To Dream the Impossible Dream (especially when your performance is a nightmare)

Last weekend was my 3-year-old daughter Hadley’s first – and last – dance recital. We invited the entire family out for the occasion, an event we knew would go down as yet one more painful chapter in the Johnson Family History of Dysfunction.

You see, Hadley has inherited my lack of rhythm. Instead, she has a raw, aggressive athleticism that makes her adept at climbing mountains, scaling large buildings and reducing her competition to tears at any sign of weakness (the latter of which I have been submitted to since she was born).

I hoped an early intervention would counteract her lack of groove but I was wrong. Early on, it became painfully clear that she is not made for the dance floor. Her only redeeming quality is she loves an audience, as was evidenced by her performance at the recital.

While most of the little girls timidly and gracefully danced, Hadley did her toe-heel kicks like she was crushing a philandering ex-boyfriend. She spun like a rabid Tasmanian devil. And then, when all the girls were linking hands in a circle, Hadley decided this was her moment and she brazenly improvised a solo performance. Until those lacking in vision reeled her back in, that is. (The legendary dance will likely be coming to a YouTube near you).

We laughed until we cried but quickly acknowledged that this is not her passion and so our quest continues to explore and discover her talents. To encourage, not crush The Dream because believe me, I know all about the crushing….

When I was young, I dreamt of singing on Broadway and would perform to my Annie and Sound of Music 8-Tracks for hours. Problem was I couldn’t carry a tune but that did not dissuade me. Until Lisa Low came on the scene.

Lisa was a girl at church who was the complete antithesis of me. She was petite, sweet, sang like an angel and was a fantastic actress. I was also extremely jealous of her. Whatever athletic or academic prowess I possessed seemed to pale in comparison to her. One Sunday when I heard her song-bird voice, I snapped. Suddenly, it became the most important thing in the world to out-sing her the only way I know how: in volume.

As I sang louder, she rose to the occasion matching me with her melodic voice. Back and forth it went until we were both practically shouting. Exasperated, she finally turned to me.

“Amber, will you please stop? You are singing way too loud!”
“You are singing just as loudly as me,” I pointed out.
“Yes, but I sound good!”

Moabites, Vampires and Indians – OH MY!!

Forgive me if I am MIA for a bit – I am recovering from the three glorious days I spent in Moab’s backcountry with my dearly beloved. It has been our tradition to go every year. Well, every year that we have not been pregnant or nursing, which has only amounted to much less than annually.

Backpacking is our way to diffuse stress, reconnect and realize that we have issues. Big issues. While most people relax or go to the beach for their childless vacation, we choose this route through Canyonland’s Devil’s Kitchen that is completely devoid of water, requiring us to haul 3 gallons of it in our packs – packs that weighed more than 40 pounds.

But the rewards are out of this world and we always marvel at the area’s sandstone monoliths that stand as if cast adrift in a red rock sea.

That is the magic and perfection of it all. The imperfection is that somehow only the two of us could almost drown on land.

It started when we realized Jamie accidentally brought my Marmot sleeping bag that has completely lost its loft and any semblance of warmth.

“Amber, what is this dumb bag rated to?”

“It was rated to negative 15 degrees in its prime.”

“Yeah, right. The only thing negative in here is my attitude.”

Evidence that Front Range Adventure Boot Camp is Actually Working

“Jamie, I don’t hurt anywhere except for my feet.”

“Well Amber, I hurt everywhere except for my feet.”

The Ultimate Profession of Vampire Love

During the 10-hour drive, I became addicted to Twilight, the first book in Stephanie Meyers’ series on teen-age vampire love. A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D. After the final page, I closed the book and reverently placed it on my lap.

“I want you to know something, Jamie.”

“What is it?”

“That no matter what happens between us, I would convert to being a vampire just to be with you. Because I love you that much.”

When Jamie wishes he could use his vampire fangs to shut me up

During our hike from base camp to Chesler Park on Day 2, I queried,

“Not that I want any but did you happen to bring some beef jerky with you?”

“No, I left it at camp.”

“But I want sommmmmmmmme!!!”

Jamie’s Payback

A ranger disclosed that our camp had secret pictograph etchings on the wall. As we pondered their origins, Jamie proclaimed they were just ancient graffiti by some teen-aged Indian punk.

“And do you see those tire tracks leading up to them?”

“I suppose you think the Indians are responsible for them? Yeah, right. Like they had cars, Jamie.”

“Haven’t you ever heard of the Cherokee?….”

Letter Factory Confessions

When I recently retrieved my 3-year-old daughter Hadley from preschool, her teacher pulled me aside.

“I need to talk to you about Hadley,” she said in that voice. The same cautionary voice my third-grade teacher used right before she wrote on my report card that I had “verbal diarrhea.”

Shockingly, the report was positive.

“Hadley is doing such a great job with her letters! Not only is she really advanced on sounding them out but she is already piecing them together in words. You must be regularly working on them with her at home?”

After retrieving my jaw from the floor, I paused long and hard. Should I tell her that my kids are addicted to “The Letter Factory” DVD by LeapFrog? And that perky tadpole Tad is even inspiring my 1-year-old Bode to sound out his letters, like a stuttering infant prodigy, with very little help from me?

“Why yes, we have been working on them at home. Regularly. Nice to know it is paying off.”

Note: This was not a complete lie. I just failed to divulge who “we” included.

This is not the first time one of my children has been taught and inspired by television. When Hadley was 23 months old she acquired a new best friend I despised. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not some snobby mom who doesn’t let her kid play with a certain sort of people. But this friend? Well, he’s purple. And he’s a dinosaur, fer heaven’s sake. And he’s annoying.

Yes, Hadley was obsessed with Barney – the very show I vowed I’d never expose her to. And I didn’t. The blame goes to Grandma who innocently introduced her, obviously not knowing the ramifications. Who could’ve known he would be the ONLY one in the whole world who could calm her down when she woke up moody from her naps? Or that his love song to her at the end of the show “I love you, you love me,” could make her combust into a fountain of tears because she knew their time together was drawing to a close. Or that she would lie awake at night wondering what her offspring would look like if she and Barney ever had babies together.

After watching Barney one day, we went to run some errands. For months, I had been incessantly reciting 123s and ABCs wherever we went. She would occasionally list off a number just to shut me up but really, her attentions were focused on learning the alphabet. So when I was in the car with her, I turned my focus back to numbers as I attempted to teach her how to say she was “2 years old,” in honor of her birthday at the end of the month.

She gave me her typical teen-aged “Why are you bothering me, Mother,” look and then casually blurted out, “1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.” I stopped, shocked. “Did you just count to 10, Hadley?” She repeated herself, this time throwing in the number 11 for good measure. Showoff.

I was practically jumping for joy! Finally, all those countless hours of teaching her, of slaving over her growth had finally paid off! I had a glimmer of hope that I was making at least some difference in her life! Bursting with pride, I wanted acknowledgment and gratitude for my efforts. “Hadley, who taught you to count to 10?”

“Barney!!!!!!!!”

FINALLY: the way to every man’s heart revealed

It is currently my husband Jamie’s basketball season and every year, I dread it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those overbearing women who doesn’t let her husband do anything fun. It’s just there’s something else factored in there: near-death experiences. You see, when Jamie played in the past, he was almost always rushed to the ER with a heart arrhythmia.

He has had a long history with his heart. Shortly after we got married, Jamie’s dad found an old video tape of Jamie playing basketball in high school. He eagerly watched the footage and proudly announced: “Do you see me out there?” Thinking he was trying to show off to his new bride, I scanned the floor, looking for his sexy high-school chicken legs but couldn’t find him. Finally, he let me in on the suspense, pointing to a guy passed out in front of the bench: “There – that’s me having an arrhythmia after playing!” Gee. I couldn’t have been more proud.

During the first few years of our marriage, his heart seemed to get increasingly worse. When I was pregnant with my firstborn, he nearly passed out after a game and we had to call an ambulance for him. His resting heart-rate? A whopping 210. He had a repeat performance the following year, only this time Haddie was able to accompany us to the ER. She had just learned to wave and spent the duration spreading good cheer to all the ER patients. I’m sure she thought it was “Wude” that none of them waved back. Go figure.

After that last episode, he finally caved and went to see a heart specialist – one who wasn’t part of the “Just let your husband play basketball and quit nagging him club,” like the first doctor he saw. This guy recommended an out-patient surgery, which Jamie opted for versus his other option: never playing basketball again.

The surgery was pretty non-invasive. Basically, they went into his heart via four arteries (two in his groin) and simply burned out the bad cells that were causing the arrhythmia.

His recovery was smooth, minus a grotesque and painful bruise he had on his groin for a long time. One day during this process, my dear, sweet husband said to me, “This surgery actually confirmed what we have long suspected about men.” I eagerly awaited profundities and I got ‘em with his mischievous answer:

“The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through His Groin.”

At least now it can be medically proven….

Testing the Limits in Bryce Canyon National Park

Originally published in Sports Guide magazine, 2002. Photo: Johan Elenga

A recent weekend in Bryce Canyon National Park was all about limits. I tested the limits of my friendship with accomplice Kristy by dragging her all over the park and then persuading her to compete with me in an archery biathlon.

Never mind that she had never been cross-country skiing before.

She tested the limits of her friendship with me during the five-hour drive to Bryce, when I had to roll down the windows for much of the chilly February drive thanks to her garlic pizza dinner. Our hotel room had to undergo a similar de-fumigation process.

We were going to Bryce Canyon’s annual Winter Festival. The three-day festival
includes free clinics, demos, and tours in cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, archery, ski archery, photography, and ski waxing. The event is usually held over President’s Day weekend but had been bumped up a few weeks to accommodate the Olympic Torch Relay.

I was ecstatic. Bryce Canyon National Park’s pillars, hoodoos, and fin-like ridges are stunning enough during the summer months. But in winter, they erupt from the rim of the Paunsaugunt Plateau in a fiery display set against the cold white snow.

This high elevation park is also Utah’s smallest with an area of only 56-square miles. Best of all was the absence of the tourists who flood the park every year beginning in May. Park rangers assert that Bryce averages around 100 visitors on any given weekday and rarely more than 250 on the weekends during the off-season. The park’s elevation reaches as high as 9,115 feet, and the resulting snows scare off the fair-weather tourists from November through April.

Archery 101

We dove into the Winter Festival that afternoon, starting with the archery clinic. Our instructor was Eric Quilter, a member of the U.S. Archery Biathlon Team. Quilter had been involved in the cross-country ski circuit for years but shot his first bow at the Utah Winter Games only two ago. He soon started to compete in the Archery Biathlon, a blend of cross-country skiing and target archery. The event consists of a 6- to 12-kilometer ski course with several stops at the targets. Scoring is a combination of ski time and shooting points.

Quilter explained that in the real race, a simple “hit-or-miss” style target is used at an 18-meter distance from the racers. Our target was thankfully a huge bulls-eye with concentric rings that was in much closer proximity. He walked us through archery’s basics— everything from eye dominance, to brace-height, to stance.

Quilter then asked for volunteers. Never one to shun a shot at public humiliation, I started to step forward. “How about we start with the burliest in the group?” he quipped.

I stepped back. My daunting 5’4” frame topped with curly strawberry-blonde hair didn’t exactly constitute burly. But when a couple of wiry teenage boys stepped up, I figured I was in the running and joined them. I somehow thought my success (or lack of failure) qualified Kristy and me to take it to the next level: the archery biathlon. Kristy called it insane and at first, refused. She had never been on cross-country skis and didn’t believe me when I said it was “all in good fun.”  I finally convinced her to join me.

Cross-Country Skiing 201

We participated in a ski clinic early the next morning so Kristy did not have to race cold turkey. Our R.E.I. instructor taught our group of five the basics and then let us loose on the groomed Great Western Trail. I had grown up cross-country skiing on the flat golf course behind my house, and I figured 25 years of alpine skiing would have some bearing upon my skills. I forgot I thought the same thing when I took up water-skiing, when I had quickly learned otherwise.

Kristy did better than most of our group, which instilled a false sense of confidence. We eventually connected with over 50 kilometers of cross-country ski track that Ruby’s Inn Nordic Center grooms for classical and skating techniques. The trail winds through meadows and forests to the rim of Bryce Canyon. Some of the trials interconnect with ski-set trails inside the national park. The scenery was stunning and best of all, there was no track fee at Ruby’s.

Graduate-level Biathlon

We met for the race at 11 a.m. I surveyed the competition. There were many serious biathletes in the group. And then there was Kristy and me.

Eric relayed the rules. The children and youth would race first and start in 30-second increments. The race for the adults would not start until the completion of the previous races. Our biathlon consisted of six laps around the track. After the first two laps, we would stop at the archery range, shoot, and continue for another couple of laps repeating the process. We would shoot a total of nine arrows at three different times.

I was initially disappointed when I discovered there was a separate youth division but then I noted that Eric’s four young boys, all excellent skiers, were also racing. I decided it was best we had separate divisions—there’s nothing like having your butt kicked by a five-year-old.

I got realistic and decided upon two goals: to not wipe-out while skiing, and to hit the target every time. Bulls-eye was an added bonus.


I was slated third to start the race. Eric went first and I was at the line 60 seconds later. I started strong. With all my amateur archery biathlete might, I forged forward, relishing every stride. And then Eric passed me. On my first lap. I shook it off—I mean, the guy was on the U.S. National Team. But then another competitor passed me, and then another.

I conceded that the majority of the field outclassed me. I vowed to ski my own race and started taking notes. Most archery biathletes made use of the “skating” technique, which is generally faster than the traditional diagonal stride (“classic”) style of skiing I was using. No wonder they were able to pass me so effortlessly.

Oh, and also because I was slow.

By the time I finished lap two and skied up to the range, I was panting heavily. I grabbed the bow. It bobbed up and down like a ship on a tempestuous sea. I had not taken into account that I would be shooting under such conditions. Regardless, I somehow tamed the tempest and hit the target every time.

Like a masochist, I repeated the process two more times and completed four more laps with two stops at the range. I was exhausted when I finally crossed the finish line but my spirits were lifted when my supporters cheered me on.

OK, most of them were Winter Festival volunteers who were supposed to be there but hey, fans are fans.

I ran to the edge of the track to watch Kristy’s race. It wasn’t pretty. I mean, she should have won the rookie of the race award: first time on skis, first time shooting a bow, and first time in a biathlon. And her finish was spectacular. She made her final shots, turned toward the finish line and face planted. She somehow crawled across the line, leaving a trail of her sunglasses, hat, and gloves. She laughed.

Until she saw me.

Her look of death confirmed my worst fears. And at that moment in Bryce Canyon National Park, I realized I had surpassed the limits of friendship—a limit that no amount of belching garlic pizza could ever match.

Colorado Spring Breakin’!

I assure you that I am indeed alive! It is Spring Break for the Canuck clan, which really doesn’t mean much because Hadley only goes to preschool two days a week. We had planned a trip to Utah but stayed home because of Jamie’s consulting gig. And because it just didn’t feel right.

What? A trip that didn’t feel right for a traveling junkie? Maybe feeling those nine hours in the car with the children had something everything to do with it.

The temperatures have been beautiful in Colorado and we have been hiking almost daily. Bode even did his first trek sans backpack and darned if he wasn’t the cutest little mountain man.

Hadley has really come into her own on the trail and on Saturday, we did a 1.5-mile loop through Red Rocks. And Jamie and I could not have been more thrilled.

Which begs the question: how do you feel about your children sharing your interests? Do you push them to do it?

For the most part, I really don’t care if my children excel at volleyball, roller-blading or nose blowing (particularly since I have already made millionaires out of Kleenex Co.) But I am fully invested in instilling a love for the outdoors because it transcends a mere interest into a lifestyle. And I am so glad they are both openly embracing it.

In many ways, Hadley is the mirror image of me and our similarities were no more prevalent than last summer when the kids and I had a picnic with my MIL Linda and Jamie’s sister Tammy. After we polished off our food, Hadley downed a cream-cheese brownie and asked Linda for more.

Linda: May I give her another one?

Me: Sure but make it a small one.

She cut it in half and proceeded to give it to The Hurricane.

Me: Hadley, Grandma just gave you that nice brownie. What do you say?

Hadley: I WANT A BIG ONE!

How you know your Easter festivities have sunk to a new low

You are one of only a few families invited to a friend’s Easter egg hunt where they stuffed about 1,000 eggs and hid them all over their huge backyard.

You know you have sunk to a new low when:

1) A certain father shadows his daughter around the yard. When her bucket is full, instead of quitting like she wants, you convince her to keep hunting and completely fill your jacket full of eggs.

2) You later find your outgoing daughter, stripped down to her panties, sitting on a bed reading a book while her friends play outside.

3) When you hear there are several eggs with $2 bills inside, a certain mother shoves little children aside to shake every single egg, listening for the money.

4) All of the above.

P.S. How was YOUR Easter?

Hunky Hubby: the negotiating genius

I have had several inquiries regarding how Jamie’s job search is going. I have been unsure how to respond to them because we are on hold. He had two companies who came to him, saying they want to bring him on-board. But these two companies also need to firm up financing prior to extending an official offer.

It is a different world now but the prospects are so much brighter for Jamie. For so long, he was bound to a job and company that had absolutely no vision for what the Internet can do. Last week, he went to a networking meeting and came home on fire with all the innovative, creative ideas that were shared. He wants to be on the cutting edge and that is what would happen with either of these companies.

One of them has been trying to hire him since October but is still in negotiations to finalize a lucrative contract in order to do so. Last week, they hired Jamie as a consultant on another project and told him to name his rate. We vacillated back and forth. We wanted to aim fairly high but not overshoot it. Jamie came up with $50 an hour.

Jamie: “I was thinking $50 an hour….”

Employer: “How about $65?”

Jamie: “…but that is my final offer.”

Dental Drama of a Nauseated Mama

My dental drama is finally over. Or at least my insurance is maxed out so that possible root canal will just have to wait.

For those who need a refresher, I went to the dentist after having Hadley (my firstborn) and discovered my Pukefest-for-a-Pregnancy had produced approximately 500 cavities. We started Operation Rotfest Repair but then found out I was pregnant with Bode so we had to hold off.

When I finally went back after Pukefest-for-a-Pregnancy No. 2, my cavities had blossomed into root canals and crowns, a veritable garden of decay in my mouth. This, for the girl who religiously brushes and flosses daily and who never even had a cavity until high school.

I have spent thousands of dollars repairing my teeth and countless hours shuffling between the endodentist and dentist. Tuesday was my final appointment. I have the drill down (pun intended) and have had the same room and dental assistant from the get-go. I was settling into my luxury recliner when a newbie walked in.

“Where is Pat?” I demanded, concerned over the disappearance of my favorite probing assistant.
“She is busy with someone else,” Newbie replied.

An office affair? I never imagined I would be the scorned lover. And so I was left with this, this, this virgin. One who did not understand I like to read my smut hard-news magazines throughout the entire appointment and that my salivary glands are the healthiest on the planet.

Translation: she would have to eternally use the spit-sucker because I have an overabundance of the “nectar of the gods.”

At least that is what the kissing book I gave my college freshman boyfriend called it.

After two hours of spit sucking, drilling and removing my sense of dignity as I was reduced to a drooling invalid, I limped out of there. One of my cavities’ depth loomed close to a nerve so I was forewarned I would have possible complications and a future root canal.

“Possible complications” was an understatement. Seven hours later, my lip was still numb, throbbing and three times its size. My daughter sympathetically observed, “Mommy, you have monster mouth.”

Hubby was more diplomatic. “You look just like Angelina Joie with those lips.”

Yeah, without the sultry pout and slinky legs. Lucky me.

The ailments continued to bedtime. Ever the concerned husband, he gave me some pain killers to knock me out. Only it had the adverse effect.

11 p.m. “Wow, I feel GREATTTTTTTTT!”
1 a.m. “Is this stuff supposed to make me feel like I am on Speeeeeeed?”
3 a.m. “Did you know there are 1,535 dots on the ceiling?”
4 a.m. The medicine finally wore off and I passed out.
6 a.m. Bode woke up. You do the math.

So for for now, I am relieved to say my dental drama is over.

At least until Pukefest-for-a-Pregnancy No. 3.

“Ask Amber” – Insights into the non-domestic world

My domestic prowess has been put into question lately. Even though I will not go anywhere near a sewing machine or ironing board, I excel in the kitchen.

Usually.

Ask Amber How to Burn Noodles

I am glad you asked this question because it is very rare that one is able to accomplish such a feat using only spaghetti noodles and water.

The process: have a dinner party with only 15 minutes to cook four large packages of noodles. Grab a large sauce pan, fill with water, heat to boiling and then cram all the noodles inside the pan. Leave the noodles to hurriedly prepare your family for the party. Make sure not to stir them even once. Return 10 minutes later to find the noodles clumped together, stuck to the bottom of the pan.

Voila, burnt noodles!

Editor’s Note: Also make sure you leave the pan soaking in the sink for a minimum of two weeks, hoping the stubborn spots will mysteriously disappear. Or just secretly hope your husband will take care of it.

Editor’s Note No. 2: He won’t.

Ask Amber How to Destroy Your Ice Maker

This one is tricky and the key is not to learn from your mistakes the first time. Ensure you have some kind of event for which you will need quick access to something on top of the refrigerator. Our event was Halloween and our “somethings” were black nail polish and lipstick for my daughter’s witch costume.

Make sure you are too lazy to return the somethings to their correct home after the event. Then, when the lipstick falls off the fridge into the ice machine and comes out in cute little back cubes, ensure your in-laws are visiting so as to showcase your domesticity. Or stupidity. You decide.

Do not learn from this mistake. Mourn the demise of the lipstick but keep the nail polish on top of the fridge and wait for its inevitable demise. Because it will happen. And when it does, your Spidey senses will be tingling just like the magnanimous black goop that infiltrated everything in Spider-Man 3.

Editor’s note: I know this is “Ask Amber” but now I am asking you how to get the nail polish off? I just hope this does not destroy my street cred….

Ask Amber How to Keep Your Fridge Smelling Clean

Me: The fridge smells really bad. I think I’ll get one of those Arm & Hammer boxes next time I’m at the store.

Hubby: Y’know, you could try cleaning it.

[Long pause of consideration]

Me: Naw. I think I’ll just stick to the baking soda, thanks.