2008 February | Life Elevated Mom

“Ask Amber” – Insights into the non-domestic world

February 29, 2008 By Amber

My domestic prowess has been put into question lately. Even though I will not go anywhere near a sewing machine or ironing board, I excel in the kitchen.

Usually.

Ask Amber How to Burn Noodles

I am glad you asked this question because it is very rare that one is able to accomplish such a feat using only spaghetti noodles and water.

The process: have a dinner party with only 15 minutes to cook four large packages of noodles. Grab a large sauce pan, fill with water, heat to boiling and then cram all the noodles inside the pan. Leave the noodles to hurriedly prepare your family for the party. Make sure not to stir them even once. Return 10 minutes later to find the noodles clumped together, stuck to the bottom of the pan.

Voila, burnt noodles!

Editor’s Note: Also make sure you leave the pan soaking in the sink for a minimum of two weeks, hoping the stubborn spots will mysteriously disappear. Or just secretly hope your husband will take care of it.

Editor’s Note No. 2: He won’t.

Ask Amber How to Destroy Your Ice Maker

This one is tricky and the key is not to learn from your mistakes the first time. Ensure you have some kind of event for which you will need quick access to something on top of the refrigerator. Our event was Halloween and our “somethings” were black nail polish and lipstick for my daughter’s witch costume.

Make sure you are too lazy to return the somethings to their correct home after the event. Then, when the lipstick falls off the fridge into the ice machine and comes out in cute little back cubes, ensure your in-laws are visiting so as to showcase your domesticity. Or stupidity. You decide.

Do not learn from this mistake. Mourn the demise of the lipstick but keep the nail polish on top of the fridge and wait for its inevitable demise. Because it will happen. And when it does, your Spidey senses will be tingling just like the magnanimous black goop that infiltrated everything in Spider-Man 3.

Editor’s note: I know this is “Ask Amber” but now I am asking you how to get the nail polish off? I just hope this does not destroy my street cred….

Ask Amber How to Keep Your Fridge Smelling Clean

Me: The fridge smells really bad. I think I’ll get one of those Arm & Hammer boxes next time I’m at the store.

Hubby: Y’know, you could try cleaning it.

[Long pause of consideration]

Me: Naw. I think I’ll just stick to the baking soda, thanks.

Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor

On Getting Fired – Through a Child’s Eyes

February 27, 2008 By Amber

Overheard by my friend Lisa as she carpooled the kids to preschool.

Hadley: “This overpass is like the ones my daddy has to go through to go to work.”

Alex: “Yeah?”

Hadley: “Only he doesn’t work downtown anymore.”

Alex: “Why not?”

Hadley: “Well, the mean people at work – they threw fire at him.”

Editor’s Note: “M” is for “MEAN.”

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Candid Living in California

February 26, 2008 By Amber

It was exactly 20 years ago that I last visited Carmel. It was my 16th birthday and my mom planned a memorable girl’s vacation around her business trip to San Francisco. Carmel in particular left an indelible imprint with its meld of Bohemian charm and opulent indulgences. I had never been anywhere like it. No matter what the size, each house touted itself as a majestic fortress and lawns exploded with growth and color. There are no billboards, parking meters, streetlights or street addresses anywhere.

Or high heels. I am still trying to figure out the reasoning behind that city ordinance. Or what they do to those rebellious offenders.

Jamie and I stayed at the Sandpiper Inn, just half a block from the ocean. One of the great things about traveling with him is we love to do the same things. Or rather, he likes to do the same things as me (however you look at it.

Despite the inclement weather, we were able to capitalize on those moments of calm by cruising the 17-Mile Drive, wandering along the beach, playing in Monterey, hiking Point Lobos State Preserve and trekking to Big Sur.

One thing I learned early on is Californians like to exploit their snoozy Pacific Coast Time by slowing up the rest of the world. Our first exposure to this was when we learned our B&B did not serve breakfast until 8 a.m. For those mathematicians out there, that is 9 a.m. Denver time, which is also equal unto when we go into shock due to extreme food deprivation.

When we were finally fed, we drove over to the state park, only to learn it did not open until 9 a.m. In Amber Time, this may as well be midnight because I had already been awake half the day. We were among the first in line at the gate and the park ranger leisurely commented, “Well, aren’t you the early birds?” Evidently, they have an abundance of worms for folks like us.

After exploring the epic coastline, we drove south to Pfieffer Big Sur State Park. Our plan was to hike to some famous falls in the redwood forest and then grab lunch in Big Sur. We had envisioned it as the biggest, baddest beach town in California. Jamie claims there was a Big Sur waterbed company years ago and even our latest Crate and Barrel catalog has a line of oceanfront Big Sur products.

So, imagine how thrilled we were when we kept driving and driving…and drove right through it. Turns out, Big Sur’s thriving metropolis consists of a last-chance gas station and a couple of decrepit buildings tucked away in the Santa Lucia Mountain range. Who knew?

We didn’t and the only reason we knew we were actually in Big Sur is our GPS lady nagged us that we had missed our destination.

Not that I trust her or anything. When guiding us to San Jose’s airport the next day, she instead led us to the exact center of town. Which incidentally happened to be Denny’s.

Perhaps it was a sign that despite our best intentions for a perfect romantic getaway, that California livin’ just ain’t always a Grand Slam?

Or that we just need to sleep in and skip the outdoorsy crap in favor of more artery-clogging pastimes….

Filed Under: Humor, outdoors, travel

Mile High Mamas – Postcards from the edge (of the potty seat)

February 25, 2008 By Amber

You know the long-standing tradition of adding “in bed” after your fortune-cookie saying? Some examples:

A pleasant surprise is in store for you…in bed.
Something you lost will soon turn up…in bed.

Only instead of “in bed,” say “in the rain.” And that pretty much sums up our anniversary getaway to beautiful Carmel.

Oh, and throw in a few “in beds” for good measure as well. Details will be forthcoming. Well, some of them at least….[wink, wink]

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After 3 years and 9 months, I can almost say that Hurricane Hadley is potty trained. If you are thinking, “Oh, great. Another potty training post. My kids have been trained for years and what does this have to do with me?”

It has everything to do with you…and the rest of mankind. Studies have shown the air pollutants exhumed from Hadley were high enough to break down the ozone layers. The kid was a serious environmental hazard.

Join me as I reflect upon my two-year journey into Potty Training Hell…and Beyond.

March 2006: We brought home our first potty amidst great fanfare. Hadley was enthusiastic about being a big girl and using the potty. It was a bald-faced lie.

Summer 2006: A few of her friends are trained. Our encouragement is met with resistance.

Fall 2006: Shows interest and even pees most of the time in the potty but Brown has yet to make its appearance. “What Can Brown Do For Me?” Find its way to the bleepin’ toilet.

Fall 2006: Announces she is retiring from the potty training business, like it is some annoying boy she is just flinging aside. There is great mourning in the land but we are advised not to pressure her.

Spring 2007: Hadley turns 3 and is obstinate about the mere suggestion of going anywhere near the potty.

Summer 2007: The Descent into Hell. In a last-ditch attempt to potty train her before preschool, The Parents cut her off diapers completely. There were non-stop accidents, wailing, gnashing of teeth and near suicide attempts by the parents. After three horrible weeks, the white flag is waved. A flag that strongly resembles a poopy diaper.

Fall 2007: Enters preschool in pull-ups. The Parents attend the potty training seminar “Oh Poo” at the Children’s Hospital. Hunky Hubby observes the sardine-packed room and comments, “Every single person in this room is a loser.” They and their fellow losers glean some good tips about providing incentives. Strongly advised by the expert not to nag but just provide incentives to children over 3.

Winter Break 2007: The entire family is in town and exhibitionist Hadley starts peeing regularly. The Parents capitalize on the momentum and remove diapers completely from the formula. Continues to pee in the potty but resistant to Brown. Parents provide enough incentives to require mortgaging the house when she finally goes.

