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A Colorado weekend of chick flicks, hiking and car wash trauma

June 11, 2008 by Amber

Last weekend, Jamie’s mom offered to take Bode on Friday night while Jamie’s sister hosted a sleepover with Hadley and then spent the day with her at the local amusement park.

Just in case you are wondering why we live in Colorado, look no further than the above paragraph. My sympathies to those who do not live close to family.

So, what did Jamie and I do on our night off? Nada. Actually, we had plans to go the temple but Jamie did not feel well so I went to the local Redbox to rent a movie. There was nothing I wanted to rent so I finally settled on something I knew Jamie would not be happy about.

“Jamie, it may possibly be classified as a chick flick.”

[Warily] “Why would you say that? What did you rent?”

“Jane Austen’s Book Club.”

I was wrong. It wasn’t a chick flick. It was a chick flick on steroids.

Saturday morning, we retrieved Bode and headed up Eldorado Canyon just outside of Boulder. I have never been to this gorgeous cut of Colorado and we hiked for two hours up Rattlesnake Gulch, relishing views of the verdant Continental Divide.

This was the longest Bode has ever been in the backpack but he was a delight the whole day because 1) He looooves hiking. Well, if you consider hiking to be kicking back and occasionally kicking his mule horse mommy to go faster. 2) With mommy and daddy’s undivided attention, it was confirmed to him that he should have been an only child.

Really, the only downer to the entire weekend was on Friday night as I was driving home after dropping off the kids. I decided to do my annual super soak at the car wash, something I cannot do with Bode because it absolutely terrifies him.

I was distractedly sitting in the car watching the machine lather up my car. When it came to the rinse cycle, I distractedly realized how hot and stuffy I was getting. And what do distracted people do when their car is hot and stuffy? They roll down the window.

Here’s a little tip: if you are ever tempted to roll down the window during a car wash?

Don’t.

Filed Under: Colorado, Humor, outdoors

Camping Chaos: A Mommy Blogger’s Plea for Help!

June 2, 2008 by Amber

I have finally done gone and did it.

Please excuse my lapse in grammar. I am evidently experiencing such deficiencies in most areas of my life, particularly in the “I Will NEVER do That Again with Young Children” camp.

Speaking of camp, that is precisely what I vowed I would never do again while my kids are toddlers. And yet in what can only be described as a fog, I recently found myself clicking the “reserve” button on our campground registration.

Now, let me explain. My husband and I are outdoor aficionados. Every year, we climb a 14er and go backpacking in Moab together. And every year, we leave the children at home with Grandma.

I have also been a member of a fantastic hiking group for moms – Colorado Mountain Mamas – since my firstborn was six weeks old so my kids know the outdoors.

Just not overnight.

There is a reason for this. When my daughter Hadley was 14 months old, Jamie and I thought it would be fun to take her camping. Fun in the I-want-to-put-a-bullet-through-my-head-by-the-end-of-the-trip kind of way.

Hadley has always been an adventurous kid and loves the outdoors. But there is a world of difference between day-tripping or spending the night in a nice cabin vs. roughing it.

First, there was the issue of a tent. We are accustomed to sleek back-country ones that take moments to assemble. But we somehow thought it was a good idea to buy a tent from Costco that is big enough to house a small army. Have you ever tried to assemble a miniature house while battling a screaming toddler? We learned very quickly that we will never be invited to assist in Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Second, there was the issue of stuff. Everywhere. In the trees, on the ground – it all ended up in Hadley’s mouth. Our campsite was on a slope so if she wasn’t tripping over every rock or stick, she was eating them or attempting to roll over in the fire pit.

Third, there was the issue of sleep. Or lack thereof. Even though it was July, the evenings were cold. That, coupled with uncomfortable sleeping quarters, led Hadley to wail all night long. Both nights. If our campground neighbors had a choice, I am sure they would have voted us off the island. Both nights.

But I am still disillusioned by the dream of happy campers snuggling by the fire cooking s’mores and hot dogs. Well, minus the fat-free hot dogs, which I made the mistake of buying last time around. Note to the wise: if your hot dog turns putrid grey when cooked and your kid has the reaction you see in the photo, something is very, very wrong.

It has been three years since that cursed trip. This time, I have taken a Strength in Numbers approach and invited my friend Tina, her husband Mark and two of Hadley’s bestestest friends Nolan and Rowan.

This is the same woman whose children have been known to throw massive tantrums about “hiking” a flat 1/4-mile loop.

Should be a banner weekend. 🙂

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, outdoors Tagged With: camping

Birthday Wishes for a Hurricane!

