Somebody shoot me….PLEASE?

On TV, we’re bombarded with ads about the miraculous “Purple Pill.” I am here today to tell you about the “Pink Pill.” This miraculous little invention reverses the course of mankind…releases the water gates and makes that which is plugged become unplugged.

Yes, I have a little bowel problem this week. Jamie’s family cannot relate and have the polar-opposite condition. They don’t know what it’s like to set up camp with a month’s supply of magazines in the bathroom. They’re lucky to make it there in time.

I took my Pink Pill early this morning and nothing had materialized. By evening, I was doubled over in pain, cursing the Poop Gods and praying for relief. I enviously changed Haddie’s stinky diaper. She seemed blissful about her state of sitting in her own crap. This caused me to do something rash–I overdosed on the Pink Pill. Yep, in my desperation, I popped another one. And nothin’.

When I made my junkie confession to Jamie, he cursed me that it would hit at 3 a.m. He then called his mom and informed her of my condition. Picture the most prim ‘n proper woman in the world who has never passed gas or belched a day in her life. “TMI” (Too Much Information), she weakly replied. “Too much information.” I am sure she’ll never look at me the same. Imagine: a daughter-in-law who POOPS. Unthinkable.

Sick Haddie woke up at 11:30 a.m. and screamed until 2:30 a.m., making me temporarily forget about my plight. And then, just as Jamie predicted, the flood gates opened. And haven’t stopped. It is currently 4 a.m. and I am still up. I’m trying to figure out which condition is worse. Despite everything, I’d have to say my overdose was worth it.

My favorite radio station had a gal call in last week who was debating keeping her maiden name when she got married. The reason? Her fiance’s last name is Pupur (yes, pronounced just as you think). At first, I sided with her her but after this week? To know I would become a Pupur and that my children would become little Pupurs? BRING IT ON. Just no more Pink Pill…please?…

Other Posts