While most boys Bode’s age stink, he now showers twice a day because:
a) He’s trying to warm up.
b) He wants to be like his dad a.k.a. the cleanest man in America.
c) He’s got a third grade hottie on the side.
d) All of the above??
Halloween in Denver and the skeleton’s slow, painful death
November 5, 2014 by
I shudder to think of the day when these kids of mine are too big to enjoy Halloween’s revelries. Then again, I’m practically ancient and whenever October rolls around, I’m like a kid again.
With gorgeous weather and many adventures, we had an absolute blast this October.
We had a “ball” at Heritage Square’s “Bootown.”
The zipline was fun but the kids deemed their new Rocky Mountain Ropes Course not-so fun.
American Ninja Warrior contenders they are not.
We spent an entire day at Elitch Gardens’ Fright Fest and took both kids to the scary haunted houses for the first time.
Fun fact from their marketing department: At least one creepy zombie “actor” gets punched every day from freaked-out patrons.
My good friend Jennie and her husband have been staying with us as they finalize their move to Colorado. Not only did they help us with the Giant Gourd of Horror as Jamie scared trick-or-treaters all night, Jennie did a bang-up job on Bode’s skeleton make-up. He was delighted no one recognized him!
Hadley went as the White Lady from The Hobbit and the kids had a blast hanging out with friends.
My favorite moment of the night (apart from The Pumpkin Man traumatizing the neighbors) was during the parade. Our neighborhood fire station generously hosts a party with loads of treas and a fire-truck-led parade. Last year, Bode raced off with his friends but found himself alone at the end of it.
The kid has serious abandonment issues so you can imagine how well that turned out despite the fact he easily found his way home.
This year, I cautioned him to stay close to us but despite our best attempts, we couldn’t track down any of his buddies.
Enter: Witch Ashlee. I suspect she has had a crush on Bode since kindergarten because she positively melts when he’s around. She glommed onto him during the parade and would not let him leave her side. 
I could tell he was dying inside to be walking next to a girl during the parade but being the nice guy that he is, he didn’t ditch her. I knew the moment that parade was over, he’d be outta there like a skeleton out of the closet.
As we were parting, Ashlee took a bold approach. Instead of going to Bode (which would have resulted in a blatant rejection), she very sweetly asked ME if he wanted to go trick-or-treating with her.
I gently turned her down by saying he’d rather die a slow, painful death he was already going with his friends.
But you’d better believe when he’s 16, I won’t be so nice.
The giant gourd of horror (and why our neighbors will never trust us again)
November 3, 2014 by
Our evil plan was hatched quite by accident. TaRhonda Thomas, a 9News reporter, interviewed my husband Jamie a.k.a. The Pumpkin Man last week. As a fun kicker to the end of the story, she decided to climb inside the 1,292-pound beast.
TaRhonda Thomas
Though Jamie has been growing giant pumpkins for years, it’s the first time anyone ever climbed into it and Jamie shared an idea with me. “I could do that.” “What? Climb into the pumpkin in high heels?” “No, I could hide inside the pumpkin and scare people on Halloween.” When you grow The Giant Pumpkin, your house becomes a popular stop on Halloween but I was doubtful about turning it into a Little Shop of Horrors Giant Gourd of Horrors.
Undeterred, Jamie made assignments. My role was the cannibalistic witch in Hansel and Gretel as I lured our innocent victims with “do you want a picture with the pumpkin?” We recruited our friend Jared as the photographer while his wife Jenny handed out candy and gave the cue for Jamie to jump out.
The result? Hilarious.
We tried to pick on people we knew or older kids. What surprised me was just how many non-reactions there were because I can assure you I would have raced down the block kicking and screaming if he’d have jumped out at me. I mean, just look at the creeper posed inside the pumpkin prepared to launch.
Inside the pumpkin
Only the best reactions made it onto video so be sure to take a minute and watch it below or here:
The bunny and the man at the end were my favorites. 🙂 Many adults told us it was the highlight of the night and we had only one child who cried but his parents assured us little “Spider-Man” would recover quickly. He is, after all, a superhero. The next day, Jamie was not only sore from crouching down all night but badly bruised from jumping out. 
But it was worth it and he brushed it off as “The sacrifices I make for my art.” If jumping out of a giant pumpkin is art, The Pumpkin Man is, indeed, an artist.
Happy Halloween From, The Great Pumpkin
October 31, 2014 by
Last week, TaRhonda Thomas from 9News asked me if I’d be interested in doing a segment on fun, easy treats for Halloween.
Fun? Easy? Are there any better words to describe me?