January 2008: Hadley is obsessed with The Little Mermaid. The Parents buy Ariel panties under the condition that she would not poop on Ariel. The mermaid was drowning in it within hours. The Parents enforced a clean-up-after-yourself policy. The Hurricane remains unphased and is positively gleeful about clean-up duty.

February 2008: The Parents up the ante and instead of focusing on incentives, they concentrate on punishment. For every day Brown does not make an appearance in the potty, they remove a beloved toy from The Hurricane’s extensive collection. Within a week, Brown makes its first appearance. A Chuck E. Cheese party is thrown; incentives are rewarded but are relinquished with each accident. Two weeks later, she is trained. Mostly.

So, what were the final keys to success? 1) The Hurricane would not do it until she was good and ready. 2) She had to establish her firm dictatorial control over The Parents. 3) She wanted to provide a disturbing glimpse into how her stubbornness will translate in the teen-age years.

The sad thing is our journey is not over because 19-month-old Bode is on the cusp of potty training. And for those people who profess boys are more difficult to potty train than girls?

Please just shoot me now….

Filed Under: Hadley, Humor, travel

Happy Blahday to Me!

February 20, 2008 By Amber

It is my birthday today. I do not say this to solicit birthday wishes. I already did that on Mile High Mamas when I required anyone entering today’s giveaway to include “Happy birthday Amber” in the subject line.

Because I am not above pandering.

And there is nothing like having my inbox full ‘o birthday love, even if coercion is involved.

Today will be pretty low-key. I will take Haddie to dance and then we are heading up to the mountains to indulge in our favorite fare at Country Road Cafe. I made this announcement yesterday amidst much protest. Admittedly, I have been resistant to making any plans and Jamie had a follow-up appointment with his former oncologist this afternoon. A doctor who requires him to fast six hours prior.

I generously offered to simply eat in front of him, reminscent of those times when I used to sloooooowly consume my ice cream so my brothers could covet mine after they gobbled theirs in one tongue swoop.

He rescheduled his appointment. What a killjoy.

Tomorrow, Grandma is coming to watch the kids while we fly out to Carmel-by-the-Sea. A land of sand, sea and story-book cottages.

And rain. Non-stop rain that is the forecast.

Welcome to my paradise….

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Two Peas in a Very Demented Pod

February 19, 2008 By Amber

One of the many reasons why we are not country music fans

After the evening news, we left our television on while we bathed the kids. When we came downstairs, some country music awards were being replayed on TV.

As the monotonous MC droned on about the next presenters – “Three of our talented new heartthrobs of country: Luke Bryan, Bucky Covenington and Jason Michael Carol” – Jamie walked by and commented:

“Check it out. That chick has a beard.”

Nighttime pillow talk by those who deserved to be smothered

Me: I have been pondering the abbreviation for MC today.

Jamie: [Grunt].

Me: I mean, what does it stand for? Master of Ceremonies, right?

Jamie: [Grunt of acknowledgment].

Me: So why don’t we instead say M.O.C.? Is it because mocking them would be a bad thing?….

P.S. I just tracked a link from Google to JustMommies’ Top 100 Mommy Blogs of 2007 and was pleased to see I was ranked No. 13, which happens to be my lucky number (no lie!) Too bad it doesn’t count because it is 2008.

Anyhew, I scrolled down and on the right-hand column, I encountered this rotating ad:

Talk about demented…..

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Pre-marital move

February 18, 2008 By Amber

I hate moving.

It is easily one of The Top Three Things I Hate Doing in this world. Jamie helped his brother move to Utah last weekend while I played single parent at home.

Speaking of which, single parenting is in my Top Three Things I Hate Doing list as well.

Though I somehow lived through it, I almost didn’t survive when I moved to Denver from Salt Lake City five years ago.

So, what do hernias, abstinence and guardian angels have in common? Come find out at Mile High Mamas and share your moving stories. Mine wasn’t pretty.

=========

Last weekend, my husband Jamie helped his brother move to Utah. It allegedly went smoothly. Well, if you can count the U-haul’s brakes catching on fire going smoothly. Jamie called it a minor inconvenience.

It is a drive we did many times while we were dating. I lived in Salt Lake City while he called Denver home. Prior to our wedding, the plan was for him to fly to Utah and help me move to Colorado.

Until he got a hernia.

He had the choice to have the surgery before or after our wedding. We were holding out for Operation Consummation on our wedding night and call me crazy but a hernia just did not seem like a viable part of the process. “OF COURSE YOU WILL HAVE THE SURGERY BEFORE!” I yelped.

I think I even used all-caps.

And for all those naysayers who do not believe abstinence is feasible in today’s society, throw in a hernia. Trust me, it works.

This left me to execute the move by myself. I threw the biggest, baddest going-away party around – one with loads of food…and boxes (hence the badness).

I was feeling like an empowered woman of the 2002s as I set out on the highway with my Grand Cherokee towing all my treasures. My trip was going well until the weight of the load blew out my tire in the middle of nowhere.

So, there I was stranded somewhere between Green River and Grand Junction when my guardian angel pulled up beside me. Actually, he appeared in the form of a financial analyst who was going through a painful divorce and was returning from a trip to Las Vegas.

He not only helped fix my tire, but followed me to the nearest gas station where we parted ways. A few miles down the road, he flagged me over, concerned about the different levels of air in my tires. He then slowly tailed me all the way to Grand Junction until I was safely in the care of a tire center. Evidently they breed guardian angels in that town.

Too bad he didn’t stick with me the rest of my drive. There was the blizzard atop Vail Pass that delayed me for two hours. Then when I was about two miles from Jamie’s condo, I looked out my window to see something that looked suspiciously like the bar-end on my bike. Turns out the storm had massacred my bike rack and I drove about 10 mph the remainder of the drive as my bike flopped like a dead fish off the side of my Jeep.

When I finally arrived at the condo, I collapsed into Jamie’s arms, blubbering about my ordeal and cursing his hernia.

I later got my revenge: I was exempt from moving and painting our new house because I was eight months pregnant.

Though I don’t know if I can call a weak bladder, killer heartburn and a 40-pound weight gain retribution….

And I’m not just talking about the hernia….

Filed Under: Humor, Marriage, Utah

Happy Anniversary to Me..err….Us!

February 15, 2008 By Amber

Thanks for all your words of encouragement! Emotions have settled and Jamie has received a lot of support from his former co-workers about how he was treated as a scapegoat. One of the main bigwigs has become a great ally and even had someone draft up a one-sheet detailing the ramifications Jamie’s dismissal has on the company. It doesn’t change anything but does make us feel somewhat better.

Today is our anniversary. To celebrate, we are going to the Denver temple tonight – where we tied the knot five years ago. Back when I still had sleep, a waist and my sanity. My, what a difference five years makes.

Next week, we are flying out to Carmel to celebrate. When the layoff came, I was disconcerted about the timing but I think a little getaway is exactly what we need! And did I mention Grandma is coming to stay with the kids? It will be just like old times. Well, with the exception of my absentee waist.

I hope you had a swell Valentine’s Day! More details to come about ours but today on Mile High Mamas, I revealed what a romantic I truly am. Or am not….

Slamming Doors, Opening Windows

February 13, 2008 By Amber

Jamie was laid off yesterday. It came as a shock but probably should not have been a surprise. He has been miserable since he took over as the director and we have felt for a long time that he has been setup for failure.

Back in my career days, I was laid off once when I was at the top of my game. I worked in Salt Lake City for a powerful publishing company we will call Meseret Book. I was over all the events for the corporate office and their 38 stores. The employees were like family and I truly loved going to work every day.

Until a tyrannical dictator took over as president. We will call this person Heri Spew. Heri was a beloved member of the community and popular motivational speaker and author. Behind closed doors, Heri was cold, calculating and feared. You did not talk to Heri unless Heri talked to you. And if you dared to disagree with Heri? Forget it.

After receiving a healthy raise and much praise from my boss, I went to work one day to find out that Heri had axed my position, along with about ¼ of the corporate office. No warning, no severance. I was seriously bummed but I was single so I knew I would get by. It enraged me that my fellow employees and family men – many who had been there for their entire careers – were not given any provisions. Except a swift kick out the door.

I was glad I was in the first round of layoffs because Heri’s R.O.T. (or Reign of Terror as we called it) continued long after, creating an environment of trepidation for those left behind. To this day, whenever I hear of anyone praising Heri, I have to bite my tongue and think, “Oh, if they only knew.”

I am in the same situation with Jamie’s job. There is so much I could say about the gross mismanagement and certain incongruous employees but I won’t. I would like to say I am taking the high road but I am not. I just feel out of respect for Jamie, my relationship with the newspaper and key players who read this blog that I need to keep my mouth shut. For once.

Make no mistake – this is a stressful time. But there is also hope. Jamie has been “romanced” by another company for months but they have been unable to extend an offer due to some vendor contract issues. We hadn’t heard from them for a while and Jamie’s work stresses reached a climax a couple of weeks ago

The two of us decided to have a fast about the direction he should take with his job. For those not in the “Mormon know,” fasting consists of skipping a couple of meals, praying for inspiration regarding a certain cause (that also includes forgetting how hungry you are) and then proceeding to “break the fast” by eating more calories than you would consume in a week.

Two days after we fasted, he was contacted by this company and invited to sit in on a consult a few days after that. Four days later, he was laid off. A coincidence? I think not.

So right now, we are in limbo. Jamie doesn’t have an offer and things will not be in place for a few weeks, if at all. But I have no doubt in my mind that this was meant to happen, that he will move on to a better situation, whatever and whenever it may be. And though I am apprehensive, I also feel peace.

And for that, I am grateful.

Update: Jamie received a lucrative offer from the other company. We will finally finish our basement with the chunk of money from his severance package. Feeling so blessed and thank you for your support!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Up with People, Down with Airheads

February 12, 2008 By Amber

Friday night was date night at the Casa Canuck, only not with each other. Jamie had a guy’s night out to the Nuggets and my friend Tina and I attended the Up with People performance. My only experiences with Tina have been whilst shouting over four little rugrats so it was a pleasant change to have some adult conversation. We both even showered for the occasion.

I can’t say I always do the same for poor Jamie.

Oh, and Tina shaved for the first time since Christmas. Too bad I didn’t put out.

I have to admit I had never even heard of Up with People, a group Tina professes is a cultural icon. The cast consisted of 100 members from 27 different countries and the show was pretty darn cool. I would strongly suggest you look into attending if it comes to your city because it benefits a great cause: Habitat for Humanity.

One thing I really liked about these perky and talented performers was they were not professionals. They came from all walks of life and were different colors and shapes, which made their message that much more powerful.

One young woman in particular stood out to me. She had a pure, dark-haired beauty about her and had the voice of an angel. She stoically performed, barely even swaying as flamboyant Navajo dancers swirled around her like snowflakes in a storm.

I kept my eye on her the rest of the show. It seemed she always missed her cues and had to be assisted on-stage. Near the end of the performance, I pondered if she had some neurological condition that made it difficult to walk.

I leaned over and whispered, “I really think there is something wrong with her, Tina.”

“She is blind, Amber.”

Or just blonde.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

“Ask Amber” – Insights into the non-domestic world

On Getting Fired – Through a Child’s Eyes

Candid Living in California

Mile High Mamas – Postcards from the edge (of the potty seat)

Happy Blahday to Me!

Two Peas in a Very Demented Pod

Pre-marital move

Happy Anniversary to Me..err….Us!

Slamming Doors, Opening Windows

Up with People, Down with Airheads

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