Sordid Secrets and the Husbands Who Keep Them

My husband Jamie has been sneaking around lately. I figured his covert actions were regarding the gargantuan Mother’s Day surprise party he was likely throwing me.

It didn’t happen.

Or the second honeymoon he was planning.

We already took one.

So when I spotted him slip into the den and close the door, I knew he was up to no good. I waited a few minutes until I heard him tapping away on the computer’s keyboard. And then I went in for the kill.

And nothing could have prepared me for what I found. It was not a lurid chat room, nor was it nekkid women but it was pumpkin porn.

Yes, my friends. My beloved, pumpkin-obsessed husband has started a blog about growing pumpkins. This is not just any blog but a secret pumpkin blog.

“This is why you’ve been sneaking around? You have a pumpkin blog?”
“Errr…yes.”
“Just when were you planning to tell me about this?”
“Errr…never?”

Thus solidifies just how deep his obsession runs. For those not in the know, it started out innocently last spring when he planted the first pumpkin seed. Over the summer, he and our daughter Hadley religiously watered and watched it grow from a molehill to a mountain.

Unfortunately, so did his competitive drive.

Jamie decided to enter it into our local harvest festival and I, good wife that I am, humored him. Until the flood came. It started with his barrage of pumpkin-related emails and then it totally engulfed our dinner conversations.

“I read online that I need to cut the stem right before the competition.”

Grunt.

“It then says I should put the stem into a gallon of water.”

Groan.

“Did you know a pumpkin can lose up to five pounds within the few hours of being cut?”

You get the point.

I was just ready for it to be over. For this to be a chapter carefully folded away into the Johnson Family History of Dysfunction, never to be spoken of again.

Until his 141.5-pound pumpkin won.

Inquiring Mom Wants to Know: What are your Children Eating?

Monday’s post about being a good or bad mother had an overwhelming response. Some women felt validated that they are doing a great job. And others vented about how judgmental the world of moms can be.

I took a different approach all together.

Monday’s post about being a good or bad mother had an overwhelming response. Some women felt validated that they are doing a great job. And others vented about how judgmental the world of moms can be.

I took a different approach all together.

Since beginning my butt-kicking Front Range Adventure Boot Camp, my children have suffered. Not because I have submitted them to the same rigorous workouts but because they have had to [insert collective gasp] eat healthy food on a daily basis, something no child should ever have to endure.

At least that is what my daughter Hadley tries to convince me when we are at the grocery store.

And so I took a judgmental-mom-be-darned approach and bought my children Twinkies yesterday. Because HOLYCRAP – they are almost 2 and 4 and have never had a Twinkie in their lives.

And also because they do not tempt me in the least and I would not touch them with a ten-foot pole.

But before we launch into the ins and outs of what you are feeding your children, my weekly weight-loss total is: 3 pounds. This brings my six-week total to 16 pounds. I was rather shocked with this week’s loss, given my oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough and brownie indulgences on Saturday. And yes, indulgences is indeed plural. The only possible explanations are:

a) My body needs and thrives on cookie dough, just like the flower needs the rain (or however that song goes).
b) I overcompensated afterward by working my butt off.

I like the first explanation better.

My proudest moment as a mama!

Hadley is a perfect angel at preschool.

This shocks me more than anyone, especially as I listened to her teachers sing her praises at our recent parent-teacher conference. In their eyes, she could do no wrong.

Until recently.

When I picked up the Hurricane from school a couple of weeks ago, she had her first “Ouch Report,” which is similar to a speeding ticket in the real world and is undoubtedly one incident away from being thrown into the slammer. Well, at least in preschool terms. The details:

Where: It happened at the center at 9 a.m.

Brief Description of Injury: Mark on the back of her head. Hadley tackled (as in full body slammed) Cooper to get the dog he had. He hit her with a piece of plastic bread.

Her defence for Said Incident? “THAT BOY HIT ME WITH FOOOOOOOD!”

$10 says it will never stand up in court.

Today: Church basketball. Tomorrow: the Ironman

Last week was thankfully Jamie’s final week of church basketball and it is the first season he has survived unscathed. For so many years, he had heart problems. Last year, he cracked a rib the first game. This year, our friend Phil took the fall for the team and is going in for knee surgery in a few weeks.

There is one thing that has been giving Jamie problems: his knees (errr…or would that be two?) Particularly when he hikes or carries the kids, it worsens the condition. Since our return from our backpacking trip to Moab, he has been hobbling around more than usual.

Last week, the kids and I watched his final basketball game. Both teams forfeited because only three guys on each side showed up. Instead of calling it a night like rational old men should do, they did the irrational and tried to relive their youth by playing 3-on-3 for an entire hour.

It wasn’t pretty.

That night, as we snuggled in bed I asked him how his knees were doing.

“Oh, they’re fine. They don’t hurt at all.”

“They don’t hurt at all? After running up and down the court for an hour?”

“Correction, Amber. After walking up and down the court for an hour.”

Mile High Mamas Monday – On Being a Good (or Bad) Mother

WHY ARE YOU A GREAT MOTHER? Let’s give ourselves a serious shout-out today!

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Every year, mothers are celebrated on that one special May day (which is not to be confused with “mayday,” another word with which mamas are familiar).

And every year growing up, I remember my mother was consumed with guilt and inadequacy, the very antithesis of what Mother’s Day is supposed to be about. Was she the perfect mom? Of course not. None of us are. But she loved, sacrificed and cared for her children as best she could.

I was recently at a resale children’s clothing store. As I poked around, the shopkeeper asked the age of my son and she confided she had a boy his same age. At check-out, I grabbed both of my children a free sucker to reward them for their good behavior. She looked at me and distastefully commented,

“I just can’t imagine giving my 21-month-old child a sucker.”

I laughed her off but almost wished I had said something like, “Yeah, I feed him straight sugar via intravenous for breakfast.”

As I walked out of the store, I was irate. How dare she criticize me? At that same moment, I noticed Read on

Boot Camp Week Five (and counting!)

So, it’s ummm…err..uhhh…snowing here. You know. In May. If I had signed up for this kind of crap, I’d be back in the Motherland with my frozen nose hairs!

I am week five into my boot camp/weight loss journey. And week five is always a toughie for me. Why? I have never made it beyond that.

Did I do it this week? Well, maybe if that blasted Chuck E. Cheese hadn’t made his appearance.

For all the sordid details (and haaaaalp!), checkout Mile High Mamas on Friday!

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This week was a tough one for me. It wasn’t because I had to work the entire weekend at The Colorado Women’s Expo. My efforts were actually commendable – I packed all my food and did not cheat even once.

I even resisted the treats I had at my booth. Before you congratulate me on this exhorbant display of will power, I must confess that I stocked it with food that I hate.

Because I have that much faith in my ability to resist temptation. :-)

In the Boot Camp Biggest Loser Club on Wednesday, I had an epiphany of why my week was so tough: I just passed the one-month mark and for whatever reason or another, I blow every diet I have ever been on at this time.

Well, most are blown loooong before that but rest assured if I make it to five weeks, I start “rewarding” myself for job well done. Only instead of a pat on the back, I start consuming foods that will pad my butt.

But without further ado, my weekly weigh loss was 2 pounds. My five-week total weight loss is 13 pounds with a loss of 4% body fat since I began.

To look at the numbers, I know I am on track with where I need to be and I need to stop beating myself up every time I stray. As Life Coach Robyn says, “You made your choice. There is no reason to be consumed by guilt about it. Just make the adjustments you need and keep going.”

And she’s right. I was trucking along just fine last week until I went to a party at every parent’s hell kid’s paradise: Mr. Chuck E. Cheese. I started strong, really I did. I went out of my way to order the salad bar. But then all those gloriously greasy pizzas’ delicious scent kept wafting toward me like the forbidden fruit.

And I did partake.

I blame the serpent mouse.