Jamie has a lot of perks at his job, which usually manifest themselves by way of concert or sporting event tickets. The other day, his boss gave him tickets for the Rockies game. I am not usually a baseball fan but make the exception when I can sit in the cushy company suite and gorge myself on baseball fare. Only this time, we weren’t given suite tickets but rather the CEO’s $135 seats behind home-plate.

The only thing we were bummed about was the lack of free food at our disposal. So, we arrived early and downed a crappy Rockies dog (Jamie) and a chipotle chicken sandwich (me). Twenty bucks later, we made our way down to our seats. Down, down, down. We just kept going and going until we reached a little gated-off area and were shocked as we continued to the floor. Our seats were on row 2, directly behind the team owner.

As we got ready to settle in, an usher told us we needed to grab some wristbands and dinner was waiting for us in the clubhouse. Huh? We did as we were told, winding through the tunnel until we came upon an oasis of fine-dining right there below the stadium. Mounds of food in a complimentary gourmet buffet were presented to us–seared salmon, succulent steak, epicurean salads, delicious veggies, and a sensuous dessert bar that never ended. Jamie and I took one look at each other in disgust at having just forked over $20 for a sub-par mezzanine meal and proceeded to devour everything in sight.

When we eventually finished, the game had already started. Once in our seats,a waiter approached and gave us yet another menu–this time detailing free food items from the all-you-can eat grill and snack bar: burgers, pizza,brats, nachos, ice cream. The list went on. ‘Twas quite the eye-opening experience re: how the upper tier lives. While you’re mortaging yourself for a hotdog, they’re livin’ the high life.

We barely made it out of the game. Oh yeah, the game. I think we lost. But I was too busy staring at the rock on the owner’s trophy wife’s hand and ordering “a double” Ben & Jerry’s Sundae Cup. After this experience, forget my Canuckian roots as a hockey devotee; Take Me Out to (or would that be roll me out of) the Ball Game….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

My week started out pretty typical. Haddie and I always kick start our day by doing two aerobics programs on TV: Denise Austin and Body Electric. Saying I do two programs makes me sound like a buff pregnant lady but be ye not deceived because:

1) I evily fast-forward through the commercials as Denise annoyingly chirps, “Now don’t you stop, I’ll be right back!!” and I always skip the cool-downs as well. It’s my own private rebellion.
2) I figure that my half-hour workout plus whatever cardio I get during the day probably burns about 300 of the 8,000 daily calories I’m consuming.

So, my friend Tina and I went for a long walk on Tuesday for the cardio-portion of my day. We stopped to let the kids play in the park afterwards, during which time I took a potty break. As usual. Only problem is, there was some blood, which many as you know is NOT good when pregnant. There wasn’t a lot of it but just enough for me to call the doc who insisted on seeing me that afternoon.

I honestly wasn’t too worried about a miscarriage because I could still feel the baby squirming around and I didn’t have any cramping or other such symptoms. And I was right. She did an ultrasound to make sure everything is in working order, during which time we got a CLEAR view that I am, indeed having a boy (but this didn’t stop me from calling Jamie and nearly gave him a heart attack when I told him the opposite–payback).

As it turns out, I have a bacterial infection and they prescribed some antibiotics. The other problems is that my placenta is the the wrong place against my cervix, which is causing the bleeding and could cause pre-term labor. For this reason, she scheduled me for another ultrasound with the tech on Friday. Just to be safe, she told me to limit my activities until after my ultrasound.

“So, you mean I can’t go on that hike in Boulder I was planning tomorrow?” I joked.

“Certainly not!!!” she snapped with a steely glare. She then added, “Oh, and no intercourse, either.”

“Bummer. Hey, can I get that in writing?”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

Jamie was home sick recently when he announced to me, “Today is officially the worst day of my life!”

The worst day ever? Worse than when he got cancer? Had heart surgery? Had his heart broken by one of those worthless girls he dated before me?

Concerned, I responded, “That’s horrible! What has happened?”

He then pointed to The Hurricane. “Not only does she dominate the remote but she has an opinion about what I can and cannot watch. My History Channel has now been replaced by Ernie and Tinky Winky.”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

I’ve had many concerned inquiries re: Haddie’s reaction to her Binky’s “vacation.” So here’s the 12-step program our little addict has been undergoing this week.

Day 1: Jamie did the “snip-snip.” No, this is not in reference to the procedure he will reluctantly undergo when our child-bearing years have passed. But rather, he snipped the end off of Binky. We then left it out in an obvious place and waited with baited breath as she approached. Predictably, she jumped right on it, as she often does when she makes a non-sleepytime Binky discovery. But after a few sucks, she took it out to observe, and then tried to put it in her mouth in a few different positions (sideways, backwards, etc.) She then made the proclamation “Broke” and threw it on the ground. We thought that was the end of it. We were wrong.

When it came nap-time, that is where the true levels of her addiction were revealed. Not only did she lay hysterically in my arms for almost two hours, she was just like a heroin addict going into withdrawals. Her entire body shaking, she screeched, “Binky, binky, binky” over and over again. It took everything that was in me to not give in as I kept picturing them mocking her at her High School Graduation ceremonies if she was still sucking on that thing.
Day 2: Nightmarish Nap-time Part II. Haddie makes her first suicide attempt. I put her in her crib after a half hour of snuggles and comforting her, with the resolve to let her cry it out. This seemed to be working. Until I heard the loud BAM! in the next room. I rushed in there and yep, she had launched out of her crib for the first time with a big ol’ goose egg to show for it. She claimed in no uncertain terms that life was not worth living if she couldn’t have Binky. There were no naps that day, either.

Day 3: Same pattern: snuggles, cry it out (with the prayer she would not launch out of her crib), only this time she went to sleep. Well, for only 15 minutes mind you. She started crying and though I was tempted to let her fuss it out, maternal instinct took over and I went in. She was covered from head-to-toe in her own vomit. Possibly part of the withdrawal program as she puked up almost two year’s worth of plastic inhalation? I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening cleaning up her incessant puke and diarrhea fest. Seven loads of laundry later, I passed out at the end of the night.

Day 4: Grandma Day. THANKFULLY. I was a nervous wreck and after going for a hike (a.k.a. Pregnant Lady Waddle) to relieve my stress, I spent the afternoon sleeping.

Day 5: Went down with little fuss and only asked for Binky periodically throughout the day.

Day 6: Now only speaks fondly of Binky, like he was a dear, dear friend from her distant past. Until Baby comes along and the thefts begin.

Inevitably, To Be Continued….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

Since Haddie was born, our family tradition has been to snuggle before bedtime and review our day’s activities. Of course since she just recently began talking, our conversations were previously rather one-sided (which I didn’t actually mind because I would always answer myself with things I wanted to hear.) If all conversations could be so agreeable, non?

Now that she has started talking, I get a real kick out of her responses to my questions. On Sue’s last night in town, we were all kicking back and I was drilling Hadley about her day. Now, something you should know is that we consumed some food that caused frequent errr…outbursts. The only difference is that Sue’s were more audible and frequent than anyone else’s. And because we’re great hosts, Haddie and I would make a huge production every time Sue would pass gas. Haddie would squeal “Ewwww!” and jump into my arms, as if I had a magic protective shield against all poisonous gases (we are obviously not above embarrassing our poor house-guests, y’know?)

So, we’re reviewing our day and talking about our tasty breakfast and fun time at the playground. When I mentioned Sue, I intended to talk about her amazing sewing abilities or Lucas….until Haddie interjected with her true impressions: “EWWWWWWWW!”

How sweet. Isn’t that how everyone wants to be remembered?

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

A couple of years ago, my mom bought me a foreign object. Something brilliantly white with lots of cool buttons and lights. It even had a gas pedal. When I looked at her perplexed, she explained, “It’s a sewing machine!” Ohhhhh!

Obviously, sewing ain’t my forte. It’s not that my mom and grandma didn’t try to develop my domestic prowess. When most kids are getting sent to their rooms for bad behavior, this tomboy was sent to the kitchen. Suffice it to say, I spent most of my childhood there. Sewing is out of the question. A wave of nausea still comes over me whenever I get within 20 feet of a fabric store.

So when Sue came to visit last week, I knew I had to solicit her help. She has been sewing for more than 20 years and actually enjoys it. Imagine that! One of the few things that helped Haddie jump from 2 hours to a whopping 4-hour stretch of sleep was this little miracle blanket called a sleep sack. A friend gave it to me when Haddie was six months old and it did wonders. The only problem is no one sells this little fleece sleeping bag and Haddie already established there is NO WAY she is giving up her blankie for some new kid who’s going to draw Grandma’s attentions away from her.

Enter, Sue. I innocently brought up the subject shortly after her arrival and she looked at me suspiciously, “You don’t want me to sew it, do you?” “Ohhhhh no!” I generously told her I just needed “guidance.” Yeah, right.

And so I brought the sewing machine out of the catacombs and plugged it in. And then she warily watched me as I searched for the power button. When I finally located it after about five minutes, I did a victory dance. It was then that she knew just how bad off we were. And how long the process would inevitably take with my pedal to the metal so she reluctantly volunteered. Victory!

But then came regret. That’s all it took? Displaying my utter and complete incompetence upfront? If only I’d figured out this strategy years ago; it would’ve saved me countless hours of futile Domestic-Diva-in-Training sessions.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

One year later: who’s harassing whom?

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

I will not be able to post pictures of Lucas and Hadley until Sue forwards some to me. The reason for this is because he was crying in every single picture I took during their three-day visit. This is not an exaggeration. In the bathtub. At the park. In our backyard after the meltdown that The Neighborhood heard alllllll about when we made him share Haddie’s car. There was lots ‘o crying. I have photographic evidence to prove it.

Don’t get me wrong: he has transformed from an ugly-man newborn into a cute toddler. But he has this unsettling habit of screeching at the top of his lungs. To his defense, he was off his schedule (according to Sue). But that didn’t stop her from going on the offense whenever he’d start freaking out with the most blood-curdling scream you’ve ever heard. Her tactic? Much to my amusement, she’d spray him in the face with a little water bottle, which always seemed to temporarily work. For about one-hundredth of a millisecond.

I don’t really blame the kid because he definitely had his sweet moments…I just look at his beloved mother. Part of our history has been of me dragging her up mountains and down ski-slopes as I endure a barrage of threats and complaints. Yesterday was no different. Due to my delicate condition, I merely took her for a walk around a beautiful park. A walk. And yet still the barrage of complaints came: “He’s too heavy to push.” [Oh really? He’s only 1 lb heavier than Hadley.] “My shoes hurt.” “My stroller is too short for my legs.” I finally intervened and observed that a 6-month pregnant Beluga Whale was creaming her slimmed-down behind. “Yeah, well, you do this more than I.” What? Walk? I finally started fake coughing and not-so subtly inserted the word “Blog” in there. “Nooooo, you can’t blog about this,” she pleaded. Why not? She was one of my favorite exploits during my travel-writing daze.

There were good times during her visit, too. Like when Haddie and Lucas were throwing fits at the same time. Or when they’d beat each other up as they fought over her toys. Or the blessed, blessed times-outs. Or when Haddie woke up about five times every night because she dropped her @#$#@$ pacifier. I have consequently begun prepping her that, like Daddy, her beloved Binky will be going on a “trip” this week. Only Binky’s extended vacation will be very, very different. Don’t think sandy beaches but rather compost and trash. Of course I hope to have her convinced that Binky is out sipping Pina Coladas with walks in the rain by week’s end.

To Be Continued in the Lucas/Sue Series: The Revenge of the Sewing Machine, Jesus’ Bathroom Habits and What Hadley Really Thinks of Sue Revealed

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

My friend, Sue, is flying in for a few days from Utah today to keep me company while Jamie is gone. Sue and I go waaaaay back to our missionary days in Geneva, Switzerland. We only served together for a month but got to know each other really well. Something about living in a shoebox (due to astronomical rent) and surviving her funny but sharp tongue (she’s one of those folks who always tells it like it is.) I.e. the last time I saw her, she delightfully announced, “Ewww, you have grey in your hair!” Yeah, nice to see you, too. I am sure it will not escape her that, for the first time, I am fatter than her (she just dropped 60 pounds). Of course, the Michelin Man is skinnier than I these days.

Sue will be bringing her little boy, Lucas, in tow. He’s a couple of months younger than Hadley and I’m excited to have a playmate for her. Sue came to visit when he was a couple of months old and was still in that I’m-an-old-man-newborn-with-an-ugly-mullet-and-bald-spot-stage. Now, now, before I start getting comments that “All babies are precious blah blah blah,” yes I agree. But the vast majority of newborns are not cute. I’d even go as far as to say the are ugly. Even Gerber model Hadley had mottled skin and scrawny legs upon birth. Oh, and she cried most of her waking moments. Crying is not cute in my book.
The funny thing is that Sue was in denial. She had already given birth to a beautiful baby girl a couple of years prior but had it in her head that Lucas was, well, cute. He was not. We were driving somewhere with her when she mentioned she’d had a bunch of pictures taken of Lucas. Perplexed, she said, “I just can’t figure out why they didn’t turn out. I guess he’s just not very photogenic.” Jamie and I coughed back our laughter and bit our sarcastic tongues on that one.

I am happy to announce that now at 20 months old, Lucas has allegedly foregone all heretofore ugliness. Of course, I haven’t actually seen him in over a year but she’s sent me some cute pictures.

Of course, there’s always the possiblity of being Photoshopped….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog

Jamie’s on a roll these days. The latest installment of “What Not to Say to your Pregnant Wife When She’s Stuck at Home in the Snow with a Moody Toddler While You’re Sunning Yourself at an All-Inclusive Florida Beach for ‘Business.'”

“Hey, you guys would LOVE this place. If I’d known just how amazing it would be, I’d have just gone ahead and sprung for the extra plane ticket.”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog