INTERVENTION NEEDED!

I caught 3-year-old Bode packing necklaces in his backpack for preschool…


…which is only moderately less serious than packing heat.

My so-called “perfect” life

Here’s a little tip: don’t ever utter that you’re feeling balanced because you will inevitably get caught up in a whirlwind wherein just the opposite is revealed.

It started with the missed bike clinic. Remember? The one I thought was on Friday when it was, in actuality, Wednesday. Actually, it goes back even farther when I bought a couple of birthdays presents at Wal-Mart last week.

Should have just stuck with my beloved Target. I know that now.

There is not a Wal-Mart close to my house. After schlepping across town to buy the gifts, Hadley informed me that her friend already had one of them.

Fast-forward to the bike clinic on Friday night. You know, the one that never happened. I decided to take the opportunity to return the presents and exchange them for the game Cariboo by Cranium that my friend Tina requested. It was late in the evening, very few people were on duty, and I spent 45 minutes on a wild goose chase throughout the store as various uninformed people informed me they had the game.

Take it from me: they did not.

Exasperated, this mommy blogger left the store and headed to my beloved Target. I called them on the way over to ensure they had Cariboo. They did! And they promised to leave it for me at the Customer Service desk!

I limped in there right before closing, plopped down my money and did not give it another thought.

Until yesterday, a mere hour before the party when I finally got around to wrapping it. That is when I learned the dreaded truth: they gave me the wrong Cranium game. In my comatose state, I hadn’t even noticed.

I dragged the kids back to Target, only to discover they did not carry the game. With mere minutes before we needed to leave before the party, I desperately grabbed the only semi-decent game I could find:

Because my life is anything but.

The Frigidaire Dishwasher and the Husband Who (Sometimes) Uses It

I’ve been having fun playing with my Frigidaire dishwasher as the part of Frididaire Mom’s test drive.

Wait. Did I just say fun and dishwasher in the same sentence?

Alright, back to reality.

And that reality is asking my husband his opinion of our Frigidaire.

“When it comes to dishwashers, you know me. I’m speechless.”

Though this dishwasher has experienced an unprecedented phenomenon: my husband has actually run several loads in it. Now, I’m not here to husband-bash because there are many domestic duties my husband excels at.

Cleaning the kitchen is not among them.

He could say the same about my ironing (or lack thereof).

Even though the rest of my house may sometimes look like a hurricane hit, I usually stay on top of the dishes and you will rarely find a sink full of dirty ones.

Unless the husband is in charge.

I saw his pre-marriage days. I heard the stories of how he paid his sister to do his dishes for him. Or his roommate’s admonition that when they had company over one day, instead of washing the many dirty dishes, they simply loaded them up in a bucket and hid them in the bedroom.

Suffice it to say, I am in charge of all dish duties but due to my busy travel schedule this winter, he has had to endure the unthinkable: loading and running the Frigidaire. All by himself.

When I’ve traveled in the past, he has completely cleaned the house in honor of my return but was never able to force himself to do the dishes. Times have changed since we got the new Frigidaire. When I returned from a recent trip to Park City, the kitchen was gloriously spotless, the sink devoid of dishes.

“Jamie, did you actually use the dishwasher?”
“Yep,” he said proudly, opening the Frigidaire, unveiling a batch of shiny-clean dishes.

Of course, it would have been asking too much to ask him to unload it.

As I showered praises on him, I noticed something. Even though the majority of the dishes had come out sparkling, there were a few pots and pans on the bottom that still had food residue.

“Errr, Jamie. Just how long were these sitting in the sink before you loaded them?”
“Oh, about five days.”

It was then that I introduced a phenomenon called soaking dishes, especially if they were going to camp out in the sink. Then I showed him the hi-temp wash on the Frigidaire, which is great for melting away those nasty, caked-on stains that are only accrued when dish-loathing husbands are in charge.

It’s all about baby steps. Or husband-sized ones.

Who does the dishes at your house? Is it a battle?

I wrote this review while participating in a Test Drive Campaign by Mom Central on behalf of Frigidaire and received a Frigidaire Dishwasher to facilitate my review.

Little bit of this, a little bit of that

Posting has been light these days, as have my visits to other people’s blogs and I apologize. Life has been all-consuming and I feel like I haven’t fully caught up since returning from Spring Break in Utah a few weeks ago.

A few things that have been eating up our time:

Social media presentation. Jamie and I gave a 4-hour social media presentation to an insurance group on Thursday. I’ve been asked to speak on a number of panels (I’m doing another one for Colorado Healthcare Communicators this week) and have given one-on-one training sessions but we’ve never done of full-on presentation of this magnitude. What I learned: 1) Jamie looks hot in a suit and it’s a dream come true to run our own business together. 2) I know more than I thought. This rarely happens so it’s an unexpected surprise.

The death of the goat. Or rather, the goatee. When Jamie got called to the Bishopric at church a couple of weeks ago, he shaved it in an effort to look more clean-cut. I was the one who encouraged him to grow it after we first got married so I was in mourning to see it go. I filmed him as he shaved it off. And may have shed a tear…or twelve.

Preparing for our garage sale. OK, truth be told, I haven’t exactly gotten around to compiling everything and keep pushing back the date of the garage sale.

But I certainly spend a lot of time avoiding the entire thing.

Partying at Einstein Bros. Bagels. I threw a big mid-day meet-up for the Mile High Mamas on Friday. Bagels were eaten, conversations were had and the other patrons were surely ready to give us the boot. But one thing I already suspected was confirmed: my daughter and I share a love affair with carbs.

Being a mom. After almost six years as a mom, I finally feel like I’m achieving some semblance of balance in my life. It definitely helps that my kids are going through such agreeable stages. My relationship with Hadley has never been better, Bode is his same sweet self and I walk around with a goofy grin on my face because I’m just so happy. Life is full of ebbs and tides and I’m gladly riding high right now. Oh, and speaking of which….

Riding my new bike. OK, truth be told I haven’t done this as much as I would like due to getting sick. Then it snowed. And I’ve been really busy. But I was really excited to attend my much-anticipated bike clinic at Wheat Ridge Cyclery on Friday night.

Until I showed up and realized the bike clinic was on the previous Wednesday.

As my wise Aunt Sue has always told me: “Things can never be 100%, Amber. Never 100%.

This week, I have loads of playdates, our BFF’s birthday, two work-related events and a garage sale for which to prepare (yeah, right). What do you have on your plate?

The beginning of The End

Pumpkin season has begun.

Jamie announced last Sunday that our FHE activity for Monday night would be planting the pumpkin seeds.

Three of the four of us were excited.

I will let you guess who among us was not.

I psyched myself out for the pilgrimage to the pumpkin patch for the ceremonial planting. But silly me for assuming that planting means putting the seed into the ground. No, my friends, the Lord of the Gourds had a long, drawn-out plan in the following steps:

1) Sanded the edges of the seeds then soaked the seeds in warm water for 2 hours with a touch of liquid seawood.

But of course, adding the liquid seawood is a no-brainer that you already knew.

2) Took warm and damp paper towel and wrapped it around the seed and put it in an area that is 85-90 degrees. He did this for two reasons: a) He could check to see if the tap roots had come out, which means it’s germinated and b) He can control the moisture that is in contact with the seed. The seed responds well to the paper towel because it actually thinks the paper towel is dirt.

Evidently, pumpkins are more stupid than I thought.

3) Once the tap roots have come out, it is put in seed-starting soil. Jamie will keep it in a warm, well-lit area (read: sketchy grow room) until it is time to plant outdoors late-April. And even then, he will build a hoop house around it to protect his precious plant until the elements warm up

This is the road just to get it in the ground.

Pray for me when pumpkin season officially begins.

Be sure to following Jamie at DenverPumpkins.com for the technical how-tos. If you’re just tuning into the saga, Jamie is obviously obsessed with growing The Great Pumpkin. Find out how it began in Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them.

When dreams imitate reality

I’ve been sick.

This should not be a shock to anyone who reads this blog with any regularity. What is shocking is that I have gone more than a few months without falling ill.

This time, the timing could not have been worse. We were supposed to hold a garage sale and our dinner group was congregating at my friend Lisa’s house for grilled steak. Out of sympathy, she brought me flowers because she knew how disappointed I was to stay home. It was such a thoughtful gesture.

Though I would have been equally as excited if she’d dropped off a big slab of beef.

I have a 2-hour window while both kids are in school and I took full advantage by sleeping. On Friday, I doped myself up on cold medication, grabbed Remy (the cat) and nestled into my cave. My slumbers started blissfully: I was at the Magellan Inn, a charming beach-side resort in Costa Rica where Jamie and I spent out honeymoon. I was momentarily whisked away by vacated beaches, white sand and big surf.

Until a big storm blew in. As it turns out, we were actually sleeping on a submarine and I was somehow sitting in the driver’s seat. It was filled to capacity with people and I was the one who needed to save us. In vain, I tried to steer but we flipped over from the monster waves.

Then I was being crushed.

Suffocated.

Asphyxiated.

I gasped for air and realized that Hurley from ABC’s LOST was in the passenger seat and was using me as a human trash compactor.

Struggling for my final moment of life, I flung him off me, flipped the submarine to safety and woke up.

And realized Remy was lying on my chest.

We don’t call him the “Fat Kitty” for nothing.

When have your dreams imitated reality? What’re you dreaming about these days?

How garage doors result in the downfall of marriage

My family spent Spring Break in Utah. The children and I flew out several days before my husband who later joined us to ski Park City Mountain Resort.

Jamie is good at many things: growing giant pumpkins. Calming me down when I set the oven on fire.

Remembering to feed the cat is not one of them.

My children and I spent 10 days in Canada last winter, during which time our new cat Remy a.k.a. “Fat Kitty” was put on a forced diet due to Jamie’s negligence.

Call me crazy but “Skinny Kitty” just doesn’t have the same ring.

This time around, Jamie’s one responsibility was to take our garage remote control over to our neighbor Jean’s (we don’t do keys at our house) so she could let herself in to feed the cat. I’ll admit it: I was paranoid he’d forget. Our neighbor is in the middle of tax season so I forewarned him not to leave it until the last minute because she’s difficult to catch at home.

There may have been nagging loving reminders involved.

I’m not sure what happened next. Jamie had two garage remote controls at his disposal. He took one to Jean’s. With one to spare, he still somehow managed to lock himself out of the house for several hours until Jean came home.

Even though I was hundreds of miles away, I got blamed.

This is not unlike an unfortunate incident that occurred at my brother Pat’s house. He and his wife Jane were going to Costco to refill their large water jugs. At the last minute, Jane asked her daughter and two grandchildren to come, a process that added an extra 15 minutes to the process.

Like me, patience is not a virtue for my brother. He paced around the house before declaring he was going to put the containers in the car. He popped the trunk, loaded two jugs and waited for Jane to come with the third.

More time passed. Impatience grew. Exasperated, he backed out of the garage to get a head start. This would have been a sound strategy.

Except he forgot he had left the trunk open.

It did not survive.

Upon hearing the loud crash, Jane raced out to the garage to find my brother’s shaved, beet-red head bulging with fury.

“YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he sputtered.
“We’re idiots? Why is this our fault?” Jane and her daughter were on the floor laughing.
“THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN’T TAKEN SO LONG IN THE HOUSE!!!”

And so the pattern continues. Wife absent. Husband screws up. Wife still gets blamed.

So, let’s hear it. Have you ever been used as your significant other’s scapegoat?

You know your dinner has reached a low point when….

First, there was my obsession with pumpkin.

It was triggered during pregnancy and over the course of the last several years, I have made numerous pumpkin dishes including pumpkin gnocchi, enchiladas, shakes, yogurt, cookies, fritters, doughnuts, soup and so much more.

I have now moved onto coconut.

Coconut milk’s lineage descends directly from the gods. Thai food is resplendent with its goodness but when I stumbled upon a recipe for coconut macaroon pancakes last night, I knew we were a match made in heaven.

If you’ve ever made macaroons, you know there are a lot of eggs with very little/no flour to bind the ingredients together. This is not a complication when you plop them on a cookie sheet but when you have a macaroon pancake recipe that requires flipping?


My pancakes were the very antithesis of the above photo.

I adapted this recipe. I say adapted because the first few batches were a disaster. I was unable to flip them and most pancakes were broken into about four pieces. It was not until I added additional flour and a bit of coconut extract that they started resembling actual pancakes, not the cat’s kitty litter.

I piled the broken pieces on a plate, dreading my food-critic family’s reaction. I formulated a plan.

“You know how we were learning about when the Prophet Samuel called David to replace Saul as king when he was only a lowly shepherd boy?”

(Jamie, Hadley and Bode looked at me suspiciously.) “Yessssss.”

“Well, just remember what the Lord told him: ‘…Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.’”

Got any favorite coconut recipes you’d like to share, particularly ones that do not involve flipping?

No longer just The Pumpkin Widow

Jamie just got called to the Bishopric in our ward.

For the non-Mormon readers of this blog, roughly translated this means I am now a widow.

In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have non-paid clergy. A Bishop is called to preside over our congregation of roughly 200-400 members. Two counselors are called to the Bishopric and various responsibilities are delegated to them as they assist in the spiritual and temporal welfare of our ward.

Between time-consuming Sunday meetings, the Bishopric attends various activities and events during the week. Jamie will be heavily involved in Scouting. This would have been a dream come true when I was a wee lassie and in love with all the Scouts in my ward.

It’s a bummer Hadley is too young to reap the benefits.

We have known about Jamie’s new assignment for a couple of weeks but it was not made public until Sunday. A counselor from the stake presidency made the announcement and told him to “say good-bye to your wife and children and come join us here on the stand.”

The counselor later joked he meant for the duration of the meeting (and all subsequent meetings) but not indefinitely.

At least I think he was joking.

There was one thing that troubled Jamie about the assignment and I knew exactly what it was: time. He’s already been putting in long hours growing his web development business. Add to that the start of pumpkin season and a nagging wife who gently reminds him of his family responsibilities and he’s already been feeling overwhelmed.

Something’s gotta give.

And I was kinda maybe hoping it would be large and orange.

“We’re going to have to tighten up our budget,” he proclaimed.

His solution is to work less.

And not in the pumpkin patch.

It was my first test as The Good Wife and I passed. I smiled, nodded and thought I could surely only visit Target once a week instead of daily.

And then there is the issue of my behavior. After Stake President Jones asked Jamie if he would accept this new assignment and he agreed, I queried,

“Does this mean I have to be good now?”

I, of course, didn’t listen to the answer.

The Kites of Death at the Arvada Kite Festival

Saturday was about redemption.

Four years ago, my husband Jamie and I attempted to fly the expensive stunt kites we had requested for Christmas.

And four years ago, our then-baby Hadley repeatedly escaped death as our kites dive-bombed the ground at speeds fast enough to kill, welp, a small child.

It was our first and only attempt at kite-flying.

Last weekend, I decided it was time to resurrect Said Kites of Death at the 8th annual Arvada Kite Festival. There were prizes awarded for the highest, smallest, largest and most visually appealing kites but my ambitions were simple: I wanted to learn how to simply fly one.

For those unfamiliar with stunt kites, they are a complicated species. With two different lines to manoeuvre, figuring out which line to pull at the exact moment the wind takes it is about as easy as passing college physics (hence the reason why I took it three times).

My husband Jamie conveniently had a prior commitment so I recruited my children and four unsuspecting house guests who were visiting from Arizona. When we arrived at Robby Ferrufino Park, hundreds of kite-flying enthusiasts and spectators were gathered to watch the colorful creations soar.

I assigned guests Ray and Val to the stunt kite while I assembled the $10 Target kite for my kids. My strategy was to let my friends figure out the stunt kite and then impart their greater light and knowledge upon me. In the interim, I would blissfully lope across the field with my Kite for Dummies.

Only this dummy couldn’t get it up in the air.

You know: the kite that was supposed to be easy.

All around me, kites were kites were soaring but no matter how much I ran, jumped and prayed, my kite refused to take flight. When I was at the height of my frustration, my string got tangled up. As I was unraveling it, a gust of wind swooped my kite up, rendering my efforts fruitless.

“Stay down,” I barked at my kite.

I stopped. What was I saying? The kite had finally taken flight on its own. I released it higher and higher to the sky, yelping with glee. I was finally giving the nearby 3-year-old and her flimsy Dora the Explorer kite a run for her money.

All $2 that it was worth.

Val and Ray, on the other hand, weren’t having much luck. Even though they had a few successful launches, they were unable to keep the stunt kite airborne for more than 15 seconds before it became a crash pad for some unsuspecting kite enthusiast.

Who, not surprisingly, was never enthusiastic about the crash landing.

Help was needed and it came in the form of Mike Shaw who took pity on us. This prize-winning entrant in the Grand National Kite Festival played a large role in originally bringing the Arvada Kite Festival to fruition.

He patiently explained the strategy behind the stunt kites and shared his own “kiting” journey with us. He has more than 40 kites, many of which he sewed himself.

“So, if there is any wisdom you could impart on me about learning to fly the stunt kite today, what would it be?” I queried.

“Don’t try to learn at a crowded festival. You’ll probably kill someone.”

Touché. Better luck learning next year.

Just not at the 9th annual Arvada Kite Festival.