Humor | Life Elevated Mom

Marriage’s Great Deceptions

January 2, 2008 by Amber

On behalf of Mile High Mamas, welcome back!

After a wonderful, relaxing Christmas “it” occurred on December 26th – the day I confirmed that maybe I am not losing my mind. And for anyone who has ever been there, lost that, you know exactly what I mean.

Case #1:

My favorite cookie sheet has been missing for months. A sturdy, heavy-duty hunk of metal that has been the conduit through which I have brought many calorie-filled wonders into being. And into my being.

I have greatly mourned its loss. My husband Jamie has known about my devastation. I even debated buying a new cookie sheet whilst in the throes of all my holiday baking but held off because I just couldn’t bear the thought of replacing it.

Case #2:

In the past, a favorite practice of mine was dumping a gallon of drinking water on my lap whilst driving. Until Jamie bought me a glorious CamelBak water bottle, which, in my many years of water-bottle dumpage, is the only one that has never leaked.

Our affair was glorious. Each morning as I drove the kids around town, I lovingly sucked my malleable mouthpiece and never once did even a drop of water escape.

Until I lost the straw.

For those unfamiliar with the CamelBak waterbottle, the straw is to the bottle as the husband is to deception.

Confused? Keep reading.

Revelation#1:

Fast forward to December 26th. Our Christmas tree had been dead for weeks and I could not bear to look at it for another moment. Despite the fact that I had a killer sinus infection and a house littered with new toys, THE TREE HAD TO COME DOWN (you know what I mean if you’ve ever had those moments).

After the last light strand was unstrung and the last ornament unceremoniously dumped in a bag with the promise of future organization, Jamie removed the tree. He went to dump the water out of the tree stand when he stopped. And he called out:

“Hey, Amber. Remember that straw you’ve been missing?”
“Yes.”
“It would seem that maybe I might have kind of well, you know possibly used your CamelBak to water the tree and maybe just possibly your straw might have fallen into the tree stand.”

My beloved straw. Drowning in tree sap all these weeks. No wonder there was a death. (Of the tree that is; Jamie’s future is yet to be determined.)

Revelation #2:

Remember the sinus infection? Later that day, I was down in The Dungeon of Despair attempting to locate the lifetime supply of tissue boxes I recently purchased from Costco. I didn’t find the tissues but when I gazed up, up, up to the top of our storage shelves, I caught a glimpse of a glimmering beacon. A beacon that distinctly resembled my beloved hunk of metal.

I joyfully reached up, only to discover displaced pumpkin seeds reposing on my cookie sheet. Or rather, intentionally placed pumpkin seeds BY MY AWARD-WINNING, PUMPKIN-OBSESSED HUSBAND WHO KNOWS I HAVE BEEN PULLING MY HAIR OUT FOR MONTHS ABOUT THIS DISAPPEARANCE.

And yes, there just may have been the first reported case of Abuse By Pumpkin Seeds had he not promptly (and wisely) removed them.

The only good thing that came out of my findings of December 26th is that I assuredly, certifiably am not losing my mind.

P.S. Now, if I could just find Jamie’s lost Christmas present….

Filed Under: Humor, Jamie, Marriage

Mommy Blogger Transformer

December 13, 2007 by Amber

Like many of you, I have a lot going down these days and here are a few highlights:

Terrific 3s

Thanks for all the GREAT advice and empathy you gave regarding my Little Terrible 3. From the sound of it, the 3s are far worse than the 2s for many people. In honor of of the CBS show Kid Nation, maybe we should just pool together all the bi-polar three-year-olds in the world and let them duke it out.

Then again, our species would be rendered obsolete.

Bugged Out

We have all acquired a lovely bug at our house that manifests itself at both ends. Hands down, my most trying times as a mom are when I am sick and required to take care of everyone. I think I will start a foundation aimed to take care of mamas when they are sick. Any takers?

Tree Killer

The man who grew the biggest pumpkin in town has killed our Christmas tree only a couple of weeks after purchase. And then he murdered my beautiful maroon poinsettia. Next stop: the Christmas spirit?

Swappin’ Recipes

I have been over at Mile High Mamas a lot this week. I am here to remind you that today is the final full day to share your favorite holiday recipes and be entered to win our fantastic prize package and possibly land yourself in The Denver Post.

The Great Transformer

My post today at MHM is all about confessionals. Have you lived your entire life denouncing a particular product, only to do a complete about-face? I call it a change of heart.

Jamie calls it hypocrisy.

Either way, come checkout my mind-boggling transformation.

And minivan drivers, stand tall, stand proud. This post’s for you.

==================

Admittedly, when Dodge contacted Mile High Mamas during their quest to find 50 local moms to test drive their 2008 Dodge Caravan, I scoffed. To say I am not a fan of minivans is an understatement. My sole reasoning behind my disdain for them was summed up in Chipotle’s recent ad campaign that attested, “There is no such thing as a cool minivan.”

The evidence:

No. 1: My ultra-cool neighbors (who bear a strong physical resemblance to Gabrielle and Carlos Solis on Desperate Housewives) considered buying a minivan last year. Instead of being supportive, I teased them to no end that they were “selling out their coolness.” This would later come back to bite me in the buttocks.

No. 2: During my qualifying interview with Dodge, they asked me if I would ever consider driving a minivan. I, of course, lied and said “Yes.” When asked what kind of minivan I would buy, I could not come up with even one example until they prompted me with, “Well, how about a Dodge Caravan?” Miraculously, I still qualified.

I would like to say it took me a while to warm up to the Caravan given my history. But after my half-hour tour of all its many charms, I was in love. Just like that, a convert. It was like living those many years pro-Diet Coke, only to have a swig of the enemy – Diet Pepsi – and to never look back.

It was just so convenient. With its power sliding doors, trunk, everything, the two LCD screens with accompanying DVD players, SIRIUS Satellite TV and Radio, the GPS to confirm just how lost I can become, the swivel seating system that allowed rear-seat passengers to swivel around to face each other while accommodating a stoable center table. IMG 8157 And not to be forgotten is the rear video camera that transmitted to the dashboard LCD screen, letting me see exactly what I was going to hit whilst backing up.

My husband says he has not seen a sell-out like this since The Simpson’s Krusty the Clown turned corporate.

We took my new love down to Colorado Springs and traveling with the kids was seamless. Imagine that: a seamless road trip. I never thought that possible.

During my week-long love affair, I still had this nagging feeling that I was selling out on my coolness. But then came my epiphany:

I am an unshowered mother of two children and my days of being cool are over.

Thanks, Dodge.

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor

The Broadmoor = Kiddy Heaven

December 10, 2007 by Amber

During my career as an adventure-travel writer, my accommodations ranged from the most opulent mountain lodges to the cold, hard ground. And to be honest, I loved them equally.

Until I gave birth.

And then camping involved wrestling young children away from the fire pit and sleepless nights in the tent as they howled like insomniac wolves. Given my passion for the outdoors, I hope to someday return to the extreme backcountry with them. Like maybe when they are 20.

In the meantime, I have been on a quest to find family-friendly accommodations and will highlight a different destination each month.

My latest pursuit led me to The Broadmoor. You know, that one hotel in Colorado Springs that has been the nation’s longest continuous winner of the Mobile Five-Star and AAA Five Diamond Awards. I did an online search for travel reviews and stumbled upon a crotchety old man who described The Broadmoor’s influx of children and activities as “Kiddy Hell.”

It was then I knew it would be my heaven.

We stayed at The Broadmoor for the first time on Saturday. We are generally not 5-star folks but I am a firm believer that the occasional splurge is good for the soul. And it seemed like such a pity to have never been to a legendary hotel practically in our backyard that places such an emphasis on children.

December in particular is a family-oriented month and we dove into a variety of activities, starting with Breakfast with Santa. It was located on a beautiful set in the ballroom complete with Santa, Mrs. Claus, elves and enough calories to last until Christmas. This was my brazen daughter Hadley’s first visit of the season with Santa and she has been prepping for weeks.

But as we approached the stage, she choked. Ever the concerned mother, I thought only of our requisite annual shot with The Man in Red and hissed,

“If you ever want another present from Santa again, you WILL get up there.”

I just wonder how I will convince her to still do it when she’s 20.

Maybe it will be during one of our camping trips.

From there, it was onto cookie decorating, a quick stop in The Little Theatre for a showing of “A Christmas Story,” and the highlight of the day: storytime with Mrs. Claus. I have been to my fair share of children’s shows and storytimes but I have never encountered anyone as engaging and hilarious as Mrs. “Beth Epley” Claus, who has been performing her songs and stories at The Broadmoor for 19 years. She has children who return every year to see her and she was the highlight of our weekend. Well, she and the Kobe beef at the Tavern restaurant. I do have my priorities.

Even though The Broadmoor is 89 years old, it only took Saturday’s storm to leave the expansive grounds looking renewed with a delicious frosting of snow. The snowflakes whirled around us in a flurry of white, like pigment seeping into paper. The children were mesmerized – and cold – so we hit the indoor pool at The Broadmoor Spa.

After splashing around for a while, we stopped to admire our luxurious surroundings as my husband Jamie proclaimed:

“Hadley, this is what it looks like on the other side of the tracks.”

And I am so glad to have caught a glimpse.

(Originally published at Mile High Mamas).

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, travel Tagged With: Broadmoor

Party All the Time

October 29, 2007 by Amber

Reader beware: there will be an inordinate amount of pictures posted this week because this is what happens in the life of a Halloween-obsessed person. Last weekend, we trunk-or-treated and partied.

There were also fall walks-

Pumpkin patch fun-

And cute babies in general.

And not to be forgotten is Haddie’s 3rd annual Halloween party (which inspired yet another one of Hunky Hubby’s great profundities).

=========================

On Friday, my daughter threw her third annual Halloween bash that included an inordinate amount of hairspray and the disturbing confirmation: Like Mother, Like Daughter. [Insert evil cackle here.]

We also played games such as Pin the Nose on the Pumpkin, indulged in devilish epicurean creations including my green slime chocolate fountain, read a haunting story with Dora the Explorer who made a celebrity appearance and had a free-for-all civilized candy hunt in our backyard.

No children were harmed in the throwing of the celebration. However, there was one tired mama at the end of it all. Between the party, trips and the continuous barrage of Rockies games, it has been a very long time since we have just stayed home and relaxed.

I called my husband to ask if we could do just that. Now, something you need to understand is he is usually the one who, after his long work day, is harassed by your truly to go out. This time, The Man took full advantage of our role reversal.

“…and so I thought we could just stay in tonight.”

“Stay in, Amber? We’ve done nothing but stay in. I want to go play”

“But I’m really tired.”

“Tired? Aren’t you the one who always says ‘I am sick of being at home. We need to go out and do something. The kids need a break. Let’s go for a walk. Super Target is having a sale. Let’s go spy on the neighbors. Blah blah blah blah blah.’”

Note: The Man’s mimicking was executed in a high-pitched voice that I assure you I do not possess. Except for when it was a particularly shrill-inducing kind of day.

After several minutes of this, I finally sighed and waved my white flag.

“OK, Jamie you win. So what do you want to do? ”

“Nothing.”

Filed Under: Bode, Hadley, holidays, Humor Tagged With: Halloween

Breckenridge or Bust Part II

October 25, 2007 by Amber

Jamie’s wonderful family is very different from my own. The Canuck Clan has always been active and outings revolved around camping or water-skiing in sub-zero temperatures. Because with two weeks of summer you just have to make concessions.

On the other hand, Jamie’s clan are homebodies and most gatherings revolve around food, relaxing and well, more food. What makes this perplexing is they are all tall, skinny metabolic wonders with bodies like the very stars and stripes upon which this country was built.

The Canucks? Think maple leaves.

When Jamie’s family arrived in Breckenridge on Saturday, we ate, relaxed and ate some more. Now, don’t get me wrong–I have absolutely nothing against relaxing. I think I even did it once back in 1986. But when we invited them to come play in the snow with us, our invitation was greeted with blank stares that implied my little half-breeds and I suffer from a permanent brain freeze. What? People actually choose to touch that stuff?

When it came to hot tubbing, the whole famn damily excelled (possibly because it involved relaxing?) It would have also involved hot chocolate if it were not for my dear hubby’s communication blunder. Call me crazy but when a man offers to “Go make everyone some hot chocolate,” wouldn’t you also assume he was going to make and deliver it? He somehow forgot to disclose he was going to take a shower and run a marathon in the interim. When we finally gave up, I had a new appreciation for the grape-to-prune evolution.

As payback, I later snuck a three-foot-long icicle into his bathwater. OK, maybe “snuck” is a bit of an overstatement. More like lugged the frigid beast and hoisted it into the tub, ignoring his protests. It was a small payback for the many ice cubes that have somehow found their way down my back over the years.

As much fun as I had [relaxing and eating] with the family, I most enjoyed my alone time with Jamie on Friday. The gourmet buffalo fillets he grilled for us:

And the Rockstar Energy drink. I joked that we were there to chill. Why on earth would we need an energy drink?

I found out later that night.

(Note: no relaxation involved. 🙂

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, Jamie, outdoors, travel

Breckenridge or Bust Part I

October 24, 2007 by Amber

This will be one of my memorable two-part series. One might assume it is due to the length and the inordinate amount of pictures, which would be true. But the real reason is I accidentally deleted the rest of the #$&#*& post and will have to rewrite it tomorrow.

Our weekend in Breckenridge was whimsical, relaxing and fun. The cabin Jamie rented was absolutely gorgeous and cost us the equivalent of a trip to Hawaii. Well, without the airfare.

We lazed around all Friday afternoon gazing out the vaulted windows at the Ten Mile Range. He later cooked me a gourmet meal and we indulged in Crepes a la Cart in Breck for dessert. Oh, and did I mention it was a pumpkin crepe? Evidently, I have issues.

The next morning, we snuggled in bed watching a movie. This was not just any movie. This was the movie of my youth – Stealing Home starring Jodie Foster and Mark Harmon. Never heard of it? Nobody has so I was shocked/thrilled when I discovered it in the cabin’s collection.

It took me back to when my three best friends and I repeatedly watched it in high school, falling deeper and deeper in love with William McNamara (one of the stars) every time. And how Rachel, the evil wench, sent away for an autographed picture of Billy Boy. She then proceeded to frame and lust over it on her bed stand while I had to slog through life with my woosy Ralph Macchio poster.

When we eventually detached ourselves from the cabin and Billy Boy (just don’t tell Jamie), we hiked Baker Tank Trail in the snow and 4X4ed Boreas Pass. It was such a throwback to my former life except the views are that much more rewarding when trailing my hubby from behind. 🙂

Day two, Jamie’s family arrived with the kids. I had painstakingly packed The Kitchen Sink for them. Unfortunately, Grandma only brought the drain because she somehow forgot all their winter clothes.

Because why would we need boots in a winter wonderland

Oh, and did I mention it snowed 10 inches Saturday night?

To be continued tomorrow….

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor, Jamie, outdoors, travel

A Sneak Peak at Our Revolutionary Best-Selling Parenting Book

October 22, 2007 by Amber

I never fancied myself to be a ballerina, which is particularly ironic since I’m walking on my tiptoes a lot these days. And also on egg shells.

My daughter Hurricane Hadley has become a tyrant. When I offer suggestions for a snack, I brace myself for the unleashing of how dare I even suggest something so unthinkable as apples. When I pretend to turn her into a princess with my magic wand, I am sent to the dungeons because I held the wand at the wrong angle. Anything sets her off, which makes me wonder if she has some kind of chemical imbalance.

Or if it’s the fact that she’s turning three years old this month.

I had heard from some that the 3s were worse than the 2s. Doubting Thomas that I am, I didn’t buy in. And now here I am: sold out.

We recently had a good day with what I would consider to be a reasonable amount of T.O.N. (Tantrums Over Nothing). We were sitting on our leather sofa watching out the window for my husband Jamie to come home. I looked down at how precious she was being and decided she needed some positive reinforcement.

“You know, Mommy is so happy with how sweet you’ve been today. Thank you for being so nice to your brother Bode and me.”

Within seconds, seconds people, she started acting up and it did not stop the rest of the night.

As we were eating dinner, she miraculously downed most of the curry chicken phyllos I made and I decided again: positive reinforcement.

“Haddie, what a great eater you’re being tonight!”

Within milliseconds, milliseconds people, she choked out her food and spewed it all over the floor. Jamie looked at me dubiously.

“Hey Amber. Here’s a new parenting strategy for you. How about ditch this positive reinforcement crap and STOP WITH THE COMPLIMENTS.”

We’ll begin our book tour next month.

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Hadley, Humor, Jamie

Dumb and Dumber: Mile-High Style

September 24, 2007 by Amber

There are some mornings when I wakeup and feel indomitable. Coincidentally, these are the same mornings I received minimal sleep. The result is a veritable delusion of grandeur.

I had a summer of these. Hey, why not ~~climb~~ ~~limp~~ crawl up Colorado’s highest peak? Or better yet, let’s bike 24 miles in the mountains hauling the kids. Gee, that sounds like fun!

Last week was no different.

I decided to bike the Clear Creek Trail along Highway 58 from the I-70 junction to Lion’s Park in Golden. Hauling the kids. Uphill. Both ways.

Now, let’s see. Child #1: 35 pounds + Child #2: 23 pounds + 15-pound Chariot carrier + everything including the kitchen sink to keep the kids entertained = a tabulation I care not to compute. Why would I? I lived every stinkin’ pound of it.

I will spare you the gory details but in the end, we miraculously made it. Well, at least the kids did.

I’m sure my remains are still somewhere along the trail….

Blasted from the Past

I should have learned my lesson. Admittedly, these same delusions led me to roller-blade that path a couple of years ago. A path that contained the same hills but with different challenges. On a bike, the climbs are arduous. On blades? Quite the opposite.

I had started out strong on my blades. Smooth, powerful strokes. I was completely alone on the trail, which I love. But then I encountered hill No. 1. No problem. My pace slowed a bit but I triumphantly summited.

Then came Hill No. 2, then No. 3. All was fine and dandy until it came time to turn around.

But then came the “Ohhhhhhhh fudge” (I blame Ralphie from The Christmas Story).

During my jubilation of conquering the trail, I hadn’t realized how truly steep my ascent was. For those who have ever been on roller-blades, stopping while careening 100 miles an hour down a hill can be problematic. For me, it proved to catastrophic. Because in addition to the steep hills, there were also signs everywhere with the squiggly arrow (the official road-sign term, I’m sure). You know, the one that says “You’re dead if you don’t follow the hairpin curves.”

The rest of the story was not pretty. What ticks me off is do you think anyone witnessed my triumphant ascent? Nooooooooo. But now bikers started coming out of the woodwork as I desperately clutched the railing, my legs wedged in a ~~snow~~ asphalt-plow.

In the end, I only suffered a few scrapes and a bruised ego. But worry not, after these two sordid experiences I have certainly learned my lesson.

Until my next episode of sleep deprivation, that is.

Filed Under: Colorado, Family travel, Humor

Dumb and Dumber: Mile High-style

September 22, 2007 by Amber

There are some mornings that I wakeup and feel indomitable. Coincidentally, these are the same mornings I received miminal sleep. The result is a veritable delusion of grandeur.

I had a summer of these. Hey, why not climb..limp crawl up Colorado’s highest peak? Or better yet, let’s bike 25 miles in the mountains hauling the kids. Gee, that sounds like fun!

Last week was no different.

I decided to bike the Clear Creek Trail along Highway 58 from the I-70 junction to Lion’s Park in Golden. Hauling the kids. Uphill. Both ways.

Now, let’s see. Child #1: 32 pounds + Child #2: 23 pounds + 15-pound Chariot carrier + everything including the kitchen sink to keep the kids entertained = a tabulation I care not to compute. Why would I? I lived every stinkin’ pound of it.

I will spare you the gory details but in the end, we miraculously made it. Well, at least the kids did.

Blasted from the Past

I should have learned my lesson from when these same delusions led me to roller-blade that path a couple of years ago. I had started out strong. Smooth, powerful strokes. I was completely alone on the trail, which I love. But then I encountered hill #1. No problem. My pace slowed a bit but I triumphantly summited.

Then came Hill #2, then #3. All was fine and dandy until it came time to turn around.

But then came the “Ohhhhhhhh fudge” (I blame Ralphie from The Christmas Story).

In the end, I only suffered a few scrapes and a bruised ego. But worry not, after these two sordid experiences I have certainly learned my lesson.

Until my next episode of sleep deprivation, that is.

Filed Under: biking, Bode, Colorado, Favorite Posts, Hadley, Humor

Tasting Colorado

September 2, 2007 by Amber

Happy Labor Day weekend!

Or at least it will be after I have thrown my final party for the ward tomorrow: a Labor Day breakfast. Yes, friends. The heavens didst shine upon me yesterday and I have been released as the Party Princess Extraordinaire. I will now be playing the piano for the Primary a.k.a. Youngins, which I will gladly do so long as it does not involve eggs. Of any variety.

On Saturday, we attended a huge party in downtown Denver: A Taste of Colorado. We toured around the hundreds of overpriced booths, gorged ourselves in sub-par BBQ, danced on the tables and got the children sauced.

We also had a grand ol’ time rocking out to a live band, Night Ranger. I couldn’t tell you even one hit song they had back in the 80s but Jamie seemed determined to relive his youth. I indulged him by enthusiastically nodding every time he exclaimed, “They’re tight, they’re still tight after all these years.”

This is Jamie’s way of thinking he sounds like some cool music aficionado.

I debated showing my support by throwing my bra onstage but I just didn’t think my nursing bra I should have retired ages ago would have done the trick. Then again, has-beens breed has-beens.

Bubby got into it by inventing moves we didn’t know he had. Moves that entailed the flailing of just one arm. I called it The I’m Drowning to the Beat of the Music dance.

We kept vowing to leave unless we heard a song we actually recognized. It didn’t happen and so when there was a delay between sets we started walking out. But then they started playing again.

“Hey wait, Jamie. I recognize this song!”

“That’s became they just played it.”

Apparently the kids weren’t the only ones.

Filed Under: Bode, Colorado, Family, Hadley, Humor