Humor | Life Elevated Mom

Les Miserables, Denver Style

October 7, 2009 by Amber

So, we’re sick.

If I had a $1 for every time I started a blog post with that, I would be a wealthy woman. About four weeks ago, I had a cold for a few days. Jamie caught it from me and has battled it ever since.

The kicker was when he went to Oregon last weekend for (what else) a pumpkin weigh-off. The day he flew home, I cooked, I cleaned, I doted on his children. I was the ultimate 1950s housewife waiting to greet him wearing a frilly apron and with a feather duster in hand.

OK, more like a fleece pullover and iPhone. We ARE in 2009.

What did Jamie bring me?

Pneumonia.

Yes, my friends he has pneumonia. He went to the doctor yesterday and he paid the hospital a visit today to get some X-rays because his condition had worsened.

Here’s the great thing about working for yourself: unlimited days off when you’re sick.

Here’s the bad thing: you don’t get paid.

Not even 5 minutes after he left for the hospital, a reporter from Channel 4 who interviewed me last week called to see if I could do a last-minute interview about how the FTC’s new ruling impacts bloggers.

I had only a very surface knowledge of that 81-page ruling.

My house was a mess. Bode was poopy. After straightening everything and everyone up, I literally had 5 minutes to become an expert on it.

All I can say is good thing it wasn’t live TV. Editing is a beautiful thing.

Oh, and they did a teaser for my segment on a commercial break DURING OPRAH.

It may be the the closet I’ll ever come to her.

So, poor Jamie is currently passed out upstairs, Bode has a runny nose and Hadley and I are both battling sore throats.

At least it isn’t lice, right?

So, here’s my question: are you a suffer-in-silence type or do you need someone babying you the entire time? Jamie and I are a bit of both. We check to see if the other is alive and leave ’em alone to wallow in their misery!

Filed Under: Health, Humor, Jamie

The Wienermobile: The Ultimate Vehicle for Wacky Family Bonding

October 5, 2009 by Amber

I get to do a lot of cool things through my job such as the time my family got an all-access pass at Disneyland or when we got an exclusive tour of the National Museum of Natural History.

OK, so may we didn’t actually do these things but we recently experienced something equally as life-altering:

My family rode in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

My first encounter with this 27-foot-long hot dog on wheels was last summer when I rode “shotbun” at a blogging conference in Chicago. I stayed in touch with the publicists via Twitter and was delighted to hear it would be visiting a King Soopers near my house.

As an FYI, there are six Wienermobiles that travel the nation extolling the virtues of processed meat (and making middle-aged women’s dreams come true). At most events, the Wienermobile’s doors remain closed to prevent wear and tear but the PR reps told me if we arrived at the end of the shift, we could get a ride.

I recruited 5-year-old Hadley but she was initially a naysayer.

“How can we ride in a giant hot dog, Mommy?”

Screw Disneyland. The Wienermobile is where the impossible becomes a reality.

Hadley and I arrived on schedule and we were welcomed by Wiernermobile staffers Adam and Crystal. We transported Haddie’s booster seat, put on her “meatbelt,” looked up at the “bunroof” and were on our way.

“Where to?” Adam queried.
“Any chance we could drive by my house so my husband can see it? We live less than a mile away!”

He responded affirmatively and I immediately called Jamie. “YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THIS SO GET OUTSIDE NOWWWW.”

We arrived a few minutes later to father and son waiting on the curb in anticipation. They were delighted when Adam offered them a ride as well. As Jamie raced to get Bode’s car seat, I peeked around hoping for even one curious neighbor to witness my metamorphosis from geek to chic.

The street was abandoned.

In the end, it didn’t matter. We cruised around, “ketch(ing)up” on all the Wienermobile news. As corny as it was, it was one of the great bonding moments in our wacky family history and a reminder that sometimes the most valuable moments are not extravagant trips to Disneyland.

But rather simple ones we can truly “relish” together.

Filed Under: Bode, Family, Hadley, Humor, Jamie, travel

Feeding the Addiction

September 22, 2009 by Amber

When a loved one has an addiction, it is easy to get sucked into their world. Sure, you know it is unhealthy for them but you just can’t refuse because you love them.

These people are called ENABLERS.

My friend Lisa shall hereby be called “The Enabler.”

Sure, I kinda owe her after a minor indiscretion that involved giving her lice. But that is nothing compared to what she did today when she sent my dear husband spiralling deeper into the world of addiction.

You see, Lisa and her husband flip or rent oodles of houses. Their latest purchase was a foreclosed townhouse. When they checked it out for the first time, they discovered it was a veritable mari*j*uana treasure trove of growing equipment. She called the cops who cleaned out a lot of the actual goods but she was left with all the paraphernalia.

And then she remembered my giant-pumpkin-obsessed husband and his makeshift greenhouse. She called Jamie and he was over there faster than Linus in his quest for The Great Pumpkin. He sheepishly walked into the door with this:

And this.

Oh, and what would a makeshift greenhouse be without this?

He claims the wattage on the latter item is too great for growing pumpkins and he has threatened to swap it out for a smaller one on Craigslist. You know. That one website where people come to your home to buy the item.

“THE ONLY LORD THAT I ALLOW IN OUR HOUSE IS JESUS!!” I proclaimed.

Evidently, one Drug Lord’s bust is another Pumpkin Grower’s dream.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

How An Innocent Pep Rally Can Invokes Future Child Humilation

September 21, 2009 by Amber

Hadley will not graduate from high school until 2022.

This blatant reminder of my advancing age was reinforced at a pep rally held by our local high school cheerleaders. Kindergartners from six feeder elementary schools gathered to applaud the Wildcats and receive their very own Class of 2022 T-shirts to wear the next day as they walked our local harvest festival parade route.

Parents were encouraged to participate and, if they were pulling wagons, to decorate those as well.

It was then something very ugly was triggered. Something that I did not know even existed in the deep recesses of my mind. Some would call it school spirit. Others would call it obnoxious parents who go overboard.

You see, I was always highly competitive in sports but I wouldn’t say I had a lot of school spirit. Who could blame me? Our junior high mascot was a hippo. It’s tough to get psyched when someone calls you a barrel-shaped artiodactyl mammal.

The emergence of Said School Spirit came with a complication: READ ON

Filed Under: Colorado, Hadley, Humor

Picture help needed!

September 16, 2009 by Amber

Jamie bought me a new Sony Vaio laptop in April. Overall, it has been very functional and I enjoy it. But I have had one very big problem from Day 1: my pictures take forever to load.

OK, maybe forever is a bit of a hyperbole. Let’s just say a reallllllllllly long time. The equivalent of 2 days in Amber time.

In the beginning, it would take about 20 minutes to download a few pictures from my iPhone and digital camera. Then it turned to a couple of hours for a batch of 20 pictures.

I can’t do slideshows because each picture takes about 15 seconds to load. Rotating them? Forget it. At least another two minutes per picture.

I’ve been going out of my mind and need advice if any of you have ever had this problem and if so, how do I fix this? Does anyone have any tips on another photo management system I can use to download pictures to my network that is NOT Picasa (which I hate).

Each time I try to download pictures, I am hopeful *this* time will be different.

Some call it early-onset Alzheimers.

But when downloading my latest batch of 25 pictures, I had to throw in the towel when I received this message:

Consider this my official SOS.

Filed Under: Humor

Inquiring minds want to know: does the Tooth Fairy have a criminal record?

September 14, 2009 by Amber

Haddie lost her first tooth on Labor Day.

I’ll admit it: my initial thought was not about this fun milestone but rather, I was horrified to think her teeth were rotting out.

After recommitting myself to do a better job at brushing, I turned to more important matters: what to do about the Tooth Fairy.

I was a believer. Jamie was not. From the get-go, his parents told him the Tooth Fairy wasn’t real.

I’m sure they also boiled the Easter Bunny just like on Fatal Attraction and arrested jolly old men wearing a red suit for trespassing.

I’m in the camp where I think it’s fun to play along with these traditions. So much of my childhood magic centered around believing. Of course, it can get taken too far but pimping up a fairy that appears in the night to leave you money?

Sign me up.

Jamie agreed to play along with everything. We had a problem, though: there was no physical evidence of the missing tooth because she likely swallowed it. I posted a query to my Facebook friends about what to do and their responses were very helpful.

Before bedtime, I sat down with Hadley and we wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy explaining our situation. One of my FB friends suggested we also leave the Tooth Fairy a glass of water so she could sprinkle her magic fairy dust that was the same color as her dress.

I loved the idea.

We put Haddie to bed and I started scrounging around for some money. I firmly believe less is more when it comes to setting expectations so I did not want to leave more than $1. Problem is I only had a $10 bill and lots of change. I knew Haddie would deem the tooth fairy a cheapskate if I went the latter route so I went door-to-door begging for a dollar bill.

Funny thing is, none of my neighbors seemed too surprised to see me doing this.

Once Haddie was asleep, I slipped into her room, left a note from the tooth fairy and $1. As for the fairy dust, I had a stroke of brilliance. She is absolutely obsessed with the color yellow and I thought she would be THRILLED to think the tooth fairy wore a dress that very color.

The only thing I hadn’t anticipated is that it would look like the tooth fairy left her very own urine sample.

When Haddie found it in the morning, she naively sniffed it and said, “Yeah, it smells like water.”

Just don’t be surprised if you hear of any news reports about the Tooth Fairy being arrested for lewd conduct.

Do you let your children believe in the Tooth Fairy? If so, how much do you leave for each tooth?

P.S. Mile High Mamas, be sure to checkout my synopsis of the fantastic party I threw with Mom It Forward last week. It’s not every day your party-goers jump in the pool fully clothed!

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

Our Labor Day Weekend…

September 9, 2009 by Amber

…started with our annual pilgrimage to hike St. Mary’s Glacier.

It ended before we even began.

Upon arriving at the trailhead, the only parking that remained was along a steep ledge so I hopped out to guide Jamie in his parallel parking efforts. Hadley, assuming we had arrived, jumped out too.

While it was still moving.

She started shrieking. I raced over to her side of the car and found her arm caught in the door. I released it, only to realize that was the least of her problems: Jamie had stopped the car on her foot.

“DRIVE, RIGHT NOW! DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!!!!!!”

Rest assured, I am not a person you want to be around in a crisis situation.

Confused by my hysterics, Jamie paused, unsure what direction to go. Eventually, he just stepped on the gas and rolled off her poor little foot.

We grabbed little crippled Hadley and raced her to the back of our SUV. We removed her shoe and as we surveyed the damage, Bode (ever the supportive brother), came over and demanded, “I’m hungry. Feed me now.”

He will not be mistaken for the sensitive type.

Even though her foot was miraculously fine, we skipped the hike and hung out at nearby Silver Lake before heading down to play in Idaho Springs.

Dejected from our misadventures, I promised them we would go visit Grandma Jean’s kitties when we returned home. Our neighbor had somehow left the two people in the world her cats hate most (meaning: my children) in charge while she went away for the weekend.

They jubilantly raced across the street, I punched in the code Jean had given me to her garage door and entered.

Then the house alarm went off.

She hadn’t mentioned anything about a house alarm.

I didn’t stick around long enough to figure out how to turn it off. We hightailed it over to another neighbor’s house who came back and did it for us. We settled into kitty stalking mode and all was well in the world.

Until the cops showed up.

I’ll spare you the sordid details but they almost involved a preschooler and kindergartner doing hard time for catnapping (mug shots taken two years ago prior to our trip to Mexico. Oh, the foreshadowing.)

Oh yeah, and my dear husband who debated not vouching for us.

He was obviously still recovering from my near-nervous breakdown earlier that day.

I’ll stop there and won’t mention the freezer that was left open all night and how we woke up to all our nice, expensive meat oozing all over the floor, which then ~~inspired~~ possessed me to spend the entirety of my Labor Day cleaning out our garage.

Have I mentioned how glad I am the long weekend is over?

So, make me feel better. Tell me about all the horrible, awful things that happened to you over Labor Day weekend. Errr…. please?

Filed Under: Hadley, holidays, Humor, Jamie, travel

Bladdering On–Mass Destruction by Night

September 2, 2009 by Amber

Life before children used to be different in many ways. I don’t miss most of it but the one thing I miss: my glorious, impenetrable bladder.

My friend Dave nicknamed me “The Camel of the Pee World” on a backpacking trip in Yosemite due to my uncanny ability to hold it in…or just sweat it out. Probably a bit of both.

But then I had kids and a full night’s sleep? Those days are over. I now have to get up at least once in the night to go to the bathroom. Pregnancy also made me neurotic about it. “Did I go or just think I went? Maybe I should try again because I don’t want to wake up in an hour.”

Welcome to my neurosis. I did that 10 times per night whilst pregnant.

These days, I really have it down to a urinary science and practically sleepwalk to the bathroom, after which I can usually fall back asleep. Saturday night, I almost made it through the night but was awoken at 4 a.m. by my internal alarm clock. I dragged myself out of bed, went to the bathroom and washed my hands. Only this time I did something a little bit different: I turned on both the hot and cold water, opposed to just the cold like I usually do in the middle of the night.

Livin’ it up at 4 a.m.

I stumbled back to bed and fell asleep, only to be awoken at 6 a.m. by a crash and then Bode. Exhausted, I brought him into bed with me and I opted for another Girl Scout try at the potty before settling back in (again, the neurosis).

It was then that I noticed the floor was wet. Very hot and wet. Half-asleep, I waded through the water only to notice I had left the hot water running and it had filled up the sink, spilling over the counter and all over the floor. I turned it off, threw some towels on the floor and passed out in bed.

A couple of hours later, Hadley and Jamie burst into the bedroom. “What happened last night?” he demanded. “Oh, I left the hot water running for a couple of hours,” I slurred.

“Well, it leaked all the way downstairs into the kitchen’s light fixtures and it came crashing to the floor. There is now a big crack in our ceiling,” Jamie exclaimed.

So that was the big crash.

I raced downstairs and sure enough our kitchen looked like a warzone. I spent the morning cleaning everything up.

On the surface, I am obviously the one to blame for this. I left the water running, causing it to gush everywhere. But really, is it my fault? Six years ago I could go through the night without a bathroom break. I even backpacked all over Yosemite earning myself the coveted “Pee Camel” moniker.

I blame the children for this incident.

Without them, I would still be asleep.

I figure it’s only fair. Someday they will blame me for everything that has gone wrong in their lives, right?

So what do you “blame” your children for?

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie

Turning Up the Heat on Murphy’s Law

August 31, 2009 by Amber

This is one of the few summers I will not be returning to The Motherland a.k.a. Canada. It is no secret that I despise the heat. I blame my Canuckian roots and our glorious 70-degree summers. Anything over 85 degrees makes me combust and my body breaks out in a heat rash.

Having 10 pounds of hair doesn’t help, either.

To beat the heat, my family and I will be launching our own Tour de Colorado. For the next few months, we will be traveling all over the state and documenting the best family vacations. And our worst family moments. Here is a preview of what happened on our first Colorado “staycation” to Chautauqua in Boulder two weeks ago.

My Murphy’s Law life aside, many of our chosen destinations are in the mountains. Because high elevation = big cooldown for this overheated mama. I was recently complaining to my husband Jamie about a jump in temperature from the mid-60s to low-90s and how my body just couldn’t adjust.

“You see, Jamie. I need it to be like that frog in water.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, as the story goes: if you put a frog in boiling water, he simply jumps out because it is too hot. You should make it more gradual. You should put him in lukewarm water and gradually turn up the temperature.”

“Amber, that is not better for the frog. In the end, he dies.”

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Stay tuned on Tuesday for a sneak peak of my ultimate cooldown picks on my Tour de Colorado. And then follow my family this summer as we share the Good, Bad and the Ugly of family travel!

Note: This article was originally published at Mile High Mamas on June 8, 2009.

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, outdoors, Tour de Colorado, travel

Tour de Colorado: My Picks for Colorado’s Top Destinations for Families

August 29, 2009 by Amber

From the time my children were born, we have traveled either north or south of the border every summer. But our Canadian grandparents and Mexican senoritas will have to wait until next year. Like many people, we’re watching our dollars so our foreign travels have been temporarily disbanded.

Not one to sit around licking my [non-travel-induced] wounds, I came up with a brilliant plan to visit many of the world-class destinations in our backyard. After some intensive research, I drafted up an itinerary for my family’s own Tour de Colorado this summer and we will visit the following: Colorado’s Best-kept Secret, Best Splurge, Best Mountain Festival, Best Mountain Community, Best Dude Ranch, Best Camping and Best Front-range Destination.

The best news of all? We are taking you along for the ride.

Well, not literally. You’d likely take up too much room and eat my favorite road-trip snacks.

Stay tuned for my [often] fun, [sometimes] painful, but [always] entertaining accounts of Colorado’s best staycations beginning next week. And now, a preview of our Tour de Colorado:

BEST-KEPT SECRET: Chautauqua in Boulder

One might wonder how Boulder, an outdoorsy city just 25 miles from Denver, could hold any secrets. But I stumbled upon one when I hiked Chautauqua’s Enchanted-Mesa Trail with some friends. It was then that my love affair with Chautauqua’s 48 miles of verdant trails began.

This National Historic Landmark nestled against the Flatiron Mountains is one of Colorado’s true hidden gems. It’s an area heaped in history and very few locals know about the historic and affordable cottages for rent. The Dining Hall boasts some of the best outdoor dining in Colorado with epic mountain views. Don’t miss the silent films, concerts and children’s programs at the Auditorium that will delight old and young.

Visit the Boulder Farmer’s Market on Saturdays—a veritable cornucopia of organic food, live music, eccentricities and fun. Then take a stroll along the Boulder Creek Trail and also take a foray over to famed pedestrian mall Pearl Street Mall to shop, eat, play in the spray fountain and watch the street performers.

BEST SPLURGE: The Broadmoor in Colorado Springs

Where do you take The Mother Who Has Seen Everything? The Broadmoor’s new cottages, of course! Guaranteed, these gorgeous 1- to 8-bedroom cottages are welcome additions to The Broadmoor’s already lofty 5-star pedigree and are the ultimate Colorado destination for the extended family. My parents are making a special trip from Canada for the occasion and guaranteed, these cottages will impress even my beloved high-maintenance mother.

The Broadmoor is located on 3,000 lush acres under the shadow of Cheyenne Mountain and offers two swimming pools an award-winning spa, fitness center, three outdoor hot tubs, one lap pool, 54 holes of championship golf, six tennis courts, children’s programs and an exceptional Sunday brunch.

Located 70 miles south of Denver, Colorado Springs has some of the state’s best activities for families. Take a tour through Cave of the Winds, pay Santa a visit at the North Pole’s family-themed amusement park, chug to the top of 14,110-foot Pikes Peak on the world’s highest cog railroad, hike Seven Falls, eat a high-flying meal at The Airplane Restaurant and sample chocolates at the Patsy’s Candy tour, topped off by a genuine ho-down, dinner and stage show at Flying W Ranch.

BEST MOUNTAIN FESTIVALS: Crested Butte

This will be our first summer trip to Crested Butte after falling in love with the ski area a few years ago. Not only is this charming hamlet renowned for its world-class mountain biking but July rules supreme. Don’t miss their 4th of July revelries and The Crested Butte Music Festival July 4 – 26, which brings symphony, chamber and jazz music to the mountains. Want to know what it would have been like to have a Beer with Beethoven? Find out during one of the symphony orchestra’s most popular concerts. Best of all, this music festival also caters to kids with the Divine Family Young People’s Concerts.

Located 230 miles southwest of Denver, Crested Butte also offers a full slate of activities during their popular Wildflower Festival July 6-12 that includes horse-drawn wagon rides, guided hikes, yoga classes in mountain meadows, and photography classes.

While Mama and Papa hit the trail for a couple of hours, our daughter will be at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory’s Kid Nature Camps. Not to be overlooked is the new Adventure Park at Crested Butte Mountain Resort that has an outdoor synthetic ice rink (recycled from the American Museum of Natural History), a climbing wall and reverse bungee. The area also offers some great family hikes, while many enjoy the simple pleasure of watching the ducks at Peanut Lake.

BEST MOUNTAIN COMMUNITY: Steamboat Springs

During my only vacation to Steamboat Springs (located 170 miles northwest of Denver), I got lost hiking to the famed Rabbit Ears. This trip will be about redemption…and celebration with fabulous activities such as hiking Fish Creek Falls (allegedly easier to find than some silly bunny parts), soaking in Strawberry Park Hot Springs and soaring in the resort’s gondola with fabulous views of the Yampa Valley.

Be sure to check out the Gondola Square Adventure Zone, which features a 24-foot climbing wall, a “Mini Bounce” castle, a 2-person Gyro chair, a ropes course and a mechanical bull. Not to be forgotten is the Howler Alpine Slide that will be sure to make you, well, howl. And Steamboat’s free summer concert series at the Rusted Root is all about hooting…and hollering!

Oh, and did I mention tubing down the Yampa River and all of Routt National Forest’s wildflower-dotted trails just waiting to be explored? Redemption, here I come.

BEST DUDE RANCH: Devil’s Thumb Ranch

Maybe “Dude Ranch” is an unrefined description for this rustically upscale resort and spa located on 5,000 acres at the foot of the Continental Divide, just 75 miles from Denver. One of the greatest things about Devil’s Thumb Ranch is it caters to cowboys of all ages, not to mention their mamas who like a bit of pampering on the side.

Why it’s my choice for Best Dude Ranch: swimming in a heated outdoor pool and outdoor hot tub, the petting zoo at Cabin Creek Stables, wagon and feed rides, pony rides, hikes along easy-grade trails, nature/bird watching tours, a game room with no electronics, a candle pin bowling alley and a 37-seat movie theater for movies and sports viewing.

BEST CAMPING: YMCA of the Rockies

I love backpacking but my young children are not quite yet up to the task. That is why I looked for a camping destination that offered varied activities as well as some great services.

Enter: YMCA of the Rockies. With two locations—one at Estes Park (adjacent to Rocky Mountain National Park) and the other at Snow Mountain Ranch (just minutes from famed resort Winter Park)—they are known for extremely affordable and fun family vacations. We have stayed in their rustic lodges and cabins before but for the first time, we will camp on their grounds with a group of friends.

YMCA of the Rockies’ activities are varied and include hiking, biking, fishing, camps, mini-golf, volleyball, tennis, crafts, scavenger hunts, canoeing, family programs, picnics, a high-ropes course and archery.

BEST FRONT-RANGE DESTINATION: Beaver Creek

With the tagline “Not exactly roughing it,” Beaver Creek is synonymous with luxury and recently received the National Ski Areas Association’s Best Overall Guest Service Award for the fourth consecutive year. We will get a taste of this during our stay at a gorgeous Beaver Creek Resort Properties condo.

But the budget-conscious need not be scared off because in addition to the notorious pampering you receive, there are plenty of fabulous deals. Beaver Creek offers free daily nature walks for the family and Beaver Creek Hiking Center’s Hike-ology program, which invites kids to play at the Big Dig (an archeological dig site at Spruce Saddler). Don’t forget the free Children’s Museum, free children’s theatrical performances in the village and recreational-Mecca Nottingham Park in Avon has free outdoor movies for the family once a week.

Another fantastic freebie is Fridays at the Park Hyatt with music, activities and gondola rides for the whole family, not to mention a gourmet s’moregasbord at the open fire pit.

If this is “not exactly roughing it,” count me in.

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Our Tour de Colorado will stop there. Overwhelmed by all of Colorado’s bounties? I’ll let you in on a secret: Vail Resorts has put together “Epic Summer,” an all-inclusive package with some of the best Colorado has to offer. Scenic gondola rides at Keystone and Vail. Whitewater rafting in the Rockies. Horseback riding in Beaver Creek. Panning for gold in Breckenridge.

There are four-day/three-night and seven-day/six-night packages available. All accommodations, transportation and meals are included with a mix of picnics, cowboy dinners, restaurants and BBQs. The best part is you will have a personal guide so don’t need to plan a thing.

Well, except to have a fabulous time in Colorado.

Note: This post originally ran at Mile High Mamason June 9, 2009.

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, outdoors, Tour de Colorado, travel