May 27, 2008 by Amber

Dearest Hurricane Hadley,

It is that time of year again – when I reflect upon this past year and divulge items that will be used as evidence in your future therapy sessions. It is difficult to believe you are finally four! The Terrible 3s certainly trumped the Terrible 2s but with them came an increased sense of awareness as you realized that you can indeed conquer the world. This subsequently means Mommy and Daddy are your servants. But as I have been trying to tell you since birth: I do not run a democracy; the Johnson household is a dictatorship through and through.

Without question, you are the ruler.

You have a bright, spirited personality and keep us laughing every single day. You are beloved by your preschool teachers and would have had an incident-free year if you had not tackled your classmate Cooper a few weeks ago, who in defence hit you with bread. This was your first look at how carbs can be dangerous.

You are an intrepid hiker and love spending time in the back-country. You are well-traveled and visited three countries last year. Hands down, your favorite destination was Mexico where you learned to swim underwater and ate ice cream every day. You often remind me to stop spending all my money at Super Target because in your mind, my obsession with the Dollar Spot is the only thing standing in the way of you and Mexico’s endless ice cream.

This was a year of firsts. You went skiing, snowshoeing, roller-skating and ice skating for the first time and you loved them all. You brazenly gave your first talk in church and also refused help saying a prayer in front of all your peers. And as you blessed evil people in the world not to litter, you also divulged all our family secrets from the pulpit (you know: the ones that are supposed to be reserved for nighttime prayers).

You are the eternal optimist. When daddy was fired from his job earlier this year, you prophetically said he would find an even better job – one where they did not throw fire at people. You still think it is shocking that he ever had to work in such conditions.

Hands down, the big struggle this year was potty training. Your greatest attributes are your sheer will and stubbornness. Unfortunately, they will bring about Mommy and Daddy’s downfall. Rest assured, I will share your potty-training horrors on your wedding day, hoping for the same collective gasp I received from The Children’s Hospital “Oh Poo” seminar attendees when I shared your exploits. Because mommies never forget.

You still can’t count to 20 but are the head of the class in preschool with your letters and words. I blame your father that you are math-challenged. One of the greatest accomplishments in his life was begging his guidance counselor to waive the math credit so he could graduate from college. I am eternally grateful for this person because 15 years later, Daddy would still be in school trying to pass math.

And this is the man in charge of our finances. Pray for us, Hadley.

Well, just make sure not to disclose our sordid secrets such as when daddy mumbles about pumpkin porn in his sleep.

XOXO
Your Humble Servant Mommy

Filed Under: birthday, Hadley, Humor

Lessons on Detachment Parenting

May 19, 2008 by Amber

Sadly, my daughter Hurricane Hadley’s first year of preschool is drawing to a close. I have been reflecting lately upon just how well my little social butterfly has survived and how this mama has thrived with the extra break.

I realize not everyone shares my opinion. Last summer, our community had a big ol’ garage sale. My husband Jamie and I stopped at a house a few blocks away and struck up a casual conversation with the home owners. It took only a few seconds for me to realize I was talking to The Urban Legend of our neighborhood. Err…or I guess that would be Suburban Legend.

Rumors have circulated for a few years that this woman sent her child off to college and decided whilst in her 40s to start from scratch and get pregnant…20 years after the first. And she was rewarded with not one but twin girls Hadley’s exact same age.

Well, I was ecstatic to meet The Legend! We immediately hit it off and talked of future playdates. Jamie asked if she was sending them to our local elementary school and she responded affirmatively. I then asked if they were going to preschool.

“Yes, they’re going to ________.”

“Oh great! That is where Hadley is going in the fall!”

“Well, admittedly I am pretty reluctant to send them. I just don’t think I can bear to be without them. You know what I’m talking about?”

I thought of my “How Many Days Until Hadley is in Preschool Countdown Chart.” And my mental spreadsheet detailing what Bode and I would do with six tranquil hours every single week without the Hurricane.

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean.”

Later in the car, I relayed our conversation to Jamie. Dubiously, he looked at me and eloquently assessed the situation:

“Those are not our kind of people, Amber.”

Hear, hear. 🙂

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor, Jamie

WW – When That Which Was Lost Was Finally Found

May 13, 2008 by Amber

After 4 months, 18 days and 10 hours, I finally found my hubby’s Christmas present.

I told him to just pretend it’s like Christmas in May!!!!

He didn’t buy it.

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, Uncategorized

Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them

May 12, 2008 by Amber

My husband Jamie has been sneaking around lately. I figured his covert actions were regarding the gargantuan Mother’s Day surprise party he was likely throwing me.

It didn’t happen.

Or the second honeymoon he was planning.

We already took one.

So when I spotted him slip into the den and close the door, I knew he was up to no good. I waited a few minutes until I heard him tapping away on the computer’s keyboard. And then I went in for the kill.

And nothing could have prepared me for what I found. It was not a lurid chat room, nor was it nekkid women but it was pumpkin porn.

Yes, my friends. My beloved, pumpkin-obsessed husband has started a blog about growing pumpkins. This is not just any blog but a secret pumpkin blog.

“This is why you’ve been sneaking around? You have a pumpkin blog?”
“Errr…yes.”
“Just when were you planning to tell me about this?”
“Errr…never?”

Thus solidifies just how deep his obsession runs. For those not in the know, it started out innocently last spring when he planted the first pumpkin seed. Over the summer, he and our daughter Hadley religiously watered and watched it grow from a molehill to a mountain.

Unfortunately, so did his competitive drive.

Jamie decided to enter it into our local harvest festival and I, good wife that I am, humored him. Until the flood came. It started with his barrage of pumpkin-related emails and then it totally engulfed our dinner conversations.

“I read online that I need to cut the stem right before the competition.”

Grunt.

“It then says I should put the stem into a gallon of water.”

Groan.

“Did you know a pumpkin can lose up to five pounds within the few hours of being cut?”

You get the point.

I was just ready for it to be over. For this to be a chapter carefully folded away into the Johnson Family History of Dysfunction, never to be spoken of again.

Until his 141.5-pound pumpkin won.

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor, Jamie, Marriage, pumpkins

Just in case you’re ever tempted – an original poem

April 30, 2008 by Amber

Just in case you’re ever tempted
to think things will go your way.
Allow me to inform you
life is meant to go astray.

Like the time you loaded dirty diapers
Into a grocery bag to fling
Across the lawn for garbage day
Thinking of the ease this action would bring.

You see, you were recently showered
And in your robe, to boot.
And decided to forgo the usual flashing
To all the neighbors who were en route.

With the garbage man fast approaching
From the doorstep you didst fling with all your might
This bag of dirty diapers
That for one beautiful moment took flight.

Not only did you miss the garbage
By more than 50 feet
But your bag of dirty diapers
Didst crash and were rendered obsolete.

You sprang from your doorstep,
Robe now flapping in the breeze
To discover the diapers had also exploded
A stench that brought you to your knees.

So unless you enjoy cleaning up detonated diapers
And flashing the neighbors with all your brawn
Do not ever ever ever ever
Fling dirty diapers across the lawn.

-An original work by Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor

A Sneak Peek at our Revolutionary, Best-Selling Parenting Book

April 28, 2008 by Amber

I never fancied myself a ballerina, which is particularly ironic since I’m walking on my tiptoes a lot these days. And also on eggshells.

My 21-month-old Bode has transformed almost overnight from a loving, cuddly, easy-going angel to an often possessed, tantruming toddler. Of course, I know I should have expected that such bliss could not last.

I remember shortly after my daughter Hurricane Hadley turned 3 she went through a phrase I called The Tyrant. When I offered suggestions for a snack, I braced myself for the unleashing of how dare I even suggest something so unthinkable as apples. When I pretended to turn her into a princess with my magic wand, I was sent to the dungeons because I held the wand at the wrong angle. Anything set her off, which made me wonder if she had some kind of chemical imbalance.

Or if it was the fact that she was 3.

I’ve heard from some that the 3s are worse than the 2s. Doubting Thomas that I was, I didn’t buy in. But then there I was: sold out.

We had one uncharacteristically good day with what I would consider to be a reasonable amount of T.O.N. (Tantrums Over Nothing). We were sitting on our leather sofa watching out the window for my husband Jamie to come home. I looked down at how precious she was being and decided she needed some positive reinforcement.

“You know, Mommy is so happy with how sweet you’ve been today. Thank you for being so nice to your brother Bode and me.”

Within seconds, seconds people, she started acting up and it did not stop the rest of the night.

As we were eating dinner, she miraculously downed most of the curry chicken phyllos I made and I decided again: positive reinforcement.

“Haddie, what a great eater you’re being tonight!”

Within milliseconds, milliseconds people, she choked out her food and spewed it all over the floor. Jamie looked at me dubiously.

“Hey Amber. Here’s a new parenting strategy for you. How about ditch this positive reinforcement crap and STOP WITH THE COMPLIMENTS.”

We’ll begin our book tour next month.

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

Sanford & Son (& Daughter) Do White Trash!

April 21, 2008 by Amber

Every neighborhood has ‘em.

You know: the one white-trash family that just oozes with socially unacceptable behavior such as loud music, big engines, cold beer and jacked-up trucks.

I just didn’t know “they” were “us.”

It all started out innocently when I took the kids for an early-morning run at this time last year. Since the temperatures were still brisk, I opted against getting them dressed and kept them bundled up in their fleece PJs.

Now, something you should know about me is that even though I’m lucky if I get a brush through my hair, I am pretty anal about ensuring my kids are properly groomed. But I figured this was a worthy exception to get an early start to the day. You know. To beat those sweltering 60-degree temperatures that would soon descend upon us.

Something else you should also know is that it was garbage day, certainly not the best of times to be running due to the surrounding stench. I was the last 1/4-mile into my run up the big stinky hill to our house when I spotted It: that which led my great downfall to white trashdom (and coincidentally, it was white…and trash). Someone had left a wicker chest out by their garbage.

I stopped. It would be perfect in our basement for my children’s toys. I investigated. It was in great shape, too. Or at least it was before my attempts to transport it.

There was a problem, though. It was really big, which made our progress really slow. Oh yeah, and did I mention the hill? My little charges were patient in the beginning but after about 15 minutes of dragging it, fussiness ensued. I decided I needed another plan. I could take the kids out of the jogging stroller, put the trunk inside and let them walk. Well, at least the big one. My main concern was that Hadley was still in her pajamas and what would the neighbors think?

I did it anyway.

And so there we were on our leisurely Monday Morning Dumpster Diving Stroll around the neighborhood. Haddie in her soiled PJs, Bode with his frumpy hair.

Then Haddie started limping. “I have cereal at the bottom of my PJs,” she whined.

I looked down and sure enough she had lumpy feet. But at this point, the only way to get the cereal out of her one-piece pajamas would have involved stripping her down completely. And if PJs by Day were white trash, having her wander down the street with her sagging pull-up diaper was veritable trailer status. And at that, I drew the line.

“I have an idea! Just stomp really hard and it will turn your cereal into little crumbs. And then we’ll just follow them home like Hansel and Gretel!” I have always been a master of resolution.

She looked dubiously at me, made a meager attempt and then limped the rest of the way. It was memorable to say the least but we survived and the kids acquired a new toy box. A new toy box that I have never used and has remained hidden underneath a pile of junk in our garage.

Would I do it again? Sure. Only next time, I’ll just need to remember to bring my shopping cart along….

Filed Under: Bode, Family, Favorite Posts, Hadley, Humor

The Careful, Conservative AND Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck?!

April 18, 2008 by Amber

Thanks for all your well-wishes about Jamie’s consulting job offer! I am just dealing with the paradigm shift in our lives. My father worked at the same company for 30+ years and stability is what I am used to. It is mandatory with someone as unstable as myself. 🙂

Jamie is in his element and this new opportunity affords itself a much bigger paycheck with bigger risks. We admittedly have had it really good since we got married so now we have to play it safe by being careful and conservative, two words that aren’t exactly in my vocabulary. Remember? I am the Crazy in Bloggin’ Canuck.

On another note, Friday is my weekly Boot Camp weigh-in at Mile High Mamas and the numbers were encouraging. Evidently, stress is an excellent asset when losing weight…

===============

One of the most invaluable lessons I have learned through the Biggest Loser Boot Camp is that visualization with a specific goal in mind is imperative when losing weight.

For some, they are training for a triathlon.

For others, they want to summit a 14er.

For many, it is fitting back into their skinny jeans.

For me, it is losing my baby weight so I can get pregnant and gain it all back again.

(Please excuse me while I bang my head against the wall.)

But without further ado, my weekly weight loss total is: 5 pounds. My three-week total is now 9 pounds!

There are a couple of things that I attribute to my successful week:

1) Robyn’s intense workouts at Front Range Adventure Boot Camp. Every day is different and fun. Sometimes it is scaling Red Rocks. Others involve a high-energy game of four square, dodge ball or basketball. But the common denominator is they always involve a perfect mix of cardio and strength training. Oh, and they always kick my butt.

2) Through The Biggest Loser Club, I have had an epiphany: I have been paying attention to the wrong thing. My past weight-loss attempts were focused on what I was eating. BLBC is teaching me to focus on why I am eating it, which gets to the real heart of the problem.

I have journaled what I am eating before. It really didn’t help me other than serve as a blaring reminder that maybe I should not have eaten that entire batch of cookie dough. But in BLBC we take it a step further and write down the emotions we are feeling before and after we ate. I am discovering patterns and feelings I never knew existed.

Following the meeting, a few of us stayed around to discuss mind-numbing profundities such as our husbands’ OCD tendencies. One’s cleaning obsession led him to Pledge his large home’s hardwood floor. Another washes his car three times a day and paces in front of his washer and dryer until his clothes are clean.

When it was my turn, I was stumped, secretly wishing my hubby had at least one cleaning obsession. Until I remembered that he is the cleanest man in American and often showers 2-3 times a day (though it is often to relieve his sore rheumatic joints).

When I arrived home, I relayed our conversation.

“You told them I shower that much?”
“I sure did!”
“Well, if it is any consolation to you, I rarely use soap.”

Long pause of consideration.

“Actually it’s not but thanks for sharing….”

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie