Humor | Life Elevated Mom

The Lighter Side of this Canuck’s Deportation (or not)

October 13, 2008 by Amber

In honor of Canadian Thanksgiving today, I feel compelled to divulge that I am on the precipice of a life-altering decision: to be or not to be. American, that is.

I was born Canadian and always resolved to die Canadian. Until I married an American and gave birth to two half-breeds. My permanent residency expires early next year and some major decisions need to be made. Namely: do I forsake The Motherland and all that is holy?

Or at least that which is really, really cold.

I love this country and will likely live here the rest of my life. As a wee Calgarian lassie, we learned about ~~The Evil Empire~~ the United States in elementary school. One lesson was on Denver. A fellow classmate asked the teacher about our great city and she explained “Denver is kind of like the Calgary of the United States.”

I resolved then and there I would live in Denver someday. Prophetic little Canuck, wasn’t I?

So, the question remains:

do I renew? Or do I convert?

Admittedly, after the mudslinging-that-has-been-this-election-season, the novelty of becoming politically active has worn off. And somehow, I don’t think participating on CBS’s The Amazing Race (where an American passport is required) is a very worthy reason.

Though make no mistake: I would have kicked some serious butt. Or at least been very entertaining as I landed on mine.

What it really comes down to I just can’t forsake my roots even though this ol’ trunk is planted firmly on American soil. Nor do I want to face the humiliation of flunking the citizenship exam. (You are, after all, talking to the woman who argued in college that Abraham Lincoln was indeed a founding father.)

During a recent trip to Boston, my loving, supportive and utterly devoted husband and I talked about my options, during which time he offered this:

“Amber, if you are deported… [choose the correct answer]

1) I’ll cry myself to sleep every night.
2) I will make out with The Great Pumpkin while you are gone.
3) I will not be able to survive one moment without you.
4) You WILL take the children with you back to Canada.”

You don’t want to know the real answer.

Filed Under: Canada, Humor

Mr. Lord of the Gourds Visits the Super Bowl of Pumpkin Weigh-offs

October 7, 2008 by Amber

I love Boston.

If I could transport the Rocky Mountains to Massachusetts, I would move there tomorrow. Well, except that I cannot spell M-A-S-S-A-C-H-U- S-E-T-T-S without the help of spell-check.

Jamie and I just returned from Boston and everything about the area resonated with me: the ocean, the rocky crags, the explosion of trees, the locals who can’t say their Rs…all of it was so endearing and I wonder why it has taken me this long to visit.

My new obsession is vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket or Cape Code. If you have a vacation home on any of those islands, I will gladly take it off your hands for a week this summer.

Because I am generous like that.

For those just tuning in, I gave Jamie a trip to the Topsfield Fair for Father’s Day. This community outside of Boston hosts the oldest agricultural fair in the country (190 years old) and if you need a description, just think the Super Bowl.

But with really big, orange balls.

I could make fun of them all but do you know what? I got a kick out of the whole event. These people have giant pumpkin growing down to a science and watching Jamie meet his Pumpkin Idols was akin to watching Hadley score her first goal in soccer.

Should it ever happen.

When we first walked into the arena, the weigh-off was already underway. Jamie has been in correspondence with many of the growers on Bigpumpkins.com, a forum where guys talk about [what else?] pumpkins and the women who love them. Or hate them. It depends on the day.

Jamie was looking for one man in particular and walked up to a group to seek him out. One guy turned around and recognition struck Jamie like a smashing pumpkin: it was his idol Joe Justras who holds the world record for his 1,689-pound pumpkin. Loving wife that I am, I insisted they pose for a picture together.

Though it saddens me this will probably replace the family portrait in our living room.

Jamie spent the rest of the morning watching the weigh-off and meeting various pumpkin growers. They come from all walks of life: farmers, dentists, manufacturing engineers, mortgage brokers, and even the Mafia. Yes, you heard correctly. One man who is allegedly “cut from the same cloth as the Sopranos” showed up with his pumpkin a half hour after the entry deadline.

Funny how they still let him compete.

I thought I had seen everything until I stumbled upon this couple:

They seemed legit but I have learned the biggest con artists are those you least expect. And finding scalpers at a giant pumpkin weigh-off is certainly not expected.

The world record will likely be bested next weekend by Steve Connolly, whom we met at Topsfield. Even though Jamie and I were casual observers, we were still deemed noteworthy and were interviewed for the local newspaper.

I expect The New York Times to contact us any day for the follow-up.

