Just in case you’re ever tempted – an original poem

April 30, 2008 By
Just in case you’re ever tempted
to think things will go your way.
Allow me to inform you
life is meant to go astray.

Like the time you loaded dirty diapers
Into a grocery bag to fling
Across the lawn for garbage day
Thinking of the ease this action would bring.

You see, you were recently showered
And in your robe, to boot.
And decided to forgo the usual flashing
To all the neighbors who were en route.

With the garbage man fast approaching
From the doorstep you didst fling with all your might
This bag of dirty diapers
That for one beautiful moment took flight.

Not only did you miss the garbage
By more than 50 feet
But your bag of dirty diapers
Didst crash and were rendered obsolete.

You sprang from your doorstep,
Robe now flapping in the breeze
To discover the diapers had also exploded
A stench that brought you to your knees.

So unless you enjoy cleaning up detonated diapers
And flashing the neighbors with all your brawn
Do not ever ever ever ever
Fling dirty diapers across the lawn.

-An original work by Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Favorite Posts, Humor

Mommy Blogger [Allegedly] Survives Women’s Expo

April 29, 2008 By

I [barely] survived the Colorado Women’s Expo and have been limping around from pure exhaustion ever since. Waking up at 5 a.m. the next morning didn’t help much either. Nor the fact that I will be dragging this sorry body all over the mountains today trying to find a venue for my Outpost backpacking trip in June.

Anyhew, some highlights and lowlights of the Expo:

High: Meeting oodles of fantastic women including the wonderful Diana from Sunshine on my Shoulders and giving away tons of swag thanks to Mile High Mamas’ new partnership with Universal Pictures and Sony Films.

Low: Jamie telling me I am never allowed to do another Expo again due to alleged moodiness in the planning stages. This may be in reference to my breakdown the first morning of the show when he suggested I change to more comfortable shoes, only to have me change into another pair of uncomfortable shoes and then to freak out THAT I HAD NOTHING COMFORTABLE TO WEAR!

The man overreacts, I swear.

High: Really fun fellow exhibitors that included one of my favorite new products, My Side of the Bed Sheets. A cool couple invented these sheets that are designed to combat bed hogs because “these sheets are less expensive than therapy and more comfortable than a night on the couch!”

And their killer tagline? Because sometimes you just don’t want to cuddle.

Low: Working a 12-hour day on Saturday, only to suffer through the last few hours of having NO ONE attend the Expo. Except for those two creepy guys who kept coming around to visit my booth. At least they could have spoken English and kept me entertained.

High and Low: Having the booth swarming with women as a sweet gal was trying to pitch me her at-home business. Another gal overheard and ecstatically said, “I run a business out of my home. Let’s exchange cards and see if we can work something out with being featured on Mile High Mamas.”

The first gal had a cute bubble goddess company.

The second woman throws passion parties. You know, the perfect fit for my PG-rated, family-friendly blog.

Then again, they are called sex toys.

High: Having a sweet, supportive husband and coming home to a clean house, happy children and dinner on the table.

Low: I just hope he doesn’t expect me to reciprocate….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Uncategorized

A Sneak Peek at our Revolutionary, Best-Selling Parenting Book

April 28, 2008 By

I never fancied myself a ballerina, which is particularly ironic since I’m walking on my tiptoes a lot these days. And also on eggshells.

My 21-month-old Bode has transformed almost overnight from a loving, cuddly, easy-going angel to an often possessed, tantruming toddler. Of course, I know I should have expected that such bliss could not last.

I remember shortly after my daughter Hurricane Hadley turned 3 she went through a phrase I called The Tyrant. When I offered suggestions for a snack, I braced myself for the unleashing of how dare I even suggest something so unthinkable as apples. When I pretended to turn her into a princess with my magic wand, I was sent to the dungeons because I held the wand at the wrong angle. Anything set her off, which made me wonder if she had some kind of chemical imbalance.

Or if it was the fact that she was 3.

I’ve heard from some that the 3s are worse than the 2s. Doubting Thomas that I was, I didn’t buy in. But then there I was: sold out.

We had one uncharacteristically good day with what I would consider to be a reasonable amount of T.O.N. (Tantrums Over Nothing). We were sitting on our leather sofa watching out the window for my husband Jamie to come home. I looked down at how precious she was being and decided she needed some positive reinforcement.

“You know, Mommy is so happy with how sweet you’ve been today. Thank you for being so nice to your brother Bode and me.”

Within seconds, seconds people, she started acting up and it did not stop the rest of the night.

As we were eating dinner, she miraculously downed most of the curry chicken phyllos I made and I decided again: positive reinforcement.

“Haddie, what a great eater you’re being tonight!”

Within milliseconds, milliseconds people, she choked out her food and spewed it all over the floor. Jamie looked at me dubiously.

