How to ruin a friend’s final day of vacation without even being there

Reason #5,305 why you would want to be my friend

My friend Lisa has been in Disneyland with her family for the holidays. She was supposed to arrive home Tuesday night so I called her early the next morning to see if we were going to workout together during our daughters’ dance class.

“Hello?” she croaked.
“You’re not awake, are you? I take it you’re not coming today?”
“We’re still in California. Today is our last day of vacation.”
Ohhhhh no. And I just woke up the whole family, didn’t I?”
“Yep.”

You’re welcome, Lisa.

P.S. Oh, I meant to say why you would not want to be my friend.

Reason #4,620 why you would not want this irrational man as your father

“Hadley, so help me if you break that I am taking money out of your piggy bank to replace it.”

“Jamie, she doesn’t have a piggy bank.”

“Well, I’ll get her one AND THEN I’LL TAKE IT OUT!!!!!”

Reason #245,020 I am THE BEST wife ever

The following is what to say to your husband when he arrives home late after a long day at work and you have eaten all but a small slice of his dinner:

“Welcome home, honey! Remember that story of Jesus and the loaves and the fishes?….”

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