kits and general miscellaneous sessions perfectly constructed to send me over the edge.

With visions of grandeur, I signed up to make READ ON

Filed Under: Humor, Olympics

Little Bit of This

November 29, 2009 by Amber

We ran into Jamie’s work buddy who comped us some tickets for the Holiday Food & Gift Festival next door. We were tired, the car meter was running out and it was snowing.

Me: “Let’s just go check it out.”

Jamie: “Why?”

Me: “Because there are hundreds of samples there. It’s like Costco on Steroids.”

SOLD!

We came home with oodles of goodies but the best one this pumpkin lover bought? White chocolate pumpkin popcorn for my stocking.

Because sometimes Santa needs a bit of help.

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I am hereby going to call last week “The Week of the One-Liners.”

As Haddie and I were crossing the street, I told her to hold my hand.

“Why do we hold hands when crossing the street, Mommy?

Me: “So when we get hit we can go down together.”

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Hadley has recently fallen in love with bacon. So deep is her love that I think I’ll have to introduce her to the artery-clogging, holier-than-holy bacon taco my sister-in-law made last Christmas.

Much to Haddie’s chagrin, we rarely have bacon but I made baked potato soup and cooked up a batch last week.

Haddie: “Can we pulllease have bacon every day?”
Me: “No, it’s not healthy. We can only have it sometimes.”
Haddie (talking to the bacon): “Bacon, I’ll never forget you.”

She’s too young for me to break the news that neither will her thighs in a few years.

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

The Bonehead’s Version of The 12 Days of Christmas

November 24, 2009 by Amber

I am in Canada this week for American Thanksgiving.

I know. I’ve always been a bit confused.

Last week was a frenzy of voting and downright begging for people to vote for me. In fact, I’m still doing so because the public can vote here daily until Nov. 29. In case you missed my announcement, I am 1 of 5 semi-finalists to blog at the Olympics for Microsoft Office. I even launched a “Just One Tweet” Whrrl campaign to get Ellen Degeneres to tweet for me.

Because she has, like 3 million followers on Twitter juxtaposed against my 3.

Since returning to my childhood home in Calgary, my frenzied pace has slowed down to being fed three meals a day and having in-house babysitters thrilled to play with their grandchildren.

I may never leave.

My husband remained in Denver for work and I’m always a bit worried when traveling alone with the children (for the reason why see one of my many family travel disasters). Shockingly, everything went smoothly and the only mishap was when my hair got caught in the seat belt of my parent’s SUV. OK, this is an understatement. The shoulder belt completely devoured a large section of my curly mop right up to the crown of my head. My dad was one step away from having to give me a buzz cut to get it to release.

At least my head would have resembled a shiny tree ornament for the holidays

We will be here for 12 days, the longest we’ve been away from my husband Jamie. I wanted to do something above-and-beyond daily phone calls to let him know we were thinking of him.

And to remind him that the peace and quiet he’s enjoying during his throwback to bachelorhood really does suck.

I recruited my 5-year-old daughter and we made cards for every day we’d be gone and hid them all over the house. Hadley wanted to draw a map. I told her it would be easier to just do a master key detailing the location of his scavenger hunt and we’d call him every day with the clue.

Sound seamless? This is me we’re talking about.

In the beginning, everything went as planned. We drew, we hid and we wrote the master key. I was careful to place it in my purse so I would not forget it at home. That first morning in Canada, I went to call him with his first clue….

….and it was gone. Vanished from my purse. Some swarmy member of the Taliban likely swiped it when I was busy telling the grumpy Customs officials I was, in fact, their friend not foe.

Or more likely I am just always cursed.

I broke the news to Jamie and begged him not to tell Hadley I had screwed up our surprise. “We’ll just have a different kind of scavenger hunt,” I consoled him. “One where I try to recall where we hid all 12 of the cards!”

This, from the woman who finally remembered where she cached her husband’s Christmas present six months after the fact.

It’s going to be a long 12 days.

Filed Under: Canada, Humor, travel

Help me help Ellen DeGeneres help me get to the Olympics!!!

November 19, 2009 by Amber

Have you heard my news? I am ecstatic to be 1 of 5 semi-finalists in Microsoft Office’s Winter Games contest. I would be thrilled beyond measure to be an accredited blogger at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics because winter sports are my passion!

I grew up playing street hockey with my brothers in my Canadian hood. When we came “of age” to enroll in community hockey I lined up with all my boys, fully expecting to join the team. I was absolutely sure this was my first step to becoming an Olympian.

Until I was turned away and told to enroll in figure skating.

Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against being a figure skater.

Unless you have speed-skating thighs and a killer slap shot.

Now, a different Olympic dream is coming to fruition. I not only need your daily vote (here) but I am soliciting THE Ellen DeGeneres as well! Click the image below to view my “Just One Tweet” campaign.

I take that back. Maybe my figure skating legs don’t look too bad after all.

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Anyone ever had their water break at Einstein Bros. Bagels? I am over at Design Mom today talking all about it. Also, thanks to The Vacation Gals (one of my favorite travel sites for moms) for giving me an Olympic-sized shout-out. Thank you everyone for your support!

Filed Under: Canada, Humor, Olympics

Amazing News–Help Me Win My Own Olympic Bid!

November 17, 2009 by Amber

I am notoriously unlucky.

I once went to France for a wedding, got lost en route and missed the entire celebration. The only contest I have ever won was the infamous Fred Seymour Elementary School Cakewalk.

And even then, I knocked my biggest competition out of the way when no one was looking.

That is why the news I recently received came as an absolute shock to me: I have been chosen as 1 of 5 semi-finalists in Microsoft Office’s contest to blog at the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games.

(Please excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor).

I entered on a whim when I saw a tweet about the contest on Twitter. Of course, as a notoriously unlucky person, I never imagined I had a shot amidst the thousands of entries.

Now, I have a 1 in 5 chance.

My love affair with the Winter Olympics began when I was a wee lassie growing up in Calgary. The Olympics came to town in 1988 and we lived and breathed everything about it. Our physical education curriculum was modified to include Olympic sports such as luge lessons at Canada Olympic Park. My family attended a number of events and we partied it up at Olympic Plaza every night for the medals ceremony. As an aspiring journalist, I dreamed of someday covering the Olympics.

Fast-forward 14 years. I worked as an adventure-travel writer and freelanced at Metro Networks radio when the 2002 Games came to Salt Lake City. I was thrilled with the prospect of my dream finally coming to fruition.

Until I got assigned to cover traffic.

I made the best of it. When not reporting transportation terrors, I attended evening concerts and numerous events, including the Canada vs. Finland hockey quarterfinals. Canada went on to win the gold. I made Olympic history when I dove across my maple-leaf-clad neighbor for a five-second spot on the Jumbotron.

We all have our Olympic moments.

Now, I would love to have another! Microsoft Office is sending one lucky female blogger to cover the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Games and this Denver mom needs your help. Public voting will start here TODAY and continue through November 29 .

Because this former cakewalk con artist would be honored to legitimately have my cake.

And eat it too.

You can vote every day, once per day at https://www.officewintergames.com. Thank you!

Filed Under: Humor, Olympics

As bad as it gets

November 10, 2009 by Amber

Our church building is located on a large property with a beautiful grove of trees. People often hold wedding receptions there and church members are responsible for its maintenance. In the winter, we shovel. In the summer, we weed. And in the fall, we rake.

Leaves, in case you are not aware, are allegedly a great source of nutrients for some people’s pumpkin patches.

As we were leaving church on Sunday, the kids and I started walking to the car while Jamie made a beeline in the opposite direction. At first, I had no idea what he was doing.

And then I saw the bags of recently raked leaves in the garbage.

Me (beckoning across the parking lot): “Jamie, you are wearing your suit. Get out of that dumpster!!!!”

Friend Dawn who was walking by at the time: “Are things really that bad at home, Amber?”

Me: “You have no idea.”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins