Country Roads to Evergreen Lake

Our normally tight-knit neighborhood has gone into hibernation this winter. In an attempt to rally the troops, I sent an email inviting them to come skating at Evergreen Lake on Saturday. No one could come but I was saddened that half of them did not even bother to respond.

They could have just dropped me a note stating, “I would rather die than be seen skating with you in public.”

That would have been the polite thing to do. 🙂

It was their loss. Jamie, the kids and I prefaced our outdoor adventure by having breakfast at Country Road Cafe in Kittredge.

From their nine different kinds of eggs benedicts to the famous smashed mashes, this place was love at first sight. Jamie has never deviated from their gargantuan breakfast burrito, the kids adore the fluffy, stuffed pancakes and this time, I experimented with their egg, tomato and cream cheese sausage wrap with roasted red pepper sauce (excuse me while I wipe the tears of joy from my eyes).

From there, it was onto Evergreen Lake – my favorite place to skate in Colorado. I was thrilled because this would be my 3-year-old daughter’s first time on ice skates. Growing up in Canada, I was introduced to skating shortly after leaving the womb. I was raised gliding along frozen lakes, rivers and even our garden that we turned into a rink. When growing up on tundra, you learn very quickly that pretty much anywhere is skatable and that frozen nose hairs are a fashion statement.

Such was not the case on Saturday with our 58-degree temperatures. I thought the balmy weather would be ideal with two little ones but with sun comes slush. And every few feet, our skates sunk into the ice because of it.

Or it could have been due to the extra 30 pounds I gained over Christmas.

Despite the poor conditions, Hadley was a champ and learned to balance herself very quickly. With my assistance, she tentatively took her first steps and started gliding and weaving as she bossed me around.

Pretty much, it was like any typical day in the Johnson household.

After a while, she needed a break. Jamie and I loaded the kids onto sleds and we flew across the ice as we whipped them around in circles.

Or at least we would have had we not been skating through a Slurpee. For the first time, I caught a glimpse of what those poor sled dogs experience in the Iditarod.

And ascertained that is probably why the driver always shouts out, “Mush.”

How to ruin a friend’s final day of vacation without even being there

Reason #5,305 why you would want to be my friend

My friend Lisa has been in Disneyland with her family for the holidays. She was supposed to arrive home Tuesday night so I called her early the next morning to see if we were going to workout together during our daughters’ dance class.

“Hello?” she croaked.
“You’re not awake, are you? I take it you’re not coming today?”
“We’re still in California. Today is our last day of vacation.”
Ohhhhh no. And I just woke up the whole family, didn’t I?”
“Yep.”

You’re welcome, Lisa.

P.S. Oh, I meant to say why you would not want to be my friend.

Reason #4,620 why you would not want this irrational man as your father

“Hadley, so help me if you break that I am taking money out of your piggy bank to replace it.”

“Jamie, she doesn’t have a piggy bank.”

“Well, I’ll get her one AND THEN I’LL TAKE IT OUT!!!!!”

Reason #245,020 I am THE BEST wife ever

The following is what to say to your husband when he arrives home late after a long day at work and you have eaten all but a small slice of his dinner:

“Welcome home, honey! Remember that story of Jesus and the loaves and the fishes?….”

Marriage’s Great Deceptions

On behalf of Mile High Mamas, welcome back!

After a wonderful, relaxing Christmas “it” occurred on December 26th – the day I confirmed that maybe I am not losing my mind. And for anyone who has ever been there, lost that, you know exactly what I mean.

Case #1:

My favorite cookie sheet has been missing for months. A sturdy, heavy-duty hunk of metal that has been the conduit through which I have brought many calorie-filled wonders into being. And into my being.

I have greatly mourned its loss. My husband Jamie has known about my devastation. I even debated buying a new cookie sheet whilst in the throes of all my holiday baking but held off because I just couldn’t bear the thought of replacing it.

Case #2:

In the past, a favorite practice of mine was dumping a gallon of drinking water on my lap whilst driving. Until Jamie bought me a glorious CamelBak water bottle, which, in my many years of water-bottle dumpage, is the only one that has never leaked.

Our affair was glorious. Each morning as I drove the kids around town, I lovingly sucked my malleable mouthpiece and never once did even a drop of water escape.

Until I lost the straw.

For those unfamiliar with the CamelBak waterbottle, the straw is to the bottle as the husband is to deception.

Confused? Keep reading.

Revelation#1:

Fast forward to December 26th. Our Christmas tree had been dead for weeks and I could not bear to look at it for another moment. Despite the fact that I had a killer sinus infection and a house littered with new toys, THE TREE HAD TO COME DOWN (you know what I mean if you’ve ever had those moments).

After the last light strand was unstrung and the last ornament unceremoniously dumped in a bag with the promise of future organization, Jamie removed the tree. He went to dump the water out of the tree stand when he stopped. And he called out:

“Hey, Amber. Remember that straw you’ve been missing?”
“Yes.”
“It would seem that maybe I might have kind of well, you know possibly used your CamelBak to water the tree and maybe just possibly your straw might have fallen into the tree stand.”

My beloved straw. Drowning in tree sap all these weeks. No wonder there was a death. (Of the tree that is; Jamie’s future is yet to be determined.)

Revelation #2:

Remember the sinus infection? Later that day, I was down in The Dungeon of Despair attempting to locate the lifetime supply of tissue boxes I recently purchased from Costco. I didn’t find the tissues but when I gazed up, up, up to the top of our storage shelves, I caught a glimpse of a glimmering beacon. A beacon that distinctly resembled my beloved hunk of metal.

I joyfully reached up, only to discover displaced pumpkin seeds reposing on my cookie sheet. Or rather, intentionally placed pumpkin seeds BY MY AWARD-WINNING, PUMPKIN-OBSESSED HUSBAND WHO KNOWS I HAVE BEEN PULLING MY HAIR OUT FOR MONTHS ABOUT THIS DISAPPEARANCE.

And yes, there just may have been the first reported case of Abuse By Pumpkin Seeds had he not promptly (and wisely) removed them.

The only good thing that came out of my findings of December 26th is that I assuredly, certifiably am not losing my mind.

P.S. Now, if I could just find Jamie’s lost Christmas present….

Jesus Junior and a Mommy Blogger Boycott

This holiday has been an anomaly for us. I can’t remember the last time Jamie took the week off work and we actually stayed home. It was probably back when we were pregnant with Haddie and living with Jamie’s parents while our house was being built.

Over Christmas, they went to Utah for a week. Relishing in our solitude, we dragged the futon upstairs and proceeded to watch back-to-back episodes of The Lord of the Rings (a series I had hitherto despised). We viewed about 20 hours of it, including allll the supplementary materials.

We sure knew how to party.

And still do, evidently. After all the Christmas parties were over, the presents opened and the food devoured, we painted. Oh, lo did we paint.


Our bedroom is mostly finished and completely devoid of any toys or messes. Now, all we have to do is clean up the hall.


My Husband: Jesus Junior

The days leading up to Christmas were so chaotic that by Christmas Eve, we were positively wiped. When I queried Jamie about our plan for the next day, he said he wanted to just lie around.

I poked fun at him, asking if that is what Jesus would do. Jamie’s response? “That’s all Jesus did do on that first Christmas: sleep and eat. We should all follow his fine example.”

And evidently Jamie’s as well.

Girl’s Night In

I boycotted Girl’s Night In with Jamie’s mom and sisters. I would have been in great company but my reasoning was three-fold:

1) I wasn’t feeling well.

2) Their choice of entertainment. They planned to watch TLC’s marathon of What Not to Wear. I liken viewing any such show to the very worst form of Chinese torture, only it is executed by stylish gay men or self-righteous women.

3) I was vehemently compelled to boycott on behalf of people everywhere who choose What Not to Wear every day of their life. Anyone with me on this? Stand tall, be proud! Someday, sweatpants will rule the world!

Join me next time on the slippery slope of of, well, the slopes and the joys of family photos.

P.S. How was YOUR Christmas?

Merry Christmas

This year, we will be celebrating a Colorado Christmas! It is a bit of a relief to just BE, especially after the calamities of last year’s Canadian commute (which included a huge blizzard that crippled Denver for a few days and almost made Jamie miss Christmas with us).

However, I will be homesick for The Motherland. A few years ago, I compiled this Top 10 List of Favorite Things about Christmas in Canada.

10. The Left-Right Game on Christmas Eve. A time when it is confirmed we would never win any I.Q. contests as we struggle to tell the difference between our left and right hand.
9. Tobogganing and giving ourselves icy en*mas as we shoot down the steep gully near our house. Followed by hot chocolate in front of a REAL wood-burning fireplace.
8. The year my brother Patrick and I snuck out to open our Grease 8-track
and played it 100X before anyone even got out of bed. Oh, and the nifty shag carpet and lime-green wallpaper in all our pictures.
7. Cross-country skiing in sub-zero temperatures on the golf course across the street. Nothing like snorting frozen nose hairs for the holidays.
6. Playing the bells on Christmas Eve. A confirmation that not only are we
not musically inclined but we somehow seem to get worse every year.
5. Conservative and shy Dad performing the Polish 12 Days of Christmas.
Hilarious even if you’re not numbered among the chosen Pollacks of this
world.
4. Ice skating for miles along the “Bow Liver” (as mispronounced by Dad’s
good Chinese friend).
3. Spending THE ONLY two Christmases with your honey in Canada praying to the porcelain gods as you vehemently puke up Mom’s cooking that you had craved all year. Thanks, Norwalk Virus.
2. Playing the piano for Dad as we sing carols and belt out all 18 verses
of Good King Wenceslas. It’s as if tone-deaf meets off-key for the first time, and what a delightful duet it is. I still can’t figure out why no one else wants to join in.
1. Christmas Eve’s gift exchange game. A brutal competition as we all fight over the coolest farting book of the year. If you think that’s bad, I won’t even mention the lowest of lows when “Bum Darts” somehow made it into the schedule of events one year….

On a more serious note, in keeping with tradition here is a link to my best “Christmas” ever – spent in Shepherd’s Fields. It is a reminder of what all this celebrating is about.

Jamie has the week off and his entire family is in town so posting will be patchy until after the holidays.

Merry Christmas to you all. And I can’t wait to read about your holidays!!!!

XOXOXOXOX

My Early Christmas Present

We are thrilled to announce that Mile High Mamas is one of three finalists in the coveted Digital Edge Awards.

Founded in 1996, the Digital Edge Awards (also known as “The Edgies”) recognize the most innovative and cutting-edge news, advertising and interactive Web sites each year. Put on by the Newspaper Association of America’s New Media Federation, entries vie for the winner’s circle in nine categories.

Our nomination fell under the Most Innovative Visitor Participation category (circ. more than 250,000).

Next year?

We are vying for the Hottest Mommy Bloggers category.

Think we stand a chance? 🙂

Have you ever hid a gift so well you forgot where you hid it?

Like say your husband’s main gift?

Yeah, me too.

Sucks, doesn’t it?

Toasts of the Season

On Starting Them Young with Their Christmas V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y

A friend dropped off a plate of Christmas treats just as we were on the way out the door to do the same for someone else. I looked at their glorious selection and grabbed some to add to our plate.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

“This is called regifting. Can you say R-E-G-I-F-T-I-N-G, Hadley?”

****************************************

On Christmas Mailings

I always look forward to our annual flood of Christmas newsletters and cards. And every year, I gain immeasurable pleasure from reading them. And laughing at them.

Last year, I received a newsletter from my friend Angie (who, like me, married a bit later in life). She gloated over their childless state and attested “so the peace and quiet will just have to continue.”

This year? Her retribution was twins. [Insert evil cackle here.]

I can always count on my Great Uncle Peter for an entertaining letter. I have never met the crotchety old bachelor. But it must say something about me because I delight in our correspondence.

After ranting about my own newsletter, marveling how Jamie and I like climbing around our “rockpiles” (which evidently means “mountains” in crotchety man speak), he divulged the thousands of dollars he has given to his nephews – one who is in medical school and the other a farmer. He could have taken the highroad about his generosity but instead attested he only did this because “giving all my money away will deprive the Canadian government of taxes when I leave this earth.” What a giver.

But my favorite part of his letter was the ending:

“This pretty well covers everything. Each day I feed my winter
friends who are too stupid to go south for the winter but hang around the bird feeder. I also kill off any squirrels who try to find holes to get up into the attic. So far I killed four last year and this year, I killed one. One got away from the trap but left his claws. He will have difficulty in climbing trees.

Best wishes for a nice holiday.”

Also known in crochety man speak as Bah Humbug. 🙂

Clueless Parent Question

Do you buy a Christmas gift for your child’s teacher?

I bought something for Haddie’s preschool teachers. Nothing fancy, just some gingerbread and eggnog fudge and fun cookie mix cutouts from Super Target. But then I got to wondering if other people do the same and if not, will I be one big brown noser.

What I am saying is should I just eat the fudge and call it good? 🙂

When a comforter is not comforting

We built our house 3.5 years ago. Besides the basement, the only room that has not been finished is our bedroom. To be honest, it really hasn’t bothered me.

Until recently.

And suddenly, those bare, blazing white walls remind me of a psych ward isolation room.

I am not speaking from experience, of course.

Instead of paying a lot of money for shipping presents this year, my parents sent us a generous chunk of money for Christmas. After some deliberation, we bought the kids a few gifts and decided to put the money towards finally painting and decorating our bedroom.

Our plan was to start after the holiday until Bode threw up all over our current dry-clean-only comforter last week. This sped up Project Bedroom Makeover. Either that or spend the next few weeks sniffing his regurgitated pasta dinner.

On Saturday, we hit a variety of stores and finally found our duvet de choix. The issue with buying a new duvet is you also get sucked into purchasing all the goodies that go with it. Another problem is our recent stay at the luxurious Broadmoor led us to believe our bed needed to feel like their million-dollar one.

We eventually walked outta there with arms piled high and hundreds of dollars poorer (I plan to fully bill the Broadmoor). Our purchases? A duvet, pillow top mattress pad, shams, curtains, rod and pillows.

Oh, and licorice. Just because we were hungry.

Upon arriving home, Jamie was eager to make the bed even though we still need to paint the walls. When it came time for the icing on the cake – the duvet – we realized our down comforter insert was in storage somewhere. I spent the next hour in the dungeon of despair, only to discover it stashed away in a bin. I threw it in the washing machine and walked upstairs.

The bed was fully made…and fluffy.

“I’ll bet your are wondering where I got the comforter to stick inside the new duvet, don’t you?”

“Errr…yes.”

[Proudly] “I just used our old one!”

“You mean the one that is covered in Bode’s puke that infiltrates everything it touches?”

“Yep, that’s the one!”