========================================================

Tune in next time as we journey to Salem, the land of the witches, and find out how we relived one of When Harry Met Sally’s more memorable moments.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, outdoors, pumpkins, travel

The Lord of the Gourd: A Q&A

October 2, 2008 by Amber

Thank you for your overwhelming support for The Great Pumpkin. So many questions, so much sympathy re: my neglected status. I have been asked what our real garden is like and my answer? What garden? Jamie says the reason our garden did not flourish is due to a pesky vole.

I say the reason was the inordinate about of time spent on The Great Pumpkin.

Jamie could not keep up with all the great comments about his 755-pound beast so, for the first time ever, The Great Lord of the Gourds is making his first verbatim appearance on my blog. Join me in welcoming him as he answers some of your questions! (And please excuse the spacing issues on this post; evidently The Great Pumpkin even defies HTML regulations).

1) So did massive amount of Miracle Gro go into this bad boy or what’s the secret?

This pumpkin was grown completely organic, including the small boy up the street that it ate three weeks ago.It was sad to see the boy go but the pumpkin put on 40 pounds that day. Many growers will use MiracleGro and the like to grow giant pumpkins but most of the heavy hitters go completely organic so they can build up the soil and plant on the same spot year after year.

2) What are your plans for The Great Pumpkin?

We are going to cut a hole into the top of it like a Kayak, put it in a lake and paddle around.It is plenty big and buoyant enough to use it as a boat for an adult. Editor’s note: Dear Lord, please do not let The Great Pumpkin sink. I cannot bear to see a grown man cry.

3) How much pumpkin pie will that thing make? And pumpkin bread, cake.

Mmmmm. Love the pumpkin bread. Unfortunately, Dill’s Giant Atlantic variety pumpkins aren’t very good eating I’m told. Editor’s note: thank heavens for this response. Gutting and cooking up that pumpkin would be akin to life as a hunter’s wife.

4) Wow. I’m trying to imagine how much watering/care/etc. a giant pumpkin takes. And yard space!

This pumpkin plant was 30 feet wide by 30 feet long.The pumpkin didn’t fill the entire space but it did take a full 600 square feet of space.Once the plant was completely grown (about 1.5 months old) it was given about 2.5 inches of water per week.I usually tended to the plant about 30-60 minutes per day although Amber would tell you it was about
3-6 hours per day. Editor’s note: And Amber would be correct.

5) When I picture this whole thing in my mind …I just have to laugh. The great pumpkin? The whole pumpkin hobby? The planning of vacations and weekends around what else? Pumpkins! Expound.

Some call it obsession, others passion.Let’s be honest however. How many of us have planned our day around a television show(s) or other fruitless endeavors. At least mine produced some fruit. Actually a whole lot of it! lol

6) I will have to consult with your husband next
year. LONG have I wanted to grow pumpkins, but all three times I’ve tried the vines have sort of melted. Overwatering? General gardening lameness?

Melted?Hmmmm.I would say go to Denver Pumpkins and read what I did.If you start from the very first post you can get a blow by blow of the entire pumpkin season.If that doesn ’t work I’d suggest selling your hoe and giving your shovel a rest. Editor’s note: I’ve been called a lot of things but hoe is probably the most offensive.

7) I’m assuming conversation is going to turn to the new crop, it’s not to early to start planning, is it? What are next year’s plans?

Next years plans are for more pumpkins and a new patch.This year I grew at my parent’s house.That freaked them out the first half of the growing season so I am now going to be growing in the farmer’s field behind my house. Something about yelling at my mom for not throwing her body over the pumpkin plant, like a soldier throwing himself on a grenade, during the 2^nd hail storm of the season didn’t sit very well with her (I think my parents actually started enjoying it as the season went on however because it is really kind of fun watching the monster grow).

I have already had a soil test done on the field and have started to purchase the proper amendments to make sure the soil is to world class levels next spring. In the coming weeks I will be adding 5 yards of manure and many pounds of organic fertilizers and minerals to the soil.Next year I will have 3 plants (one for the kids) which will allow me to push the pumpkins a little harder in the hopes of getting to 1,000 pounds. Editor’s note: Great. That means I have a one-week vacation before pumpkin season starts all over again.

8) This might be a stupid question, but when you cut open this giant pumpkin, are the seeds giant, or normal size seeds? Just curious. That’s a great family photo! Jamie doesn’t name the pumpkin does he?

Giant pumpkin seeds tend to be a little bigger than the regular pumpkin seeds. They usually have a harder shell too. This year’s pumpkin’s name is DillBoy. Howard Dill is the inventor of Dill’s Giant Atlantic pumpkin seeds that all of the top growers use for competition.He passed away in May due to cancer.The seed that I grew on actually came from Howard so I name the pumpkin DillBoy in honor of him. Editor’s note: it is sentimental talk like this that makes me worried the man will indeed bury me inside of a pumpkin. Lord, please don’t let me go
first.

9) My question for your interview with Linus (er, Jamie)…how lucky are you to have a wife who not only allows the growing of the Great Pumpkin…but also throws a party for said pumpkin?

I couldn ’t agree with you more.My good wife not only put up with the pumpkin growing, but early in the season surprised me for Father’s Day with a trip for the two of us toTopsfield, Salem and Boston so I could go to the granddaddy of big pumpkin weigh-offs in Topsfield, Massachusetts.

The pumpkin party was completely my idea however.She said more than once “Who is going to go to a pumpkin party? And what are people going to do at a pumpkin party?”My answer, “Stare at the pumpkin.”She just said “whatever” to my reply until it dawned on her that I had invited some of her friends to the party and they had actually accepted. Horror struck my Party Princess wife when she realized that I was serious!

In the end, when the party was all done and the 30-40 guests had all gone home with smiles on their faces that a giant pumpkin has a strange sort of power. We all grew up reading children’s books with abnormally sized objects (fruit, shoes, beanstalks, eggs, candy, vegetables).As a result we kind of think of the whole giant thing as kind of whimsical thing that is way outside of reality.When you see a giant pumpkin for the first time it so breaks the mold of our accepted reality that we have to stare at it in wonder. The typical question, “Is it real or is it fiberglass?” is understandable because the whole thing doesn’t make any sense.How could food be that big?It is like staring at a children’s story book come to life.But then you touch it and stare at it some more the whole thing slowly becomes wonderful because it is like a children’s story book come to life.What could be better than seven hundred pounds of wonderful food all in a single fruit!? Editor’s note: sniff. No comment. Maybe I am a sentimental pumpkin-lovin’ fool after all….

Filed Under: holidays, Humor, Jamie, pumpkins Tagged With: Halloween

The Mystery of The Great Pumpkin FINALLY Revealed!

September 29, 2008 by Amber

First things first. Congratulations to Tanya of Mike and Tanya’s Corner of the World! Not only did she just have baby #2 but she also won The Great Pumpkin Contest and was just 10 pounds off from guessing the weight!

Before I get ahead of myself, let’s start with our kooky open house for the inanimate object a.k.a. pumpkin on Friday.

Guess what? It turns out our friends were kooky enough to attend, bring pumpkin gifts and pose for pictures with The Great Pumpkin.

And the highlight of the event? The great ~~ribbon cutting~~ vine snipping, followed by hauling it to the trailer. And just how did they do it? Eight men + one pumpkin lifting tarp + a whole lot of muscle. And even more sore backs. (Tune in tomorrow for the glorious commentary + pictures).

Colorado’s largest pumpkins congregated at the Rocky Mountain Giant Vegetable Growers weigh-off on Saturday. And if you had ever asked me as a little girl if I would marry a man who would become conjoined with such an organization, I would have laughed until I was blue in the face.

Or orange.

And the results all [five] of you have been waiting for? The Great Pumpkin’s weight is 755 pounds and it won second place for the prettiest pumpkin. The state record was broken by Joe Scherber at a whopping 1,135 pounds!

Which technically means that The Great Pumpkin is not quite as great as Farmer Joe’s. Or more accurately, Dentist Joe’s.

Though it just doesn’t have the same ring.

Last week on Mile High Mamas, I ran a Get-My-husband-Off-My-Back-and-Guess-His-Pumpkin’s-Weight Contest. Congratulations to Pat. Her guess was the closest and she won four tickets to Elitch’s Fright Fest!

My daughter took third place in the children’s division and Jamie plans to help our son grow one as well next year.

And then it will all be over for me because I will officially be outnumbered.

Lest you think I am a killjoy, know that our entire summer has revolved around The Great Pumpkin. A few weeks ago, we had family in town and we were talking about [what else?] pumpkins when there was a lull in the conversation. I finally broke it.

“Has anyone wondered what we are going to talk about when pumpkin season is over?”

Jamie: “We will reminisce about The Great Pumpkin.”

For additional pictures and fun commentary on the competition and open house, go to my blog, Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck tomorrow. Or if you’re just tuning into this saga, checkout Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, pumpkins

Soccer Moms Unite as a Soccer Mom is Born!

September 22, 2008 by Amber

Last weekend, I became a soccer mom for the first time. I am in the camp that loves sports. I have always loved sports. And I have always wanted my children to love sports. That said, I do not believe children should be pushed into activities they do not want to do. I believe in giving them a choice.

Unless that choice does not involve soccer.

In all seriousness, I debated waiting to enroll Hadley in soccer. At 4, she has done a myriad of sports that include gymnastics (her face and the springboard often met their match), dance (she performed an unscripted solo at the recital) and murder ball (her little brother is often the target).

But soccer is a sport Hadley really wanted to try. Last Saturday was her first game and Jamie has been prepping her for weeks. His initial strategies centered around scoring and ball handling. But after a series of mishaps and subsequent tantrums, he instituted the No. 1 rule of soccer: “No crying.”

Someone should have told me that before we got completely massacred.

Haddie’s team was doomed from the start because 1) They played against a team who has been training together since birth and 2) Her team name is “The Butterflies.” There is absolutely no intimidation factor in a flittering insect whose lifespan is only a few days.

I will be campaigning to change it to “The Bruisers.”

I have always thought it is completely ridiculous that younger teams do not keep score. I reasoned how are you supposed to teach children about the dynamics of winning and losing in life if you don’t quantify it?

Until we lost. Big time.

After yet another goal by the other team, I groaned, “Oh no!” My friend Lisa leaned over and whispered, “At this age, you’re supposed to cheer when they score.” I countered, “Not after the 20th goal.”

It’s true. I read it somewhere in The Soccer Mom Handbook.

And how did my daughter do? Overall, she did pretty well and made some great plays. Her strategies were to 1) Yank on the other team’s jersey when she tried to get the ball and 2) Throw herself over Said Ball to prevent anyone else from getting it.

Because if she can’t take proper possession, no one can.

We were all becoming weary at the end of the game after the opposing team’s Beckham Jr. had yet another breakaway. I started to throw in the towel until a mom next to me jokingly shouted:

“Take her out at the knees.”

It was then I knew I had met my soccer mom soul mate….

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

Mental Health Day for this CRAZY Bloggin’ Canuck

September 4, 2008 by Amber

I took a Mental Health Day yesterday. In an ideal world, a person does not almost end up in the psych ward trying to plan their mental reprieve but that is what happened when Haddie’s playgroup almost fell though and then my bike’s tire went flat and no one had the correct-sized nozzle to pump it up.

Oh, and did I mention I am a single parent this week because Jamie is back East on business? Hence the reason for the Mental Health Day. It may come as a surprise to those who know what a social being I am but I looooove to be alone. But marriage + kids = alone no more.

Fortunately, everything came together at the last minute and I had seven blissful hours all to myself. And what did I do? Why, I’m glad you asked!

1) I went to Boulder, Colorado’s outdoorsy, green-living Mecca. Where residents are freakishly athletic and the dreg-locked CU students can pass as homeless people.

And where I finally conquered something on my dying-to-do list: I biked up (and up and up) Boulder Canyon and then cruised down along the Boulder Creek Trail.

It was a killer 2-hour ride and I thought I had put in a respectable effort until two GRANDMAS cruised past me.

Mind you, these are Boulder Grannies, which makes them superior among their blue-haired species.

2) After my ride, I showered. And shaved. These alone should warrant recognition of some kind.

3) I grabbed lunch and went to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Alone. Ever been to a movie alone? When I was single, I used to do it all the time. And I loooooove it because I don’t have anyone asking me questions or begging me to take them to the bathroom.

Other than those two annoyances, Jamie was certainly missed.

Though exhausting, I was thrilled with how much I was able to do. Not that we’re ever lackadaisical. When Haddie is in preschool, Bode and I always cram a lot into our three-hour window–from biking to hiking to going for walks.

One of the other mothers at preschool is amazed by this and last week, I relayed a conversation I had with her to Jamie:

“And then I asked her what she does while her kids are in school.”

“And what did she say?”

“She cleans. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Amber, I encourage you to pursue friendships with women who are great examples like this.”

So, here’s your question: you have seven hours to yourself. What do you do? Play? Shop? Sleep? Or [gulp] Clean? (Though if you answer affirmatively to the latter point, I don’t think we can be friends. 🙂 Let’s hear about your ideal Mental Health Day!

Filed Under: Colorado, Humor, outdoors

To Yellowstone…and Beyond!

August 14, 2008 by Amber

In honor of my Western movie lovin’ Grandpa Wilde, I shall dedicate this post about our vacation unto one of his favorite films: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The Good: Staying at our brother-in-law’s cabin in Island Park on the Snake River. Paddling the children to get huckleberry ice cream at Henry’s Fork Landing in our inflatable kayaks.

The Bad: The 7-mile hike to Fairy Falls in Yellowstone pushing the children in the Chariot (which performed marvelously as opposed to our Canadian travails). Then carrying the Chariot over the marsh. Then lugging the children…and the Chariot those final miles.

The Ugly: The revelation that your husband bears an unsettling resemblance to a buffalo in Jackson, WY.

The Good: Watching the kids marvel at Old Faithful, finding a hole-in-the-wall BBQ joint and a fantastic playmill theatre in West Yellowstone.

The Bad: Wandering around West Yellowstone searching for stye medicine.

The Ugly: Finishing Breaking Dawn, only to accuse Hunky Hubby of no longer giving me the kind of vampire love that Edward gives Bella. This spurred his amorous attack that resulted in a bloody and swollen lip. Evidently, human love bites.

The Good: Visiting one of my dearest friends, Jason in Rexburg and reminiscing about the good ol’ days. Chuckling at the fruits of his bachelorhood, which consisted of five dirt bikes in his garage.

The Bad: Hadley getting a scratch on her foot and becoming inconsolable for the rest of the visit.

The Ugly: Attempting to take this picture.

The Good: Hiking mind-numbingly beautiful Jenny Lake outside of Jackson. Without the Chariot but with Sherpa Uncle Chris.

The Bad: This conversation whilst driving through Island Park–

Jamie: Better keep your eye out for some Monopolies going across the road!
Me: Huh?
Jamie: That sign. It said “Game Crossing.”

The Ugly: Missing the pinnacle event of the whole trip while I was back at the cabin with napping Bode. My MIL Linda walked across the dock and she lost her balance. And then time was suspended as this woman–the very epitome of class and grace–landed face-first, spread eagle in the river. Her humiliation was rewarded by her insolent children who were on the ground in hysterics.

I only wish I had been there to show this great matriarch of our family the respect that she deserved.

You know. By taking pictures.

Filed Under: Family, Family travel, Humor, outdoors, travel

To Utah…and Beyond!

August 12, 2008 by Amber

I have officially overdosed on travel. Well, at least until the next trip (which fortunately for me is at least five days away).

Truth be told, I was tired of traveling after my back-to-back Canada and San Francisco fiascoes, only to have to hop in the car a week later and take a huge chunk out of the Western United States.

So, how was it? Exhausting and fun, with an emphasis on the former. And how did the children do after 35+ hours in the car? Amazingly well. Rest assured, the majority of tantrums were thrown by me.

Leg 1 of the trip was a stop in Utah a few days early with the kids and my MIL. I have not been back to Salt Lake City for a few years and I was overwhelmed with love for this great city and my many wonderful memories.

The itinerary? Played in Seven Canyons Fountain with Lori and Co.

Solo hiked Albian Basin at dawn, hung out at Snowbird’s Cliff Spa with former roommmate Kristy (a.k.a. She Who Inspired Me to Start a Blog) and took in the resort’s Rock and Blues Festival.

Admired the crimson sunsets over the Great Salt Lake every night.

Splashed around in Parley’s Creek at Sugar House Park, my old haunting ground.

And last but certainly not least: gorged on The Dodo’s turkey sandwich with secret BBQ sauce (I am a recovering addict) and Cafe Rio’s chicken taco salad. Is The Love of a Salad a good enough reason to move back? Because if it is, I am there.

We stayed with Jamie’s uncle who is the publisher of the city’s newspaper. He and his wife were gracious hosts but picking up after my freeloadin’ children in their museum-of-a-mansion was more upkeep than I am used to in a ~~day~~ year.

But something was unsettling to me. I knew their rug was strangely familiar.

And I just couldn’t place where I had seen something similar….

Until I arrived home.

Join me next time for To Yellowstone…and Beyond and additional confirmation that I am a true blonde.

Filed Under: Family, Family travel, Humor, travel

This Mommy Blogger’s Love Affair With the Olympics…and JumboTron!

August 11, 2008 by Amber

Am I still alive?

Inquiring minds want to know why I have been MIA the past couple of weeks. It is not due to a lack of love (I really have missed you!) but the fact that we returned last night from a road trip that consisted of 35+ hours in the car with The Offspring where we covered five states.

Details will be forthcoming but for now, I am buried under the laundry pile, have an empty refrigerator and rumor has it preschool starts tomorrow. Translation: I have a few things on my plate. Well, except for food and that is why grocery shopping is at the top of my list today.

That, and getting caught up on the Olympics. Speaking of which….

In my long, illustrious life, I have been privileged to live in two Olympic cities: Calgary and Salt Lake City. I was only 16 when the Olympics came to my hometown but old enough to attend many of the events. In the evenings, my friends and I would head down to the Olympic Plaza for the medals ceremony and hang with folks from all over the world. I still remember how cool we thought it was to get hit on by drunken Europeans (we obviously didn’t get out much back in those days.)

In 2002, I was living in Salt Lake City when the Olympics arrived. For my birthday, my friend Dave suggested we try to scalp some hockey tickets for the Canada vs. Finland quarterfinals. For those Americans out there who have blocked this out: Canada swept the hockey golds that year, so this was a big game. Well at least it was for me.

It was the ultimate Olympic experience and worth every expensive penny we paid. I was shocked at our seats. We were right behind the goal-line and mere rows away from The First Family. Noooo, not those Bushes but the First Family of Hockey–the Gretzky’s! I was in maple-leaf HEAVEN!

Now, one would think this night could not get better but I assure you that it did. But at a huge cost.

We quickly made friends with the couple sitting next to us. I got a kick out of the man’s outfit: he had a Canadian maple-leaf shaped hat, a Canadian jersey and was wearing a Canadian flag. I felt an immediate bond to him and asked where in the Motherland he was from and chuckled at his reply: Oregon. I guess if you can’t beat us, join us….

All was going smoothly and I was behaving rather well. However, I cannot vouch for the other rowdy Canucks around us. Dave commented that Canadians and beer don’t mix. I didn’t have the heart to tell him how out of hand they USUALLY get when drinking beer that actually exceeds Utah’s 0.000001% alcohol content.

So anyway, back to how I was behaving so well. It all came crumbling down in an instant. We were cheering with the crowd when, looming high above us, I caught a glimpse at the JumboTron. And a very familiar and goofy-looking guy with a maple-leaf hat. And without thinking, without hesitation, without guile, I, welp, dive-bombed into my neighbor’s lap and was broadcast for all to see.

And I was a hit! I’d say I would have been awarded at least a 5.8 for my dive and the audience’s cheers and cat calls would’ve won me the gold for sure.

And then Canada went on to win the game–the perfect end to a near-perfect evening. Really, the only downer was the butt-whooping I received from Mr. Maple Leaf’s jealous wife after jumping in his lap. “Canadian hussy,” she called me. The nerve. Some people just don’t understand the price of fame.

Filed Under: Canada, Humor

How a lemon car can teach you that your marital relations need some spice

July 28, 2008 by Amber

We bought a new car last week.

Before you send your congratulations, know that this was like those “Oops!” pregnancies and our purchase was unplanned. I am not quite sure how it happened; I wasn’t even ovulating at the time.

From the moment of ~~conception~~ purchase a few years ago, we have had problems with my husband Jamie’s Jetta. But the past month has been a non-stop stream of breakdowns. The car, not me. Mostly.

We had planned to trade it in next year but we were stressed about all the nickles, dimes and dollars we were pouring into its repairs. The worst part of all is the mechanic could not ascertain the problem.

And so we had a tough decision: sustenance for the children or a new car.

Please send food.

I have never made a huge decision so quickly. Well, with the exception of buying the first wedding dress I tried on and oh, can you please throw in that cute veil ASAP because I am late for my volleyball game? Or the fact that I was married within six months of meeting Jamie.

He gives me a hard time about the deluge of children’s items that flood my SUV but nothing could have prepared me for what we discovered when we cleaned out his car.

One could expect some fast-food wrappers.

Several discarded Google maps.

Or maybe a rotting food item…or twelve.

But what Jamie unearthed in the catacombs of his trunk rocked me to my core: an illustrated book entitled The Joy of Sensual Massage.

After drowning in a stupor of silence, I finally sputtered,

“Who gave you this this this this this PORNOGRAPHY?”

“You did. When we got married.”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, Marriage