“Hey Amber. Here’s a new parenting strategy for you. How about ditch this positive reinforcement crap and STOP WITH THE COMPLIMENTS.”

We’ll begin our book tour next month.

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Hadley, Humor

Boot Camp Week Four (and counting!)

April 25, 2008 By
This is my family.

This is the kind of food my family tempted me with ALL. WEEKEND. LONG.

Any questions?

Come find out at Mile High Mamas on Friday if I miraculously lost any weight with my Said Tempters in town. And tell me what your foodie weaknesses are!! After last weekend, I need all the help I can get.

P.S. Regular posting continues next week after the Expo. Should I survive it…..

==============

One of the things I love most about Front Range Adventure Boot Camp is the cohesive community of women – a kind of bonding that can only be achieved through mutual suffering success.

The same could be said about The Boot Camp Biggest Loser Club, though it is more about sharing. And disdain for The Scale. Prior to attending my first meeting, I pictured a giant-sized one with everyone standing around gawking. Fortunately, weigh-ins are much more discreet but for the first time this week, The Scale was not Foe but Friend.

After we finished weighing in, Life Coach Robyn called out, “There is a problem with the accuracy of the weight on the scale today.”

Silence.

Finally, a brave person queried, “Errr…is the weight more or less?”

“It is adding three pounds to everyone’s weight.”

C-E-L-E-B-R-A-T-I-O-N TIME.

So without further ado, my weekly weigh loss is 2 pounds. That makes my four-week total weight loss 11 pounds! This is before the three pounds Robyn told us to subtract but I figure I will wait to make the adjustment until she recalibrates the scale next week. After all, I have always wanted one of those 10-pound weight loss weeks like on the show. :-)

This was by far my most challenging week with a visit from my Canadian dad and aunt. Usually, I have a controlled environment with only healthy food but they brought in the very evils and spoils of society that included chips, dips, pies, brownies, and my biggest weakness – cookies.

It was my first real test to put all the lessons and soul-searching I have done at boot camp into practice. My goal was to not only survive but to thrive. One thing Robyn advocates is to not completely deprive yourself of things you love, otherwise you obsess about it and overindulge. It is about learning moderation.

And moderation I had. Well, except for my brownie indulgence. The sad thing is am not even a huge fan of chocolate.

At least I could have splurged on a cookie….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Hurricane Takes Primary by a Storm

April 23, 2008 By

I am still in the throes of booth planning and I will not bore you with all the sordid details. Because make no mistake: the details are many and each and every one of them is sordid. I would go into retirement after this experience if I didn’t have a slew of Mother’s Day promotions ahead of me. Maybe I’ll declare my break right before Father’s Day. Convenient, non?

Hurricane Hadley gave her first talk in Primary on Sunday. She is in the Sunbeam class – the youngest – and generally expectations are very low for their “performances.” With the exception of The Hurricane.

The Primary President asked a shy little girl to give the opening prayer and she ended up bailing due to stage fright. With her arm casually flung across the back of her chair, Hadley turned to her friend Jack (whose uncommunicative nature has his mother jokingly calling him her little Neanderthal).

“You know, Jacky? Some people are scared to get up there.”
Blank stare and then a grunt of acknowledgement.
“BUT NOT MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And she was true to form when it was her turn to give her talk. Jamie was there merely to assist as she brazenly grabbed the microphone, proudly held her pictures high and expounded the greatest doctrines of any 3 year old in the history of the world. I should know. I wrote the talk.

Her unabashed nature and conversation with Jack made me think back upon the good ol’ days when we went to Mother Goose Story Time at the library. She was the most animated baby and would always lead the group as they did the actions to the nursery rhymes.

Unless they made the mistake of not participating, during which time Hadley would stop what she was doing to waddle over there and physically force them to do the actions.

Because they were obviously too stupid to figure it out for themselves….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Uncategorized

Sanford & Son (& Daughter) Do White Trash!

April 21, 2008 By

Every neighborhood has ‘em.

You know: the one white-trash family that just oozes with socially unacceptable behavior such as loud music, big engines, cold beer and jacked-up trucks.

I just didn’t know “they” were “us.”

It all started out innocently when I took the kids for an early-morning run at this time last year. Since the temperatures were still brisk, I opted against getting them dressed and kept them bundled up in their fleece PJs.

Now, something you should know about me is that even though I’m lucky if I get a brush through my hair, I am pretty anal about ensuring my kids are properly groomed. But I figured this was a worthy exception to get an early start to the day. You know. To beat those sweltering 60-degree temperatures that would soon descend upon us.

Something else you should also know is that it was garbage day, certainly not the best of times to be running due to the surrounding stench. I was the last 1/4-mile into my run up the big stinky hill to our house when I spotted It: that which led my great downfall to white trashdom (and coincidentally, it was white…and trash). Someone had left a wicker chest out by their garbage.

I stopped. It would be perfect in our basement for my children’s toys. I investigated. It was in great shape, too. Or at least it was before my attempts to transport it.

There was a problem, though. It was really big, which made our progress really slow. Oh yeah, and did I mention the hill? My little charges were patient in the beginning but after about 15 minutes of dragging it, fussiness ensued. I decided I needed another plan. I could take the kids out of the jogging stroller, put the trunk inside and let them walk. Well, at least the big one. My main concern was that Hadley was still in her pajamas and what would the neighbors think?

I did it anyway.

And so there we were on our leisurely Monday Morning Dumpster Diving Stroll around the neighborhood. Haddie in her soiled PJs, Bode with his frumpy hair.

Then Haddie started limping. “I have cereal at the bottom of my PJs,” she whined.

I looked down and sure enough she had lumpy feet. But at this point, the only way to get the cereal out of her one-piece pajamas would have involved stripping her down completely. And if PJs by Day were white trash, having her wander down the street with her sagging pull-up diaper was veritable trailer status. And at that, I drew the line.

“I have an idea! Just stomp really hard and it will turn your cereal into little crumbs. And then we’ll just follow them home like Hansel and Gretel!” I have always been a master of resolution.

She looked dubiously at me, made a meager attempt and then limped the rest of the way. It was memorable to say the least but we survived and the kids acquired a new toy box. A new toy box that I have never used and has remained hidden underneath a pile of junk in our garage.

Would I do it again? Sure. Only next time, I’ll just need to remember to bring my shopping cart along….

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Bode, Family, Favorite Posts, Hadley, Humor

The Careful, Conservative AND Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck?!

April 18, 2008 By

Thanks for all your well-wishes about Jamie’s consulting job offer! I am just dealing with the paradigm shift in our lives. My father worked at the same company for 30+ years and stability is what I am used to. It is mandatory with someone as unstable as myself. :-)

Jamie is in his element and this new opportunity affords itself a much bigger paycheck with bigger risks. We admittedly have had it really good since we got married so now we have to play it safe by being careful and conservative, two words that aren’t exactly in my vocabulary. Remember? I am the Crazy in Bloggin’ Canuck.

On another note, Friday is my weekly Boot Camp weigh-in at Mile High Mamas and the numbers were encouraging. Evidently, stress is an excellent asset when losing weight…

===============

One of the most invaluable lessons I have learned through the Biggest Loser Boot Camp is that visualization with a specific goal in mind is imperative when losing weight.

For some, they are training for a triathlon.

For others, they want to summit a 14er.

For many, it is fitting back into their skinny jeans.

For me, it is losing my baby weight so I can get pregnant and gain it all back again.

(Please excuse me while I bang my head against the wall.)

But without further ado, my weekly weight loss total is: 5 pounds. My three-week total is now 9 pounds!

There are a couple of things that I attribute to my successful week:

1) Robyn’s intense workouts at Front Range Adventure Boot Camp. Every day is different and fun. Sometimes it is scaling Red Rocks. Others involve a high-energy game of four square, dodge ball or basketball. But the common denominator is they always involve a perfect mix of cardio and strength training. Oh, and they always kick my butt.

2) Through The Biggest Loser Club, I have had an epiphany: I have been paying attention to the wrong thing. My past weight-loss attempts were focused on what I was eating. BLBC is teaching me to focus on why I am eating it, which gets to the real heart of the problem.

I have journaled what I am eating before. It really didn’t help me other than serve as a blaring reminder that maybe I should not have eaten that entire batch of cookie dough. But in BLBC we take it a step further and write down the emotions we are feeling before and after we ate. I am discovering patterns and feelings I never knew existed.

Following the meeting, a few of us stayed around to discuss mind-numbing profundities such as our husbands’ OCD tendencies. One’s cleaning obsession led him to Pledge his large home’s hardwood floor. Another washes his car three times a day and paces in front of his washer and dryer until his clothes are clean.

When it was my turn, I was stumped, secretly wishing my hubby had at least one cleaning obsession. Until I remembered that he is the cleanest man in American and often showers 2-3 times a day (though it is often to relieve his sore rheumatic joints).

When I arrived home, I relayed our conversation.

“You told them I shower that much?”
“I sure did!”
“Well, if it is any consolation to you, I rarely use soap.”

Long pause of consideration.

“Actually it’s not but thanks for sharing….”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Humor, Jamie

Evidence that maybe I do not deal well with stress and deadlines

April 17, 2008 By

Amber: Planning this booth at the Expo will be the death of me. Did you know that blah blah blah….

Jamie: Jim called today and is really pleased with my work. He extended me an official offer for a full-time consulting job with benefits.

Amber: And another problem I am having is blah blah blah blah….

Jamie: Did you hear me? I just landed a fantastic gig for the next few months that will likely lead into an awesome position!

Amber: That’s nice but WHAT THE CRAP AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS BOOTH??!

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Uncategorized

Sending out a Mom Blog S.O.S.

April 15, 2008 By

This is me waving the white flag. Or rather, several white flags in the battleground-that-was-our-house last weekend. Do you see our glorious new duvet and pillow top mattress pad hanging to dry? The Hurricane puked on every single one of them.

Yep, it was one of those weekends and thankfully her stomach flu is on the mend. Do you know the phrase “When it rains, it pours?” I am in the midst of a Hurricane these days. Well, it happens everyday if you count the one I gave birth to.

My stress list:

*I have major deadlines for pulling together a Mile High Mamas booth for the Colorado Women’s Expo next weekend. As in it is 11 days away and ask me if I have even started designing the booth or even know how to do it? Well, don’t ask because my head would assuredly explode.

*I am being hammered with coordinating tons of giveaways for Mother’s Day and the Expo.

*My dad and aunt are coming into town this weekend and our house is a puke-infested, duvet-draped disaster.

*My neighbor is having a huge garage sale next weekend and I want to dump half my household items on her. So, I am at Ground Zero with the worst spring cleaning/house gutting imaginable. Or at least I should be!

*The venue I had carefully scouted last fall for the girl’s camp backpacking trip I am in charge of is no more due to pine beetle infestations. So sometime in the next few weeks, I need to go to the mountains to determine a new backcountry area that will house 20 girls. And their blubbering leader. Then train these girls who have never put a backpack on in their lives that CARRYING 30 POUNDS, EATING RAMEN NOODLES AND SLEEPING ON THE COLD, HARD GROUND? THIS IS FUN!! P.S. Think they’ll like me?

*I just caught wind of another contest that I just won’t be able to adequately promote so this is where you can help me diffuse some stress! The Denver Post’s food editor just announced that we are having a contest for moms everywhere to post your family’s favorite dinner recipe at Mile High Mamas. We will choose the top three recipes and publish them – along with a picture of your family – in the May 7th Food section of the newspaper. In addition to fame and fortune, well, mostly just fame, the winners will receive a cookbook.

So, got any great recipes you can contribute? Got a shotgun I can borrow? It’s all appreciated just the same these days…

XOXOXO

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Uncategorized

To Dream the Impossible Dream (especially when your performance is a nightmare)

April 14, 2008 By

Last weekend was my 3-year-old daughter Hadley’s first – and last – dance recital. We invited the entire family out for the occasion, an event we knew would go down as yet one more painful chapter in the Johnson Family History of Dysfunction.

You see, Hadley has inherited my lack of rhythm. Instead, she has a raw, aggressive athleticism that makes her adept at climbing mountains, scaling large buildings and reducing her competition to tears at any sign of weakness (the latter of which I have been submitted to since she was born).

I hoped an early intervention would counteract her lack of groove but I was wrong. Early on, it became painfully clear that she is not made for the dance floor. Her only redeeming quality is she loves an audience, as was evidenced by her performance at the recital.

While most of the little girls timidly and gracefully danced, Hadley did her toe-heel kicks like she was crushing a philandering ex-boyfriend. She spun like a rabid Tasmanian devil. And then, when all the girls were linking hands in a circle, Hadley decided this was her moment and she brazenly improvised a solo performance. Until those lacking in vision reeled her back in, that is. (The legendary dance will likely be coming to a YouTube near you).

We laughed until we cried but quickly acknowledged that this is not her passion and so our quest continues to explore and discover her talents. To encourage, not crush The Dream because believe me, I know all about the crushing….

When I was young, I dreamt of singing on Broadway and would perform to my Annie and Sound of Music 8-Tracks for hours. Problem was I couldn’t carry a tune but that did not dissuade me. Until Lisa Low came on the scene.

Lisa was a girl at church who was the complete antithesis of me. She was petite, sweet, sang like an angel and was a fantastic actress. I was also extremely jealous of her. Whatever athletic or academic prowess I possessed seemed to pale in comparison to her. One Sunday when I heard her song-bird voice, I snapped. Suddenly, it became the most important thing in the world to out-sing her the only way I know how: in volume.

As I sang louder, she rose to the occasion matching me with her melodic voice. Back and forth it went until we were both practically shouting. Exasperated, she finally turned to me.

“Amber, will you please stop? You are singing way too loud!”
“You are singing just as loudly as me,” I pointed out.
“Yes, but I sound good!”

© Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck–A Denver Mom’s Blog
Filed Under: Hadley, Humor
« Older Posts