The problem was Bode’s school Halloween party was around that same time so I initially turned it down but then remembered I’m pretty much the Queen of Halloween and how could I miss such an opportunity?
I decided I could arrive late for Bode’s class party but proposed to 9News that maybe we could just tape the segment earlier in the week and I could bring the giant pumpkins as backdrop so I wouldn’t have to miss it at all. They didn’t go for that so I’m still going into the studio Halloween morning before racing back to Bode.
HOWEVER–they also loved the giant pumpkin idea so TaRhonda asked if she and photojournalist Chris could come to the house on Tuesday. The Great Pumpkin is always open to publicity and I assumed they’d do a quick interview with Jamie and be done with it. I was still in my workout clothes when they arrived as I had no plans to take part but before I knew it (1.5 hours later), they pulled both of us together for some hilarious scenarios that I think will make for a really fun pumpkin piece.
Cutting open the Great Pumpkin
Or it will be utterly humiliating. But that wouldn’t be the first time. (See: NBC’s The Marriage Ref).
The Carving of the Great Pumpkin
October 30, 2014 by
Last year, we had professional carver Michelle Barnett carve Jamie’s 1,200+ pound beast Stanley.
This year, Skype commissioned her to carve Jamie’s 500-pounder. She’s working on it as we speak and Skype recorded our call trying to hash out the details (go here to watch or see below).
What would you carve into a Giant Pumpkin? Stay tuned for the big reveal!
October in Colorado = Glorious!
October 29, 2014 by
I had an epiphany: October is my favorite month of the year. Between cooler yet still mild temperatures and gorgeous fall colors, Colorado had its most delicious October ever and all I wanted to do was hike every day.
Unfortunately I have this thing called work.
That didn’t stop me from occasionally sneaking out for some fun.
Hiking Pence Park
Last year, my friend Tina and I loved hiking 6.4- mile Carpenter Peak in Roxborough Park so much we decided to make it an annual tradition.
Hadley recently had a day off school so we took the opportunity check-out Staunton State Park, which opened just over a year ago. When I hike by myself, I stick to the trail. When I’m with Hadley, we forge through the forest, find large granite outcroppings, bushwhack to the summit and discover secret caves.
She’s waaaay more exciting than I.
One Sunday evening, we took a leisurely stroll around glistening Crown Hill Park, whereupon I imparted the following wisdom to my children: “Life is too short to live somewhere ugly.”
This is how we do walks, Johnson-style.
It’s no wonder Bode has trust issues.
The Halloween Party of Death
October 28, 2014 by
When the kids were younger, I threw blowout Halloween parties. Just look at these cuties back in 2006 (Hadley is the Broncos cheerleader, bottom right).
And yes, she’d DIE now to ever be dressed as one of those “silly girls.”
My kids loved those parties but since we implemented the Giant Pumpkin Party four years ago, I disbanded those Halloween bashes because there was no way I was going to throw two of them in October.
So, what’s the first thing my opportunistic kids begged me to do when the Pumpkin Party was canceled?
See below.
The coolest hosts ever (before we lost our minds)
Hanging doughnuts (30 doughnuts were eaten in 30 seconds flat)
Bode’s make-up artist, Alex. Pumpkin Man photobomb.
I knew we were in trouble during the invitation stage. I didn’t want anyone to feel left out but when people started asking if siblings could come, I kindly told them “yes” if the parent would come help. A couple did, most didn’t and I ended up with waaaaaaaay too many kids. They are all well-behaved, awesome kids but the sheer number (25 of ’em) about did us in.
We had plenty of fun games to keep them occupied, like a candy corn relay I made up. Essentially, they had to put a spoon in their mouth, scoop up candy corn with it and race to the other side of the yard and deposit the candy into a jar. On the way back, they had to do silly challenges like “Pretend you are Elsa and sing ‘Let it Go’ at the top of your lungs as you skate back.”
As you can imagine, there was a whole lotta silliness.
The excessive amounts of sugar certainly helped.
My friend Julie outdid herself by making “Poison Punch” and personalizing a cup for each kid.
She is what I call a “Pinterest Overachiever” and the kids loved it!
Out of everyone, I am most indebted to my friend “Witch Terry” who made a surprise appearance halfway through the party. I had asked her to pull together some magical science experiments and we got together during the week to practice.
Overachiever that she is (it runs in my circles), she went above-and-beyond with some awesome tricks but the mere chaos almost sent us to our graves. Fortunately, the kids were AWED by every single one.
Fun with dry ice
Witch Terry in her element
Baking soda+vinegar+balloons+water bottle= an awesome Fizz Inflator
This is my favorite picture of the evening: seeing the children’s awed faces at our successful dry ice crystal ball! (Find out how to make it here; our ghostly screaming balloons were another hit).
As kids were arriving at the party, we had our disco light swirling and fog making machine chugging. And the fire alarm going off.
It started with chaos, it ended with chaos, and according to the party goers, it was “the best Halloween party ever.”
At least someone had a good time. Remind me of this post the next time they beg me for an over-the-top party.
Going “professional” at the Arvada Scarecrow Festival
October 23, 2014 by
If the giant pumpkin growers were poorly received at the Jared’s Nursery weigh-off, they were treated like royalty at the Arvada Scarecrow Festival. Jamie’s buddy Joe grew the biggest pumpkin in Colorado this year (1,292 pounds) and instead of putting it on display after the weigh-off, he merely cuts it up. I asked his wife if they could donate the pumpkin for a great cause (us!) and they were kind to give us their pumpkin.
When we arrived at the festival, we were literally mobbed and two hours later, were barely able to pull away because so many people were taking pictures. Now I know what the Beatles felt like.
Just imagine how much more popular they would have been if they grew giant pumpkins.
Side note: I just realized as I posted this picture that someone put their dog to pose with Lucille the giant pumpkin. Just when I thought I had seen everything.
Hadley was still feeling crummy from pneumonia so laid low. Bode, on the other hand? He was a Proud Pumpkin Papa.
As I was was tending to Hadley’s needs, I looked up to see Bode mingling with the crowd answering questions about his pumpkin.
I should probably start calling him Pumpkin Man Jr. (apologies to his future wife).
Hadley and Bode won the children’s division and I was thrilled to see a kid from our neighborhood grinning ear-to-ear about his pumpkin. I’d talked to him a few weeks prior and encouraged him to enter and was so glad to see him there!
The children’s competition (neighbor on the left)
Despite the fact that “Lucille” stopping growing mid-August when he cut her off the vine, Jamie still won the adult division and is always awesome with giving advice, encouragement and seeds to aspiring pumpkin growers.
We had a great time at our hometown festival but I had to chuckle at the end. Hadley, Bode and Jamie had the three biggest pumpkins at the weigh-off, causing a disgruntled member of the Arvada Gardners to mutter that “they should have their own professional division.”
Please shoot me if they ever go “professional.”
See the write-up about the competition: Giant pumpkins rule in Olde Town Arvada.
It’s Pumpkin Season!
October 22, 2014 by
Despite the fact that Jamie didn’t “grow big” this year, we are still in the throes of pumpkin season. In case you missed that tragic announcement, Jamie lost both his plants to yellow vine disease in August. He chopped up “Bo” but for some reason, he cut “Lucille” off the vine and let her sit there for a month and a half, hoping she’d last ’til the weigh-off.
And wonder of wonders, she did make it (despite the fact that she hasn’t grown and has been essentially rotting for a month and a half).
Lovely Lucille. Photo credit: Denver Post’s Seth McConnell
Because we didn’t have “large” pumpkins, we opted not to throw a pumpkin party but that posed a big problem: we usually have several people on-hand to help us move the pumpkins.
For the giants, we need a backhoe and lifting straps but for the “smaller” pumpkins like Lucille and the kids’ pumpkins, we have a lifting tarp but needed able-bodies.
Enter: our good friends and neighbors the Haymonds who, much to their misfortune, were home at the time we came knocking.
Hadley cutting her pumpkin off the vine
Sadie is smiling because she didn’t have to lift after Uncle Chris arrived
Pumpkin Man photobomb.
Despite the fact that Bode’s pumpkin got taken out by hail (twice) and didn’t pollinate until two weeks after Hadley’s, his pumpkin weighed a whopping 325 lbs while Hadley’s weighed 401 lbs, a personal best.
Don’t get me started how the lazy organizers at Jared’s Nursery in Littleton didn’t even bother to give them ribbons or any acknowledgment for all their hard work. Dear Jared’s Nursery: we will not be wasting out time at your weigh-off next year.
Despite their lack of prizes, I was so proud that they dominated the children’s division.
Of course, it helped they were the only two who entered.
Stay tuned for details on the Arvada Scarecrow Festival.
Breaking Bad and the Giant Pumpkin
October 21, 2014 by
We’re calling this a twofer. Fox 31 asked to come to my house to interview me about crystal meth action figures yesterday, they saw my husband Jamie’s giant pumpkins and interviewed him after.
Jamie is now claiming the media is going through me to get to him.
File this under #YouCan‘tMakeThisStuffUp.
Fox 31 aired the story last night. The one with me in it; I’m sure the giant pumpkins will appear on some breaking news story sometime.